Can I Live?

Top 75 Songs of 2009

2009-12-31T00:49:00.009-05:00

In breaking with the top cd's of the year theme from the previous two years, I've opted for something a bit more ambitious. For 2009, I'm going to instead take you muddatrucks through this year's top 75 songs. The project was originally planned as a top 50, but I got stuck in no man's land between 75 and 100 and decided to cut back rather than add crappier songs to get to the century mark. And yes, I realize it's been something like half a year since I blessed you fruits with a post on my own site, but I have good reason: laziness. I also enjoy making lists. So there. Check out last year's list (posted 1/6/09) and the one from the year prior (posted 4/8/08) for reference. Aside from that, there's no further posturing necessary. The only thing I'll say is that this list is not subjective. It represents nothing short of pure fact. Like Maddox says, if you disagree with anything you read here (or elsewhere on Can I Live?, for that matter), you are wrong. Without further ado, your top 75 songs of 2009:

75. RJD2 - The Move (ft. Tage)
74. Wale - Pot of Gold (ft. Daniel Merriweather)
73. Eminem - Crack A Bottle (ft. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent)
72. Camp Lo - Ticket 4 2
71. Erin Bode - Skating
70. DJ JS-1 - Ridiculous (ft. OC & Pharoahe Monch)
69. Incubus - Anything
68. Snoop Dogg - Fallin Asleep On Death Row
67. Glee Cast - Poison
66. MF Doom - Ballskin
65. Royce Da 5'9" - New Money
64. Saigon - The Rules
63. Raekwon - Fearless Ninjas (ft. Ghostface)
62. Eminem - Old Times Sake (ft. Dr. Dre)
61. Tanya Morgan - She's Gone aka Without You (ft. Phonte & Brittany Bosco)
60. Sondre Lerche - I Guess It's Gonna Rain Today
59. Mac Demy - Right Now (ft. Corleone)
58. Camp Lo - Son of A
57. Wale - Beast
56. Mos Def - Supermagic
55. J Dilla - Fire Wood Drumstix (ft. MF Doom)
54. Glee Cast - No Air
53. Ghostface - Goner (ft. Lloyd)
52. Blaq Poet - Ain't Nuttin Changed
51. Incubus - Martini
50. Eminem - Taking My Ball
49. Blackroc - Stay Off the Fuckin Flowers (ft. Raekwon)
48. Methodman & Redman - City Lights (ft. Bun B)
47. Snoop Dogg - Doggystyle (ft. George Clinton & Jewell)
46. Reflection Eternal - Back Again
45. Royce Da 5'9" - Freestyle w/ Busta Rhymes
44. Blu - Melo
43. Camp Lo - Gotcha (ft. Tyler Woods)
42. Souls of Mischief - Tour Stories
41. Rick Ross - Maybach Music 2 (ft. Kanye West, T-Pain, & Lil Wayne)
40. Q-Tip - Renaissance Rap (ft. Busta Rhymes, Raekwon, & Lil Wayne)
39. Raekwon - We Gettin Knots (ft. Fat Joe & Big Pun)
38. Guilty Simpson - My Time To Shine
37. M.O.P. - Rude Bastard
36. Saigon - My Crew
35. Eminem - Same Song & Dance
34. Tanya Morgan - So Damn Down
33. Glee Cast - Smile (Lilly Allen version)
32. Ghostface - Guest House (ft. Fabolous)
31. Camp Lo - Black Connect 3)
30. Incubus - Midnight Swim
29. Nipsey Hussle - Hussle In The House
28. Wale - 5 Minutes (ft. Skyzoo)
27. MF Doom - Gazzillion Ear
26. Foo Fighters - Wheels
25. Tokimonsta - Tweet Call Me (remix)
24. Lil Wayne - Run This Town Freestyle
23. Incubus - Let's Go Crazy
22. Atmosphere - Millie Fell Off the Fire Escape
21. Busta Rhymes - Director's Cut (ft. Uncle Murda)
20. Method Man & Redman - Dis Iz 4 All My Smokers
19. Mos Def - Auditorium (ft. Slick Rick)
18. Wale - Say It Again (ft. Royce Da 5'9")
17. Raekwon - New Wu (ft. Ghostface & Method Man)
16. Ghostface - Paragraphs of Love (ft. Vaughn Anthony & Estelle)
15. Asher Roth - Lark On My Go Kart
14. Tanya Morgan - Morgan Blu (ft. Blu)
13. Jay-Z - Thank You
12. Glee Cast - Hate On Me
11. Kanye West - Champion (Nick Catchdubs remix)
10. Saigon - Goodbye
09. Raekwon - Gihad
08. Jay Electronica - Dealing
07. Method Man & Redman - A-Yo (ft. Saukretes)
06. Mos Def - History (ft. Talib Kweli)
05. Ghostface - Baby (ft. Raheem "Radio" DeVaughn)
04. Royce Da 5'9" - Dinner Time (ft. Busta Rhymes)
03. Incubus - Black Heart Inertia
02. Glee Cast - I Wanna Sex You Up
01. Jay Electronica - Exhibit C

The Wreckoning

2009-07-18T01:25:00.002-04:00

It's not a typo, asshole. I'm trying to be deep. Just go with it. I haven't done this in awhile, which is an understatement, I realize. Shit, since I rejoined society about three months ago I haven't done anything in awhile...except work. No need to qualify your snicker with a comment -- I know how absurd it sounds. I guess the main reason for my lack of postage can be summed up by the simple fact that I can only write when I'm drunk in the middle of the night, and I haven't been drunk in the middle of the night in quite some time. In short, the two-headed monster known as reality and responsibility is killing Drunken Capps.

Drunken Capps now survives only in short spurts of excellence these days. I was "keeping it real" by drinking every night straight through the first six weeks of this new job. After awhile though, I found myself placing a premium on being in bed before 11 o'clock. Without realizing it, I'd become just like all the people I railed against during my 21-month hiatus from the world. You'd think this realization would've freaked me the fuck out, because conforming is not even something I'd realized I was doing as it happened. My new mindset snuck up on me completely out of the blue. What stuck with me after the initial shock is how comfortable I was with the whole thing.

Is this what getting older means? I find myself -- gulp -- trying to get ahead. It's something I think about now. The other day I got all excited because my boss told me I was doing a better job than expected and as such would be giving me extra responsibility earlier than the company's timetable called for. The fuck? Who am I and what have I done with Drunken Capps?

On a side note, I made an interesting find relating to the human psyche the other day. The necessary background info is that I have a management position at a sales and marketing company which calls for almost no clerical work. However, about once every two weeks I need to spend a half an hour making copies of shit I need to give to my employees. A couple days ago I was in front of the copier and and I noticed I had an erection. Then I realized I had an erection every time I was in front of the copier. At first I was at a loss as to why this was, but then I realized it's because when I was 18 I had a temp job where I spent most of my days making copies next to some thirty-something woman I found extremely attractive. At such a tender age, this woman must have really left an impression on me, because as soon as I made the connection in my mind the other day it became instantly apparent that there could be no other explanation for the phenomenon. Ten years later and I still have this knee jerk physiological reaction. I dunno, I found it interesting.

Anyway...wow lemme take a step back from this nonsense for a second. I am goddamn drunk right now! It always happens this way...I decide to keep it chill with a night in, which invariably leads to a fucking alcoholic waterfall by the time I decide to blog for you fruits. In fact, I'd venture to say I get less drunk when I'm out in public. I should just always go out rather than stay in. It'd save me the hangover and requisite liver damage. If you thought these posts were pre-arranged you're kidding yourself. We're flying by the seat of our pants, baby! I hope you appreciate it.

OK, let's wrap this up. I just read this whole thing over and it's a fucking mess. Am I always this bad or can I claim cobwebs? Hopefully it's the wear of not posting for a long while. Regardless: something prescient about Drunken Capps being related to general responsibility and how it justifies the "clever" title The Wreckoning. Kill Yourselves.

Who wants to see INCUBUS this summer?

2009-05-15T18:42:00.003-04:00

I'm sure there are some of you out there that don't like Incubus because they're not on TRL or whatever obnoxious vehicle you kids get your music fixes from these days. That's hogwash. Roughly 15 years in the game and Incubus remains one of the best rock acts out there. Also, they put on a great show. It just so happens they're touring the US this summer promoting their greatest hits album set to drop next month. I already have a group of six together to see the show in Philly on August 8th. It's only $45 for general admission at the Festival Pier at Penn's Landing, meaning anyone who wants to join can purchase their tickets separately and get in on the fun. Think about it: summertime outdoorsy drunken music listening. What's not to like?

And to whet your appetites, especially those unfamiliar with the band, here is their new single Black Heart Inertia. Enjoy.

Blackout 2!!!

2009-05-15T18:13:00.001-04:00

It's been 10 years since Red & Meth's classic album. Now they're back for round 2. This is A-Yo, the first single. Nails.

Rejected Cartoons by Don Hertzfeldt

2009-04-20T02:51:00.001-04:00

Tip o' the hat to Lee at Three Rivers Philosophizer.

Are You There Jah? It's Me Ras Trent...

2009-04-18T02:02:00.007-04:00

Recently, I downloaded The Lonely Island's Incredibad album. Chances are you're not familiar with them. The Lonely Island is the comedy/music troupe comprised of Andy Samberg (of SNL fame) , Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer. They're best known as the collective responsible for Saturday Night Live's SNL Digital Shorts. Dick In a Box, Lazy Sunday, I'm On A Boat, and many others have become a part of pop culture reference. With the release of their CD which includes the audio versions of these hilarious offerings, The Lonely Island has introduced themselves to a wider audience.

The disc runs 19 tracks long, many of which have been featured as digital shorts. Admittedly, there's a disconnect in popularity between audio and video versions. For instance, Dick In A Box is by far the most well known digital short, as well as the most accessed Youtube video. However, in solely audio form, other shorts that perhaps went overlooked now get a chance to shine on Incredibad. My favorite is Ras Trent, an Andy Samberg exclusive that finds him discovering Selassie, and embracing Rastafarianism in a side-splittingly crackerish manner.

The Incredibad experience is one worth having, regardless whether you're an SNL fan or not. At a time when many consider the show irrelevant or past its prime, it's refreshing to see at least one element breathing life into what, in my opinion, remains a comedic network institution. Enjoy Ras Trent by clicking the link immediately below this paragraph. The Lonely Island's website, which I highly recommend for it's various original multimedia experiences, is accessible via the link at the bottom. Enjoy.

The Lonely Island - Ras Trent

The Lonely Island Official Website

Cookie Monster goes in hard

2009-04-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

What the deal is

2009-04-12T00:53:00.008-04:00

I was watching Ahnold in Raw Deal this afternoon. In it, his wife gets drunk, upset, and bitchy, and throws a birthday cake at his head. Ahnold responds, "You shouldn't drink and bake." Suffice to say Raw Deal has been overlooked by many Schwarzeneggar fans. Gangster. Anyway, I decided to celebrate my free night at home by going to the liquor store and purchasing the cheapest, largest bottle of scotch available. Dewar's White label it is; ugh. Beggars can't be choosers though, as I'm told. Once I'm super rich, I'll ~~never talk to any of you again~~ be able to purchase much more expensive and desirable alcohol. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy these drunken and superfluous rantings. One thing I can tell you is that I'm working on a brand new song. This is a Corleone exclusive and not a Bastard Sons collabo, not surprisingly. Unlike previous "promises" it seems this track's actually coming into fruition. Stay tuned.

And that's pretty much it. This very well might be my lamest post; perhaps my level of intoxication isn't befitting of my audience. Perhaps you're not drunk enough to comprehend the genius of these musings. Regardless, make sure to offer big ups and congratulations to my main homegirl VLo , who had the audacity and bravery to abstain from alcohol for 50 days. Sweet Jebus -- I literally shook as I typed that!

Check it: http://50dayssober.blogspot.com/

On Death

2009-04-02T03:52:00.005-04:00

Let me start off by disclaiming this is not a morbid post. I've just been thinking a lot about death and a possible afterlife lately, and wanted to share some thoughts. I'm definitely an atheist -- intellectually, it's simply too difficult for me to reconcile any sort of set religious dogma in my mind. But that begs the question of what happens to you when you die. Unfortunately, most of my prognostications are still grounded in the same religious ideas we've been beaten to death with for 2,000 years. I.E. if there is no heaven, then what? Does your body return to the earth and get recycled, in keeping with the laws of energy conservation? It seems more likely than a set "heaven", but this is one of the main tenets of Buddhism. My gut reaction is that simply nothing happens; there is no hereafter. Perhaps I lack the proper imagination to come up with a better answer.

Not having the answer is perhaps the main challenge of atheism. Believers choose to find fault in this, while non-believers embrace ambiguity as they rebel against a set need for understanding. No matter which school of thought you adhere to, the most overlooked piece of information, in my mind, is how people feel about death itself. Everyone seems to want to jump ahead, leaving the traumatic event of their own death to family and friends. But how do you feel about your own imminent demise? Surely, most are not indifferent towards such a calamitous event.

The obvious answer is that people don't want to die. This is clear, but it simplifies and evades my point. Here is an abstract thought almost no one bothers to consider. Beyond worrying about a time line for one's own life, again, how does it make you feel? Personally, I worry about more trivial matters as pertained to my demise. For instance, what if I die while following a favorite sports team during a promising season? Perhaps there's a film I've been long awaiting release in theaters. How awful would it be to expire before the end of the season of my favorite television show? These are the things I think about. Personal relationships don't really enter into the equation, at least at this point in my life. Does that make me cold or abnormal? I guess it's open to deliberation. I'm just saying we might as well have the balls to tackle the discussion head-on.

Jesus Is My Friend

2009-03-29T19:08:00.001-04:00

Can I Live? A Year of Gulliness, Crotchety Viewpoints and Scheisse Videos

2009-03-20T01:40:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe, but a year has passed since the inception of this website. There's been plenty of gulliness and crotchety viewpoints, yet no scheisse videos thus far. For the same token, in my first post I hinted that a list of my "top 25 fave rap cd's is coming up in the next few days." For those who don't follow my site on the regular, this list never occurred. It's disappointing, yet a fully representative microcosm of my life. Those who know me best will certainly get a kick out of this. Surely, spite will have nothing to do with that sentiment. What I have managed to do in the last 365 days is get a head start on drinking myself to death in a wholly earnest bout to throw my life away. So, you know, at least something's been accomplished.

On a positive note, one year ago I expressed my disdain for a certain obnoxious acronym, and vowed never to type it on this forum. Not only have I succeeded in going a whole year without typing it, I've abstained from even laughing out loud in my daily travails, lest I fail in my quest on some convoluted technicality. There's been no rolling on the floor laughing. Not once have I been accused of laughing my ass off. Under no circumstance have I laughed so hard my belly hurt. Take that, Generation Y.

Entering my second year trying to e-live, I anticipate a continued effort to make as little effort as possible. For you, my reader(s), I'll make little to no effort, whatsoever. That's how much I care. You can expect that my "top 25 fave rap cd's is coming up in the next few days." Additionally, in the upcoming months I'm planning informational posts ranging from my hatred of babies to how to get away with murder. If there's anything you feel is missing from this site, or any additional content you'd like to suggest, please do so in the comments section. I'll be sure to get to it promptly, along with all the other things I have planned*. Thank you for visiting Can I live?, and here's to another year of living.

* Not really

The Genealogy of Capps

2009-03-14T22:35:00.001-04:00

There are always opportunities for people to find out about their family histories. It is very surprising that more people do not. Everyone has bits of one story and pieces of another. My family is much the same. In fact, if not for the efforts and knowledge of my mother and my Aunt Katherine, I would most likely not have the full story today. If people were to delve into their personal family histories, more often than not, they will find out many interesting facts and tidbits they never knew. The case of my genealogy is no different. Some people outside the family may even find it somewhat intriguing.

I am one hundred percent, full-blooded Italian. There are absolutely no imperfections or cross-ethnicity in my blood. I am very proud of this, for not many people can say the same for themselves anymore. Three quarters of my ancestry can be traced back to Sicily, the island off the southern coast of Italy. The remaining twenty five percent hails from Calabria, the southern-most region of the Italian peninsula where my maternal grandfather’s family comes from. I will explore in greater detail the reasons why my family immigrated to the United States later on, but first they need to be introduced.

Illuminata “Nellie” Trubia was born in Colizana, Sicily in 1894. She was one of my paternal great grandmothers. Illuminata came to the U.S. when she was only four months old, and therefore had no memories of the Old Country. She was an only child, and her mother died when she was very young. Her father was a shoemaker who invested in land along the Bronx River. Unfortunately, he was talked into selling the land. One can only imagine how different our lives would have been had we still owned that lucrative stretch of property. At the age of fifteen, “Nellie” married Anthony Barbera who was twenty years her senior. He was born in Villa Franca, Provincia de Georgente, Sicily in 1874. While they were married, Anthony and Nellie had four children: Lilly, Vincent, my grandmother Rose, and Frank, whom they supported with Nellie working as a seamstress and Anthony as an ironworker. They remained married for eighteen years up until Anthony’s death due to heart disease in 1927. Nellie never remarried, stating that she didn’t want somebody else to raise her children.

My other paternal great grandmother was Mary Cucchiara. Not much information was available for her family, but she did marry Diego Capellino, a candy storeowner. When he came to the U.S., there were obvious problems at Ellis Island, which is why my last name is Cappeline and not Capellino. It is a shame to admit to the ignorant, and stereotypical, view of Sicilians, but there were mob ties in the family. Mary had two brothers, Petey and Mike, who were involved in the mafia spanning both Sicily and New York. Many years after coming to New York, Petey was shot to death in the street and Mike was murdered with a pickax. I find it quite odd how different distant relatives can be, just fifty years apart from one another. Regardless, Mary and Diego had three children: Francis, Anna, and my grandfather Daniel, who for some unknown reason was only known to everyone on earth as Jim. Mary and Diego divorced when my grandfather was twelve, which explains the lack of information.

The important offspring of the Barberas and Cappelines as it pertains to how I got here are Rose Barbera and Daniel Cappeline. Rose was born in New York on August 5, 1914, just four days after the outbreak of the First World War in Europe. Daniel was also born in New York on August 18, 1912. He was actually a twin, but his sister died shortly after birth. Neither of my grandparents graduated high school, but they were able to forge a decent life for their family nonetheless. They were married on January 25, 1942. Their first son, my Uncle Danny, was born three years later on May 14, 1945. Four years later my father, Gary, was born in the Bronx on July 22, 1949. My grandmother Rose worked the same job for twenty-five years, as a salesperson at Alexander’s Department Store on Fordham Road in the Bronx. Daniel was also in sales. He worked his way up the ranks in the sale of fur coats, eventually becoming a regional manager overseeing sales between Maine and Delaware. Later on in life he started his own home improvements business, which flourished for five years until his partner Erwin Kravitz disappeared with all the money, never to be seen or heard from again. After the failed venture, Daniel worked a series of sales jobs until he retired. He and Rose lived long lives. They were married for fifty-nine years until Daniel passed away in August of last year. Rose passed away shortly after, just nine days after this paper was written.

My mother’s side of the family is a very eclectic and interesting group of people. Antonio Vento, one of my maternal great grandfathers, came from a family that was surprisingly educated for Sicilians of their time. His father was an architect, as was one of his brothers. Another brother was a high-ranking officer in the Italian army, and his sister was a multi-lingual teacher. Antonio himself, born on March 24, 1886, was first clarinetist in the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. Antonio’s parents both died unusual deaths: his mother died when a hospital collapsed on top of her during a Sicilian earthquake. As if that weren’t enough, his architect father had built a church in Sicily, and upon attempting to place the Holy Crucifix atop his finished edifice, fell off the roof and died. Antonio survived his parents and went on to marry Margaret Cicero, who was born on December 7, 1899. Margaret, her mother, and thirteen siblings made and sold olive oil from the olive trees which grew in their yard while her father was establishing himself in America. The rest of the family eventually joined him when Margaret was fourteen. Once in America, Antonio and Margaret married and had two children: my nana Rose, born August 11, 1921, and her younger sister Francis. They were able to provide a comfortable life for Rose and Francis between Antonio’s music career and Margaret’s work as a seamstress.

The other half of my mother’s side of the family was not nearly as well off. Gitano Pennini and his wife Lucrezia Graziadio only had elementary school educations. Gitano was a stonemason and Lucrezia did not work. Instead, she took care of their nine children. Their names in descending order by age were: Angelo, Tessie, Frank, Vivian, Fay, Millie, Lucy, Pat, and my poppy Salvatore. These children were born between 1898 and January 26, 1917, Sal’s birthday. Not much is known about this family, however, since Gitano died when Sal was just seventeen. Lucrezia was a changed woman after this. She was so distraught by the death of her husband that she commit suicide not very long afterwards by jumping off the roof of their building. The siblings took care of one another after that. With such a large age disparity between oldest and youngest siblings, Angelo and Tessie became more like father and mother to Sal.

Rose Vento married Salvatore Pennini on June 30, 1946. The result of their marriage yielded two children: Salvatore Jr. and my mother Linda, born in the Bronx December 13, 1952. Rose was able to finish high school, and Sal completed tenth grade. Despite this fact, he was still able to find work as an electronics technician for an alarm system company. Rose worked as seamstress, and like my other grandmother, worked at Alexander’s Department Store, this time on 59th Street. In his earlier days, Sal was quite a dancer as well as a minor league baseball player. This ended when he broke his hip while working in his brother Frank’s liquor store. It was in that same liquor store that he was held up at gunpoint on three separate occasions. Sal and Rose were married for forty-eight years when Rose passed away in 1994. Sal followed less than two years later in 1996.

My parents, Gary Cappeline and Linda Pennini, were married on September 9, 1972. My father and both uncles, Danny and Sal, became the first in the family to receive college degrees. My father also received his Masters degree in chemical engineering in 1978 from the City College of New York. My mother, who was accepted into many of the top colleges in the country after high school, was unable to attend due to financial restraints. My parents’ generation was also the first to move away from extended family. Before, the entire family had lived together in the Bronx and Manhattan. My parents, as well as my Uncle Danny’s family, moved to New Jersey. Uncle Sal and his family moved north to the Poughkeepsie area of New York State. My parents have had two children. I was born on May 1, 1981. My younger brother, Jared, was born on January 21, 1988.

Unlike in past generations, my family has gotten increasingly smaller. Each of my parents only had one sibling. I only have one brother. My Uncle Danny had two kids, Jessica and Daniel. And my Uncle Sal has one daughter, Lauren. We are certainly not the family we used to be, like the Cicero’s who had fourteen kids, or Gitano Pennini’s family of nine. It is not size that makes the family; it is the bond shared between loved ones. In that respect, we are more of a family than some triple the size.

In studying the genealogy of a family, it is easy to neglect the fact that these were real people, alive to witness and take part in migrations, wars, and depressions. Salvatore Pennini was in the Army Air Force during World War II on Tinian Island in the South Pacific loading bombs onto planes. His nephew Joe was a Marine in World War II. Vincent Barbera served in North Africa at the same time. Both my uncles were in Vietnam; Danny saw major action as first lieutenant from 1968 – 1970. All four of my grandparents witnessed the hardships of the Great Depression as young adults. In addition, many of these people mentioned throughout this genealogy lived through cultural changes in migrating to a new country. Of course there is no way to document exactly why people came to the United States. For my father’s side of the family who was poor and lower class, coming to America must have offered attractive immigration opportunities and a chance at a new and better life. The same must have gone for the Cicero’s on my mother’s side. What about the educated and talented Ventos? Why would they leave a country that had presumably done so well for them? There is no way to tell for sure, but like so many others, America no doubt seemed like some magical land where anyone could become John D. Rockefeller. It is easy for people not to look at things in this way. I never had until I wrote this. Now I am able to see my ancestors as people, rather than just as historical figures that I had heard about in passing stories. It is true what they say, if one were to simply take the time to find out about their family histories, they will take away a lifetime’s worth of information to be valued throughout the generations.

Patrick Chewing

2009-03-11T16:12:00.002-04:00

I can't stop watching...I've been giggling like a little girl for the last five minutes.

The Expendables

2009-03-11T00:53:00.004-04:00

"A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator." Sounds like a decent enough plot for a movie, right? But wait, it's being written and directed by Sylvester Stallone. Makes it a bit more promising, I'd say. Hold the phone, now...wait till you fruits get a load of the cast. Sylvester Stallone. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mickey Rourke. Dolph Lundgren. Jet Li. Forrest Whitaker. Danny Trejo. Jason Statham. Eric Roberts. That's right, it's gonna be 90+ minutes of R-rated, ass-kicking fury! Can you believe this cast?!? Sly and Arnold together? Check! Rocky and Ivan Drago reunion? Check! The triumphant return of '80s action movie badassery? CHECK! I'm so fucking excited!!! 2010 can't come soon enough!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/

Worrisome News

2009-03-06T07:54:00.003-05:00

I think it's somewhat normal for one to freak out about their drinking habits from time to time. Most of us do at least a modicum of partying, right? I posit that part of the psychosis of the situation lies in one's inherent nature of...oh fuck it, who am I kidding? I'm drunk as shit. There's no reasoning to be had here, and that's the worrisome news. I cracked a 90 proof bottle of bourbon at roughly 10pm and have been drinking steadily ever since. Slowly, true, but I feel the volume is warranted, and now the bottle is gone. This particular point is at the very crux of the matter -- I'm not nearly as intoxicated as I should be. It's been several hours of hard liquor intake. I should be toasted, yet here I am at nearly 8am readying a coherent thought. It's almost blasphemous. I'm not sure what to make of this. Oh well, fuck it...wish I could be humorous, insightful, poignant or whatever it is my reader(s) look for from this blog. But I can't. That's worrisome.

American Ninja

2009-02-21T02:48:00.004-05:00

I just spent the last 95 minutes with a big goofy smile on my face like a schoolgirl experiencing her first crush. Why, you ask? Because I just got finished watching American Ninja, the 1985 classic starring Michael Dudikoff. Extreme gulliness. This dude(ikoff) is so badass, he goes more than ten minutes into the movie before even speaking a line. That's how powerful he is! Upon reflecting on the cinematic gift I've been privileged to bear witness to, I've come away with two points:

I've got to see the other four American Ninjas.
If I were filthy rich, I'd have a slew of assistants, and I'd assign them various random tasks like "Bring me Ninja III: The Domination on dvd by any means necessary."

Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? What is Ninja III: The Domination? I'll sum it up for you in one sentence: A breakdancer with ESP becomes possessed by a nasty ninja. Says it all. The icing on the cake is that both this and American Ninja were directed by the same guy, Sam Firstenberg. Talk about talent! Below, enjoy clips from these two gems.

Oscar Predictions

2009-02-20T01:37:00.011-05:00

I've been making good use of Cablevision's free movie Tuesdays as well as my roommate's Cinematographer's Guild free screenings to see pretty much every worthwhile movie up for awards at this year's Oscars. I feel pretty qualified as a result to offer my own predictions, so I'm gonna go ahead and do so. Bear in mind the Academy votes subjectively. As such, there's sometimes a disconnect between who should win and who actually wins. This, after all, is not a science. On to it...

Note: films appearing next to an asterisk mean I haven't seen them.

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

This is a classic case of the Academy's subjectivity. Heath Ledger's had this wrapped up for months, right? Didn't we decide this over the summer? I thought we had until I saw Doubt this week. Hate to be a dick, but as much as I loved Ledger's turn as The Joker (hint: A LOT!!!), Phillip Seymour Hoffman put in a far better dramatic performance. Had it not been for an untimely death, Hoffman would have Oscar #2. Instead, Mr. First Knight wins one for posterity's sake. Special mention should be made for Michael Shannon, who was amazing in a reduced role. Congratulations, you definitely have your name out there for the future.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

Amy Adams, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona*
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

I've heard some rumblings for MarisaTomei here but I don't think so. It's no fault of her own; the part she played just wasn't conducive. To me, Amy Adams is the only choice. She went 12 rounds with two heavyweights - Streep and Hoffman - and looked damn good in the process. Davis was also fantastic in the same film, only her screen time barely amounted to fifteen minutes over one extended scene. Though I haven't seen Cruz's performance, I have a hard time seeing her as an Oscar winner. Adams is the safe pick.

Actor in a Leading Role:

Richard Jenkins, The Visitor*
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Frank Langella! The man is in his late seventies, been in the game for a half century and has yet to be recognized. What more do you need? Better still, he's an absolute tour-de-force in this film. The climactic scene, where he takes over without saying a word, is nothing short of breathtaking. Talk about a thousand words! Mickey Rourke was also really excellent - clearly his best effort. I could see it going to him, I just think Langella is more deserving. The dark horse is Penn, only because the left-leaning Academy loves these call to action movies and he's really good in it. I'm sticking with Langella though.

Actress in a Leading Role

Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married*
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River*
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, The Reader

This category is a bit of a wildcard for me given I've yet to see 40% of the entrants' work. With that said, I can rule out Anne "Havoc" Hathaway on general principle. And though I'm generally averse to "the buzz", I've heard zilch about Melissa Leo. Except, you know, that she was in Righteous Kill. So yeah, no. Meryl Streep should win, but Kate Winslet will. Here's why: Winslet is a fantastic actress who's been nominated six times but never won. Furthermore, voters will also have her very strong performance in Revolutionary Road fresh in their minds. Meanwhile, Meryl Streep is one of the very most celebrated actresses of her time. All of this equals triumph for Winslet. I do hope all the posturing can be laid to rest and Streep is given her due, especially since she's only won twice in 15 nominations herself, but I just don't see it. Kate Winslet proves that fucking pubescent German boys = ultimate success.

Directing:

Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant, Milk

This is by far the toughest category for me to predict. I make no qualms in my admission that I know little of the technical side of the film industry. While I know jack shit of editing or cinematography, and realize film direction is often about management as much as it is about art or being tech-savvy, I'm going for it regardless. The obstacle here is that every film is exceptional and does a great job of drawing the viewer in. This is definitely not a weak year. Still, I think it comes down to Danny Boyle and David Fincher. The former helmed the surprise favorite of the season. It's charming, stylish, and above all, very well put together. Fincher crafted the only true epic of the season. Both are worthy. I'm going with David Fincher here, and I don't even really know why. It's just a bit more traditional, and I feel like that could be the difference maker.

Best Picture:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

Like I said earlier, all of these selections are fantastic. That's not something I can say every year, when there are shit sandwiches getting recognition I don't understand (see There Will Be Blood, Titanic). There's not a weak film in the bunch. However, as good as they all are, picture of the year comes down to two: Slumdog Millionaire and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's not surprising there's a direct overlap with the previous category because these two films stand head and shoulders above the competition. Recent history favors an overlap of best picture and director Oscars. I'm going against the grain: Slumdog is more than deserving. It's one of the most unique, well-done, entertaining, exciting, well-acted films in recent memory. For the record, each film is a must see. The Reader is wonderful as well, a close third. Here's my order from best to almost best:

Slumdog Millionaire
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Reader
Frost/Nixon
Milk

Father of the Year

2009-02-18T22:25:00.002-05:00

Editor's Note: The following post is from official Can I Live? contributor Barnes. Bear in mind his daughter recently celebrated her first birthday.

My daughter and I went to the grocery today. While I was waiting for my deli meats I had to burp. As is the custom in my house I blew my burp at my daughter. I got the feeling that a fellow patron and her daughter were disgusted. My suspicions were confirmed when they verbally expressed their disappointment. Having absolutely no pride, I shrugged it off and moved on with my shopping. As I was closing up my shopping trip in the bread isle, my daughter was holding the shopping list so I was asking her what else we needed to get and she was babbling incoherently in that adorable way only a one year old can. When I responded to her babble in my best gushy baby voice, "Pussy? Who are you calling a pussy? If you're not careful you're likely to get knocked out." Sure enough the same mother-daughter combo popped out from around the corner hidden by the 6 foot high pile of english muffins. After hearing everything I had just said, the previously mentioned mother-daughter combo felt the need to again express verbally their disappointment. I responded in what I think was the best way possible, by saying with a smile "well....how do you know until you try it" ending it in an upward inflection, at the time I had know idea what that meant, but I hope they got home and were consumed by what I said. I like to think that's the sort of thing that will haunt them forever.

I Can't Think Of Anything To Say

2009-02-16T02:19:00.002-05:00

Good thing every word in the title is capitalized. It's not like it took me five minutes to type it or anything. Can I live? That's operative, given this blog's title. Of course, the answer is no. Plus, I can't live in a literal sense...there are too many people against me. No Russ Geltman. My roommate and longtime friend Russ Geltman sees fit to make me suffer at all turns. Wow...no idea what I'm talking about. I guess that's what you get when you're forced to be in your room for hours at a time. If your name is Russ Geltman, I have a message for you. LET ME OUT. I'M SUFFERING. THIS IS LIKE PRISON TO ME. I WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION, GOD DAMNIT.

Editor's Note, Next Morning Edition: Wow! I think I drink too much.

Quick Check-In

2009-02-14T02:49:00.002-05:00

I don't have much to say. Just wanted to drop in and leave something, considering most people bitch I don't post enough. You know who does post enough? Shampton. Shampton posts more than enough, I think you'll agree, once you check out his brand spankin new blog:

http://chris-hampton.blogspot.com/

It's more than worth your while. I'm not sure how much a while is worth, but Shampton will surely let you know. I hate when you pour that one final drink at the end of the night because, at the time, you can't gauge how drunk you are. Then you come to find out you're way drunker than originally anticipated. But you have an entire 12oz glass of scotch to drink. And surely, you're not going to allow said glass to go undrunk. So you sit there sipping it for what seems like ages, only to let what seems like hours pass by with hardly a discernible dent having been made. Finally, you start gulping straight scotch at nearly three am just so you feel as if you've accomplished something...another feat to cross off your bucket list. To make matters worse, you arrive home earlier in the night to discover your friend Barnes has made all sorts of alcoholic/pseudo-homosexual accusations against your person, and you just want to drink away the pain to prove that a) you'll not answer to any such alcoholic accusations, and b) you're not gay, damnit. Seem ridiculous? That's because it is. And I would know; I'm practically the puppet master in the macabre theater of ridiculousness.

It all boils down to making a decision to type whatever comes to mind regardless of how nonsensical it may seem. Psychiatrists use this with their patients sometimes. I believe it's called "freethinking". What you've just read, apparently, is my innermost and purest thoughts. Scared? Me too. I'd provide a link for sending donations right now, except you'll all be paying for my burden regardless once I'm officially a ward of the state. As it stands, I already wear pajamas all day while vegetating in front of the tube...so it shouldn't be much of a culture shock once I make the official move from my couch to the loony bin.

My only hope is that I'm able to hold it together long enough to enact a plan some close friends have hatched to run up a $1000 tab at Cafe 210 in State College, PA. And to be clear, these are college prices so reaching said goal would really be quite the feat. To learn more, join the Facebook group $1000 Tab at Cafe 210. If you're unable to do so, inquire within and I'll direct you accordingly. If there's nothing else, I'll just gulp down the rest of this scotch, giggle alone in my room for awhile, and call it a night. Adieu.

Black Dynamite

2009-02-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

Your Grandma Called. She Wants Her Great Depression Back.

2009-02-10T01:51:00.004-05:00

We are so fucked. You know how fucked we are? So fucked, that our children's children will be pregnant with little fucked children as a result of how truly, economically fucked we are. I'm not gonna come at you with all sorts of facts and figures, because frankly, I'm ill-equipped to do so. I am the dictionary definition of a layperson when it comes to this matter. But isn't that what makes this all the more tangible? You don't have to possess some doctorate-level understanding of the situation to know that shit is gonna get a lot worse still before it gets better.

Watching tonight's presidential address I was struck by a few points. First of which is that it's refreshing to have my leader engage in open dialogue with his people. Yes his answers were rehearsed, as are all presidential answers in this setting. But one got the feeling he allowed for thinking aloud, to pardon the pseudo homonym. Second is the realization that not one of us could have imagined a scenario twelve months ago where our President would give an address in which it would take 45 minutes for the topic of the War on Terror to arise. This is a testament to the tensity and reality of our country's economic status. To use the word a second time, the matter of economic recession is simply more tangible to the average American than is the war being waged abroad. Third, in fairness, is the possible overestimation of Obama's ability to unite Republicans and Democrats like he was trumpeted as being able to do during the election. It's true he's only been in office three weeks, but let's hope for everyone's sake this battle over his economic stimulus package isn't a preview of things to come over the next four years. If it is, and sides can't even agree money needs to be spent to lift ourselves out of this hole we've dug, how can it be expected that two ideologies can converge over more traditionally combative topics like how to solve the health care debacle or what measures to take to elevate our educational system.

I'm not claiming to have answers here. In fact, this problem is at the crux of the matter. With everyone claiming the need for bipartisanship, no one on either side has a definitive cure for what ills us. The only saving grace seems to be the total agreement that something needs to be done, even if that something remains undefined in the short term. I, for one, am scared shitless. Certainly things haven't been this messed up during the course of my lifetime of almost 28 years. Yet, I remain confident in our path. It will undoubtedly be a struggle, but with our new direction hopefully there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

To end on a lighter note (and I think we can all use one), I was reminded of the following sketch while watching Obama this evening. Imagine if this actually happened? It would be hilarious (but more so tragic [but also pretty hilarious])!

Chappelle's Show

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Vernon Franklin

Charlie Murphy Videos
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy
True Hollywood Story

Another bullshit note with 25 useless facts

2009-02-05T02:28:00.002-05:00

Editor's note: This list is copied from my facebook note. These things are so fucking trendy now that I decided to do one. My apologies if you're reading this here because you found my website via this same list on Facebook...just scroll down or check the archives for new content.

1) People who wear open-toed shoes should be exterminated for the greater good of the human race.

2) I've been in several music groups, including Bastard Sons, Jiggy Nation, and Sound Theory.

3) My blog that no one reads is called Can I Live?. It can be found, thanks to my shameless plug, here: http://imustlive.blogspot.com/

4) I love to travel, and have been to more places abroad than within the borders of this here United States.

5) I love to drink, and have been intoxicated more nights in the past decade than is considered healthy within the parameters of common sense.

6) I feel that a lack of adherence to social mores will lead to the eventual downfall of Western Civilization. Shit, look at how proper the Chinese are. Just stand to the fucking right while on escalators. Jesus!

7) Don't get me started on Jesus, or religion for that matter. Machines for control, and nothing more.

8) I have a belly button

9) Tecmo Super Bowl for Super Nintendo is the greatest video game ever made.

10) People from the South (and Ohio) are stupid. Arguing with me only proves my point.

11) My top five favorite movies are Unforgiven, Goodfellas, The Godfather, Se7en, and Vanilla Sky.

12) When I go for a run, I think, "Why am I running?" Then I stop.

13) I love my couch.

14) Having strong political opinions is a good thing. Blind adherence to one school of thought, however, is terribly detrimental.

15) When I was three my mom dumped a glass of milk on my head, then laughed maniacally. I've yet to make a full emotional recovery.

16) I've lived in four states: New Jersey (represent!), Pennsylvania, Road Island, and Ohio (ewwww).

17) People used to marvel at my love for 7th Heaven. I used to tell them that it was like watching a bad car accident. You can't look away.

18) When the world is irrevocably changed on 12/21/12, I'm going to laugh heartily at all of you who worked so hard these past few years.

19) I think it's funny how every time you're in a relationship that's going well you think you've met the love of your life. Then, when it goes to shit, you conveniently forget that this person was the "only one" for you. What is it? How many great loves is one allotted?

20) I'll let you all in on a secret: there is no one love of your life. Convenient how everyone has one of these from within a five mile radius of where they grew up...out of this vast universe, your soul mate went to high school with you? Get real.

21) I am a pessimist...

22) ...however, I am god damned optimistic about cheese!

23) If all these beauty queens were actually able to end world hunger, cure diseases and stop wars, what then? There'd be 20 billion of us overextending the earth's space and resources and we'd all die anyway. Sorry.

24) I tried in earnest to make most of these points humorous, but failed miserably because

25) These lists are ridonkulous.

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2009-02-05T00:23:00.002-05:00

This poll business is absurd on a number of counts, not least of which are the facts that the polls are seldom posted on Wednesdays and almost never posted weekly. For instance, today is Thursday, and it's been roughly two months since I last bothered to deal with this nonsense. Truth be told, I'm kinda getting tired of the idea. Yet here I am ready to half-ass it once more for no one in particular. Last time I queried as to how I would best be described . You chose:

Nihilist (56%)
Narcissist (22%)
Must I really look these words up (22%)
Pariah (0%)
Plutocrat (0%)

At first glance, this appears to be a win for my readership; I would have figured way more than 22% of you wouldn't know what these words meant and opt for the cop out answer. But when you take into account that no one chose the latter two possibilities, it becomes obvious none of you fools know what you're talking about. Clearly I'm both pariah and plutocrat, so disagreements can't be to blame here. It's an indictment of the American education system, really. Tsk tsk. Anyway, no doubt those who voted recalled nihilist and narcissist as vocab words from high school English in some deep recess of their minds, and hence clicked one of those. For the record, while I am quite fond of myself, I do also lack a feeling of purpose. We're all ants in a maze... For that, I'd have to cosign on the results of this poll.

**************************

I racked my brain for almost a full thirty seconds before settling on this new poll question. It's rather thought provoking. Not really, but we must have a poll. Do you like me? Yes, no? I can see where this one's going. But I'll go ahead with it regardless. Let your voices be heard. Just remember my blood could be on your hands. Just kidding.

Best Divorce Letter Ever

2009-01-13T15:37:00.001-05:00

Click on image to enlarge...this is friggin hilarious to me.

Top 10 CDs of 2008

2009-01-06T18:22:00.015-05:00

When I made this list last year, I wrote how crappy music had become and how I could only come up with 17 candidates for a top ten list. Well, things must be even worse because there's only fifteen albums for me to choose from for my Top 10 CDs of 2008. The strange thing is I obtain new music constantly, only it's not actually "new." With the music industry having gone to shit, if one wishes to expand his horizons the only way to go is backward. I just keep discovering older music and rolling with it as if it were new. Matter of fact, I found a few cd's from last year that probably would have cracked that list. What can I say? There's a lot of underground and obscure shit out there...it's impossible to get to it all in a timely fashion.

Before revealing my list, I'd like to make one disclaimer: This is not a list of my favorite albums, like the still forthcoming Top 25 favorite CDs list I keep talking about. These ten discs are the best to come out from last year. It is not my opinion; it is my fact. Here we go:

David Cook - David Cook
Oasis - Dig Out Your Soul
Erin Bode - The Little Garden
Asher Roth - The Greenhouse Effect Vol. 1
Everclear - The Vegas Years
Elzhi - The Preface/Europass
Cookin Souls - Ojayzis: Jay-Z vs. Oasis
Johnson & Jonson - Johnson & Jonson
The Roots - Rising Down
Atmosphere - When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

You might have noticed that this year's best are a little less rap-heavy as compared to last year. That's because hip-hop had a banner year in awful, which is really saying something given the direction the genre has been headed for years now. To top it off, two of the five rap cd's are white guys (Asher Roth and Atmosphere)! That Cookin Souls disc has rap, but it's a mashup so I consider that to be in a different category. The other five albums are rock/jazz, including four of the top five. And the best album of 2008 is by none other than David Cook, the most recent American Idol winner. And before you get all pissy in the comments, know that this man has a sound like no other Idol grad. His shit rocks, as does the new Oasis cd...I urge you to check them out.

Let me know what you all think. I'm sure there'll be plenty of disagreements. And while we're at it, fill me in on the nonsense you've been listening to this past year. Perhaps I've overlooked something (though I doubt it). For posterity's sake, check out last year's top ten by clicking on the link below. I think I like those better than this year's crop. Let's hope this is not a developing trend...



Top 10 CDs of 2007

Mental Meanderings

2008-12-31T13:38:00.002-05:00

When you wake up in the morning with the shakes after a long night of drinking, a good cure is an ice cold glass of Chardonnay. Keep one chilled next to your bed, so you can down it as soon as you wake up. Takes care of the shakes and gives you energy to face the day.
Random Whore: I like it when you place my penis inside your mouth. I understand you don't need to be doing this, and I appreciate it. Only, try to use less teeth next time. It'll make my walk home less painful the following morning.
Nick Nolte and Gary Busey are the same person. As such, Jake Busey is the progeny of Nick Nolte.
If you like cocaine and whores, go to Paraguay. It's really cheap, and there's not much else to do there.
I saw a man on the street wearing a STOP WARS t-shirt. I asked him what his plan for the ensuing overpopulation problem was.
You'd think with the amount of time, planning, effort and energy put into clothing and makeup decisions women wouldn't look so consistently stupid. You'd think, but you'd be wrong.
Kurt Russell and Patrick Swayze are the same person. I don't know either of their children's names.
Miranda Cosgrove is the next Miley Cyrus. Remember you heard it here first.
If Beverly Hills 90210 can have a new show recreated, I think it's high time for another thirteen years of 7th Heaven.
I met a female bartender last night who looked exactly like Dolph Lundgren. Spitting image. I busted out all sorts of Ivan Drago quotes. Strangely, she didn't seem to get it.
What do you call a Chinese man who is unable to mourn the death of his wife? Unbereavable.

That's all I got. Be safe tonight, kids, and have a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T20:29:00.001-05:00

I just pissed myself.

Back To the Future, To Paraguay

2008-12-07T05:32:00.003-05:00

You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the awful transgressions described in my Top 5 Hangovers post below. Apparently not. It's back to Asuncion for me. By the time most of you people with jobs read this on Monday morning I'll be in a Sao Paolo airport bar killing a five-hour layover en route to my final destination. The picture above is, in fact, the same Cafecitos Pub from my immortal Hangover of Paraguayan Proportions story. Read it and you'll know why I'm so disgusted. Anyway, I'm gone for two weeks so these recent entries are all you have to sustain you in my absence. If I don't post again before the holidays, and the odds are good I won't, enjoy yourselves and tie one on for me. Peace, children.

Top 5 Hangovers

2008-12-07T02:40:00.014-05:00

5. Penn State vs. Wisconsin, 2008: The fifth-worst hangover I've experienced occurred a few Sundays ago, as a result of the previous night's festivities. I was out early on Saturday at a Penn State gathering for the game vs Wisconsin. I got it in my head early on that I wouldn't duplicate the same drink, nor the same type of alcohol, for the rest of the night. Upon proclaiming this, and ordering shots of tequila after I'd already had beer, wine, gin, scotch, and vodka, my friend Kellen warned me I'd "hate myself tomorrow." Boy was he right. Everyone else seemed to have the good sense to call it a night around 11pm, after a good five hours of hard drinking. Not me. I decided it'd be a good idea to stumble across town and go on a Jaeger and Irish car bomb binge until the bar closed at 4am. Next I remembered, I was suffering in bed at 9 o'clock the following morning. The long and short of it is a Sunday defined by my matching vomiting with shitting, four apiece. The cherry on top came when simply brushing my teeth culminated in the fourth and final bout of regurgitation. Good times.

4. New Year's Eve, 1999: Next is the millennium New Year's Eve party I had at the beach house eight years ago. This was the first of many immortal shindigs to go down in south Jersey. We were still young; my dark secret is that I didn't know how to hold my liquor back then. We were only a few months removed from high school and the party had been built up so much. Everything was going without a hitch until the ball dropped. I don't recall much, but I can only assume that so much alcohol was consumed in the first twenty minutes of the new millennium that disaster ensued. What I do know is that I was vomiting face-down in the sand by 12:30. My girlfriend at the time ended up having to take care of me for most of the night as I writhed in pain screaming "What's happening to me?!?" Unlike the previous entry on this list I was not a seasoned veteran. As such, this was not a good time.

3. Prelude to Raz's 40s oz Party, 2007: I don't even recall what went down the night prior to this. What makes it worthy of this list is the sheer suffering that took place the following day, also the day of my friend Raz's annual 40-ounce birthday extravaganza. All I know is I entered the previous night planning to take it easy in preparation for the following day's debauchery. Clearly, I should have know better than to think I could control myself. At this time, I still took pride in the ability to abstain from getting sick the next day as a result of abusive drinking. Sure, it happens to us all from time to time, but up to this point the vast majority of my transgressions occurred near the point of so-called foul and not the next day. This occasion was different. I purged a record eight times the following afternoon, the last couple of which were pure blood. I was in such poor shape that, in order to buy time, I told my roommate I couldn't make the trip down to Philly. This infuriated him, as we'd had these plans weeks in advance. Eventually, I summoned the strength to ride shotgun in my own car the 100 minutes down the NJ Turnpike to Raz's place. The rest of the night went surprisingly well; after starting slow I found my groove and was able to take down several forties. Highlight of the evening, however, came in an exchange I had with some local chick. She approached asking to borrow a lighter. I obliged, after explaining how important it was for me to hold onto that particular lighter (I'd been trying to make a Bic last for a year, and explained this to her as such). She came back a few minutes later, handed me the lighter, and sat down to talk to me. Normally I would've considered myself lucky, but apparently vomiting blood and bile all day doesn't work wonders for one's breath. You should have seen the look on her face the first time I spoke. She put a hand over her mouth and gave me a look that was equal parts disbelief and despair. Needless to say I struck out. At least I got my lighter back.

2. Everclear urinal night, 2001: Around this time I had really gotten into grain alcohol. I went to school in Pennsylvania where it wasn't available, so returning from holiday breaks and long weekends from Jersey with Everclear was a big deal. I don't think I'm going out on much of a limb by saying that no one was as into it as I was. Sure, I'd sold a few bottles, used its high alcohol content to lure a couple unsuspecting women into bed, and shared plenty with my friends, but no one was as fond of the 195-proof sauce as me. After awhile, even my closest drinking partners abandoned the Clear for more conventional imbibing methods. It was around this time I found myself at my friends' apartment drinking the stuff alone. Everyone else was sipping liquor, but the problem is that Everclear is more than twice the potency of regular alcohol. It's actually perfectly safe and quite cost-effective when used properly, but when you take down the same volume as those drinking normal shit, disaster is bound to ensue. This time was no different. Of course I blacked out, and when I came to I was being shaken awake by my friend Dev. Vomit was everywhere. My head was resting on a urinal in my dormitory bathroom. Dev told me it was 7:30 in the morning, which to me meant I could sleep in. Only problem was that it was a Monday morning. Slowly I began to notice the faces of some of the early risers from my floor stepping over me, those I wasn't really friends with. I'll never forget the looks of disgust and pity they shot me. Dev was kind enough to help me to my bed where I remained for nearly 24 hours, sleeping intermittently, moaning and suffering without eating. It was one of the only times I've ever been ashamed of myself.

1. The Hangover of Paraguayan Proportions, 2006: This was by far my worst hangover. It's dozens of levels in magnitude worse than my second worst hangover. I could even be talked into claiming it's the single most destructive hangover of all time, given the proper amount of alcohol necessary to make such a bold claim. It was summer 2006, and I was in Paraguay visiting a "friend" with a couple of my own. Let me state right from the start that this was the most unhealthy week of my life. First off, I was eating foreign food, much of which was slathered with this strange homemade hot sauce that resembled spoiled milk in both color and consistency. Second was the water, which no matter how safe it's claimed to be contains pathogens that outsiders just aren't used to. Third is the obvious element of nonstop drinking. What puts this situation over the top, and is likely the main reason for my extreme suffering, is that I refused to shit while I was there. Paraguay is a third-world country, officially speaking. It's normal in many respects, but its lack of infrastructure and common luxuries is what gives the country this distinction. When I got there, I was informed that you could not flush toilet paper down the toilet, as the drainage system was unable to handle it. This meant that upon wiping one's ass, one had to throw the soiled bombaclot in the garbage. This was unappealing to me. And that's just in the city...when in the jungle, where there are few proper toilets, one must squat over dugged holes in makeshift outhouses! Clearly I was disgusted, and made my voice heard as such from the get-go. Being that all my friendships are spiteful, my invocations fell on deaf ears. This upset me, so I made a bold proclamation: I would go the entire eight days in Paraguay without taking a shit. Of course, no one believed me, but I was determined.

It went on like this for days...eating, drinking, not shitting. Each morning became tougher to overcome, until about the fifth day it happened. It was a normal night by all accounts. There were about seven of us chilling in a bar downtown. At the end of the night when the bill came, I cavalierly declared I would pick up the tab. This is something I do often, to my detriment. Here I was lucky because seven people drinking in Asuncion for five hours apparently equal just $35 American. We took cabs back to the hotel, and I pushed for the night to continue. Being the bitch my "friend" Alistair is, he opted out in favor of sleep and sex with his girlfriend (what a loser!). Only Shampton, whom I halfheartedly admit is a fucking trooper, was down to keep going. We parted ways with the hottest all-girl rock band in the southern hemisphere, The Sandy Vaginas, and headed across the street to Cafecitos Pub. This place was a goldmine! The drinks were cheap even by their standards. The bar was empty, which I love. And, best of all, the two middle-aged female bartenders popped on interracial anal sex porn for our viewing pleasure!

They spoke no English and only I spoke minimal Spanish, so there was a definitive communication barrier. We settled our tab via a ledger they kept which was left on the bar top. Every so often one of us would give them money and they'd mark it down. At one point, I gave them 70,000 Guarani and went to the bathroom. A minute later, Shampton entered and told me he'd settled the most recent tab. The only problem was that I'd settled that same tab. These women tried to hustle us! I exited el bano hell-bent on revenge. I spent the next twenty minutes screaming expletives and broken Spanish about how we'd been cheated. The three or four other patrons in there were obviously frightened, but I remained undeterred. Even as Shampton lost interest and disassociated himself with me I continued fighting the good fight. I would not be denied. The bartenders argued their point faithfully, but soon enough they broke. In the end, the owner/head bartender handed me my money back. It was the equivalent of $5. I threw it down upon her, screaming "Inaceptable!" Shampton continued to ignore me. I left the bar and stumbled across the street to my hotel.

The next morning there was much rumbling about last night's events. The first thing I remember upon waking is severe suffering. Al and the boys were questioning me, nay, sticking it to me for the shit that went down. In an attempt to show them my actions were not grounded in drunkenness, I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and chugged it. Immediately I realized it was a mistake. I coolly made my way to the bathroom, vomited, and returned as if nothing happened. I did my best to appear normal.

For reasons I can only chalk up to bad karma, that was the most active day of the entire trip. We walked all over the city as I moaned and groaned. That night we went to a very loud jazz club. Nearly 24 hours removed from the incident and I was having the hardest time of my life. The music was so loud, and I kept having to get up to walk around just to settle myself. I couldn't sit still, lest I vomit, and left the club at least ten times in four hours to fight the inevitable. I even walked to a nearby pharmacy looking for a miracle cure, each time returning in just as poor of shape as before. My friends were far too gleeful, only further compounding the problem.

I have never been nearly as hungover as that day before or since. In reading this entry back to myself there are no words to do it justice. In retrospect, it was much more than a hangover. It was a wholly new state of being. It's the reason why, in my group of friends, an entirely original term was lent to this phenomenon: The Hangover of Paraguayan Proportions. The long-short of it is I spent 45 minutes in a Sao Paolo, Brazil airport bathroom and ended up ok in the end. I probably would've been better served to bite the bullet and shit in less than stellar conditions like everyone else. I'm sure it's the main reason why things played out the way they did. But you know what? I'm the only person who can say he lasted eight days in Paraguay without taking a crap. So there.

Jizz In My Pants

2008-12-07T02:37:00.000-05:00

Weekly Poll Not Wednesdays!!!

2008-12-06T01:44:00.002-05:00

Ok, it's not Wednesday. It's been more than a month since I put up the last poll. I have no right calling it "Weekly Poll Wednesdays." I get it. I get it. Relax, I have no energy. Last time we pontificated upon the best horror movie franchise. Here are the results:

Saw (36.4%)
Nightmare On Elm Street (27.3%)
Halloween (18.2%)
George Romero's Zombie Films (9.1%)
Friday The 13th (9.1%)

You all liked Saw. Fine. I voted for Jason, which came in last. This tells me people today spurn movies "before their time" for films they remember being in theaters last year. Don't get me wrong, I like all the Saw movies. It's just that I'm able to recognize superior film making over glitz and glamor. Perhaps you're not. I'm amused by the fact that the two selections I would have placed at the top of this poll came in last. Shame on you. Do yourselves a favor and study up. Damn, there goes my Kurosawa poll.

*********************

Since no one besides myself is up to the task, filmically speaking, see if you can wrap your heads around this: How would you, faithful reader, describe me? I've provided selections with little thought involved. Of course, my introduction to this week's poll may have answered the question for you already (hint???). This is a good question to pose right now, since I'll be out of your lives for the next couple of weeks (more on this in future posts). Use this poll question to satisfy your jones for Can I Live? in the meantime.

A Great Day To Be Alive

2008-11-22T08:23:00.002-05:00

I actually didn't drink last night. I know! I watched a bunch of television, checked out a couple movies, played a respectable amount of freecell and solitaire, and, at the end of the night, got in bed and began a book. The problem with someone in my position not drinking is that you can't settle in to read the meanderings of an alcoholic writer and expect to not drink. I stuck with it for awhile, but by eight in the morning I couldn't take it anymore. Having not slept yet I cracked my first brew at a quarter after. Now I'm writing to you. I figure I'll imbibe leisurely until I'm tired enough to pass out. Hopefully that works.

Update: It's 10:47 and I've officially ran out of alcohol. Just returned from an adventure to purchase some beer and wine. Only problem is the damn store isn't open yet. Man, what does a brother have to do to get his drink on?!? Jesus give me strength! It appears this is the end of the road. Goodnight I guess.

Update Redux: It's 12:41pm and I HAVE PERSEVERED! I planned on throwing in the towel, sadly, after my failed expedition to the liquor store. However, when all seemed lost I stumbled upon some rum my roommate had stashed away. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I drank that shit. Fuck him anyway; he'll likely understand I need this. His Captain subsided me until the liquor store opened. I watched pre-recorded Jeopardy to pass the time. It was unfruitful, academically.

Noon passed and I made my triumphant return to the liquor store. I enjoy being out in public intoxicated and still awake from the night before. You walk amongst the savages and chuckle to yourself over your dirty little secret. It's one of the only situations in which I feel comfortable in my own skin. Anyway, I bought a six-pack and a bottle of Beaujolais. this should last me at least until I'm able to go to sleep, reawaken, and return to Yash Liquors.

On a side note, I had much difficulty completing my liquor store task. Nothing due to a lack of brain cells, mind you. I'm used to that. It's because I had no contacts in. I usually only wear my glasses at night, but my eyes have been bothering me the past few days. Now, I don't have a problem wearing my glasses out. This isn't a vanity issue. The problem is that I've had the same pair for at least ten years. They're mangled, crooked, and most importantly, missing the horizontal piece that curls around your ear on one side (what is that called? It's not coming to me). And that, combined with my drunkenness among common folk is just too much to handle. So I went to the store without them. I guess it wasn't that much of a problem, but man, I'd be really interested to have a camera crew follow me around in these situations. I must have been deciding on wine and beer with my face an inch from the bottle. What the guy behind the counter must have thought...

So that's my story. At least so far, anyway. I doubt I'll post again today but who knows. And by the way, I know the Top 5 Hangovers piece I promised is overdue. It's still pending. I have a hard time concentrating most of the time, especially when something becomes a bonafide deadline. Also, I haven't been drinking much the past couple weeks, believe it or not. You all know by now that I can only do this shit (or anything) drunk, so bear with me. Cheers.

Johnson & Jonson

2008-11-19T18:34:00.002-05:00

You've likely never heard of these guys. And I'm sure you're unfamiliar with Blu. Trust me though, that won't last. Dude is one the the hottest newcomers in a long while. Listen to my man kill this track and then try and disagree. Didn't think so.

Pluck Yew

2008-11-16T13:06:00.002-05:00

Can I Live?: A cross between Chuck Klosterman and Charles Bukowski

2008-11-10T02:27:00.005-05:00

So says my good friends at PerfSpot.com. This is quite the compliment. And I would know, I looked it up. For those not in awares, this fine website you're currently perusing was recently featured on their site. Apparently, the mixture of randomness, misogyny, and references to alcoholism is just what the doctor ordered. Can you blame them? I'm the shit! But seriously, your boy is taking off. Big time. This opportunity has re-energized me. I would love to get paid for something I already do for free. Now if only I could find a way to be rewarded for masturbating, watching television and sampling assorted spirits.

Various collaborations are in the works with PerfSpot for the future. You can look forward to artist features, interviews, assorted articles and more shit jockin' the fantastical nature of my genius here on Can I Live?, all involving yours truly. You really should check it out. (As of the date of this writing, you can find my feature a couple pages down the music outlet section.) Plus, you can expect the same level of drunken ridiculousness you get from me on this site. I made it a point to put it in my contract.

Quick side note: I wish people could see how long it takes me to type these posts. I'm almost always too drunk to type, let alone put cohesive thoughts together. It takes me forever. Take tonight for instance. The time stamp you all see on the site is from the moment I open a new post. In actuality, it's probably gonna take me more than a half hour to get through all this. That's because I 1) can't type worth shit, 2) need to constantly backtrack to fix mistakes, 3) don't have the mental fortitude to follow what I'm writing about, and 4) must go back and reread what I've just written on an alarmingly regular basis just so I can put a consistent thought together. It's a real pain in the ass.

Anyway, please don't let that deter you. Charles Bukowski, as it turns out, is someone I should probably consider an influence and hero. His shit is hilarious and amazing. If my writing could be even a fraction as poignant as his I'd be more than satisfied. I'm considering taking a series of dead-end jobs, making it a point to sleep with loose and immoral women, drinking (more) profusely, and sending a bunch of treatments to just one publisher out of spite. Hey, if it worked for him, why can't it do the same for me?

*** Up next: Top Five Hangovers. This will hopefully be a good one. Look for it sometime mid-week.

It's Gettin' Better (Man!!)

2008-11-05T00:58:00.004-05:00

Finally, those Americans I might consider honkies didn't fuck it up for the rest of us. Sound bitter? That's because I was bitter. Not anymore; now it's your turn. Please don't get it twisted, though. I'm proud to have no party affiliation. I've voted both ways based on what's best for the country as a whole. I'm just happy I don't have to hang out with my parents as often just for the free booze. My man's gonna turn this thing around! Enjoy the celebratory tune below.

Oasis - It's Gettin' Better (Man!!)

PerfSpot: A social networking site

2008-11-04T02:06:00.005-05:00

Howdy folks! Recently I've begun working in conjunction with PerfSpot, a rapidly growing social networking website with many unique and interactive features available to users. Of special interest to me is their music section. Here you can get the latest music news, discover new artists, create playlists and stream audio content. If you're like me, and have an insatiable thirst for new and different music, you'll want to check this out. I've begun working with their music director, and you'll be happy to know Can I Live? will be featured regularly on the site. We're still working out the details, but this can include links and discussion to content on my blog, guest playlists from yours truly, and features on artists I enjoy. I'm already working with Matt, the director, on an article for Oasis' new album. So how about showing me some support and checking 'em out? Create an account as well. I doubt you'll be sorry. Go ahead and click the link below. Later, gators!

PerfSpot.com

Chainsaw Maid

2008-10-30T12:12:00.001-04:00

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2008-10-29T23:28:00.004-04:00

I might have to rename these posts. Clearly I don't have the wherewithal to create and write about new polls each week. What can I say? Perhaps if I had more incentive I could make it happen. Perhaps if you voted more often, I'd be energized to stick to deadlines. That's right, I'm transferring blame onto my reader(s). You're all so selfish. Anyway, onward to the business at hand. Two weeks ago, on the heels of the Saturday Night Live sketches involving Tina Fey's portrayal of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, I posed the question I feel we were all thinking: Which of these two women would maker the better VP of the United States? Palin and her doppelganger, Fey, are so identical that choosing one for the White House is basically a wash. This is my opinion, anyway, but let's take a look at America's response:

Sarah Palin (43.5%)
Tina Fey (56.5%)

So there you have it! The people have spoken. Tina Fey would make a better Veep. Maybe it's the intellectual aura she gives off that has more than half of this great nation convinced. Or maybe it's the Sarah Palin glasses she wears during sketches. Either way it's moot. Just remember that if McCain wins this Tuesday, some of you who voted him in did so knowing full well his second in command plays second fiddle to Tina Fey.

**********************

I was tempted to conduct another politically-minded poll this week given the fact the Superest of all Tuesdays is upon us. Then I remembered most of you don't come here for all this political posturing, and that I'd essentially just be amusing myself. So, in its place enjoy this Halloween-themed poll. I happen to love this holiday. More so, I love horror movies. The question I pose to you is, what is the greatest horror movie franchise of all time? You've all seen these movies, and I know you have an opinion, so just vote. Or die. Vote or die...either or. Enjoy Halloween, bitches!

Friday Bad Ideas

2008-10-10T04:44:00.009-04:00

Is it Friday? I'm pretty sure it is, because It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia was on last night. Funniest show on tv, bar none (just saying). So yeah, I guess that makes it time for another installment of Friday Bad Ideas. Here goes...

That picture you see above is of me wearing my T.A.T.U. shirt. That's Teens Against Tobacco Use, not the Russian Lesbian pop music group. Clearly, I'm not a teen. I'm also not against tobacco use, what with my penchant for butt-smoking and all that (no homo). What I am for is irony. It's hilarious! For me, few everyday observances are more humorous than walking down the street and seeing some guy wearing a t-shirt that reads "Too smart to start too cool to smoke" while actually smoking a cigarette. That's just me.

Is this, in and of itself, a bad idea? Not at all. Not in my opinion. The middle-aged hoo-er walking with her toddler I encountered this afternoon felt otherwise. Here's a basic rundown of what transpired:

Me: (walking down street, smoking cigarette, minding own business)
Hoo-er: (directional stink eyes abound)
Me: (confused, unconcerned)
Hoo-er: "You know, you're sending the wrong message to children with that shirt."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Hoo-er: "That shirt, I'm not amused by it."
Me: "You're not amused by the message of the shirt, or the fact I'm smoking a cigarette?"
Hoo-er: "Both."
Me: "Are you sure? Because that's contradictory. How can you be simultaneously against someone smoking cigarettes and wearing an anti-smoking shirt?"
Hoo-er: "Because it's bad enough my child is subjected to second-hand smoke, let alone having to be subjected to this kind of wrong message about smoking."
Me: Your child can't read. What is she three years old?"
Hoo-er: "That's besides the point. You need to accept responsibility for your actions! Blah blah blah, yada yada yada, so on and so forth."
Me: (shakes head in disgust, decides to take high road and walk away)
Hoo-er: "That's right, walk away! We don't need people like you walking around on these streets!"

And that's pretty much it. The whole thing lasted less than thirty seconds, but the transfer of nerve from her person unto me was enough for a lifetime. The nerve! First off, I pride myself in always taking others viewpoints, feelings, and concerns into account; it has always been this way unless I'm drunk. So, arguably, it has always been this way roughly 45% of the time (I was sober at the point of this exchange). With that said, I always blow my smoke away from passerbys on the street and even go so far as to switch my cigarette from hand to hand and hold it out accordingly so as to keep it as far away from children as possible. I understand parents don't want it around their kids; I make it a point to oblige the general public above and beyond what is socially acceptable.

With all that said, fuck this lady. I think I've successfully demonstrated how much stock I put in the adherence to social mores. Did I deserve this?!? Shit, the vast majority of the population doesn't go nearly as out of there way for these people. Matter of fact, had I not been so respectful, I would have given this hoo-er one of my patented Drunk Capps-style what fors. I probably should have...shows what I get for being a good person.

At the end of the day, I am once again left with the feeling of shock and awe from yet another negative encounter in public. This is proof positive of two things: (1) There are several people, organized or not, out to get me, and (2) The end is nigh. I truly can't think of a better topic for an F.B.I. post. This hoo-er is a moron. Her reaction was a bad idea. I'll leave her deserved penance up to karma.

Weekly Poll Wednesdays...On Tuesday!!!!

2008-10-07T00:19:00.003-04:00

I've decided to get into this poll business even though it's technically Tuesday. Being the proprietor of this website, as well as the one struggling for survival, I figure I'm in the driver's seat here; deal with it. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? Two weeks ago I posed an important question that had been heatedly debated between me and my friend, Russ. If you were 60 years old, and currently unfulfilled, would you castrate yourself for one glorious night with a 19-year old perfect ten? Russ posed this question to me awhile back. He posits that 70% of applicable participants would vote yes. I found this to be an absurd proposition, guesstimating that less than 10% would be up for the getdown. Certainly, these are two extremely differing viewpoints. Lets take a look at the results and determine a winner.

Yes (14%)
No (86%)

It appears I'm the clear winner, though my guess of ten percent was a bit low. But come on, seventy percent? Let's get real! No self respecting person should agree to such terms. I don't care how perfect a "ten" this teenager is. Perhaps this would be a feasible opportunity for an octogenarian; I don't know, what with Viagra and all that. I cannot, however, sign off on someone as young as sixty committing to such a harrowing experience as castration for one night of sexual satisfaction. I mean, dayumn...sex isn't even that great! Is it?

************

I feel it necessary to return to the American political spectrum with this week'(s) poll. After all, we are embroiled in the "most important" election of our times. This week's question specifically concerns Sarah Palin. I'd like to know who would be the better VP, Sarah Palin or Tina Fey? For those of you not in the know, Ms. Fey, has put in three memorable performances in as many weeks as the potential second in command on Saturday Night Live. They're so close, in fact, that arguments could be made for either serving as this nation's Veep. For those of you not in the know, check out the video below to educate yourselves on the facts. Then make sure to vote in this poll, as the results will surely shape the future of both national and world history in the near future. Rock the vote or die, and all that.

Classy Stuff...And Hilarious!

2008-09-19T17:14:00.003-04:00

Warning: adult content. Props to Al for the find.

Disaster

2008-09-19T02:21:00.006-04:00

This post is solely in the interest of full disclosure. I've been doing my best not to drink for some time now. I was exercising this evening (I know, no homo); upon my return I made a decision not to purchase alcohol prior to the midnight deadline. This decision proved to be disastrous. By the time I was done watching the new season's premiere of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which is a supremely excellent show, I realized the mistake I'd made. I was wide awake and ready to drink. Try as I may, there was no reconciling my need for alcohol. I set upon my mission to buy the devil drink.

Much to my dismay, I arrived at the liquor store to realize it had been closed for eight minutes. Trips to nearby locations proved equally unfruitful. Dejected, I set about returning home. I had given up hope. But luckily, I passed a bar on my way back. Realizing this was my only opportunity to drink, I entered. There was but one seat open at the bar; I occupied it. What transpired from this point can only be described as drunken foolishness. I began with two shots of Jack and a G&T, followed with a beer and whiskey on rocks. After that was a scotch accompanied by a Redbull and vodka. After that is anybody's guess. I know I spent at least a couple of hours in there. One can only wonder the kind of fantasy that ensued. I know I applied for some sort of job. I also know I challenged the female bartender, in some convoluted effort to hit on her, to create a number of drinks to serve to me. I don't think her concoctions served me very well.

In short, I'm drunk and don't know what I'm talking about. Is this my fault? I'd like to think it's not, but who am I to judge? I'm no expert. I'm just a guy who took 90 minutes to type this abortion of a post. I'd feel sorry for myself, but you try having a drinking problem. That's what I thought...go fuck yourself. I knew you weren't better than me.

White People + Jesus = Not Gully

2008-09-18T01:27:00.000-04:00

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2008-09-17T03:39:00.010-04:00

That's right, it's the triumphant return of Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!! It's been a minute since my last post. I know y'all muhfuckas dug reading about the history of V.A.'s name as much as I enjoyed writing it. As gangster as that was, I think we all agree it's about time for another update. I was checking out the site and basically got tired of looking at the same poll for the last two months. With that said, allow me to introduce this new one; it's the best poll yet! First, though, let's recap the previous poll. On May 22nd I posed an important question, one that has quite a lot of bearing on today's news and political climate. What would you most like our next president to address upon taking office? There are several choices, and each one is a pressing issue -- both for this country and the world as a result. I deem all choices to be of the utmost importance.

Admittedly, I had much difficulty making my choices (I provided for up to three in this poll). Let's face it: regardless of one's political affiliation, all agree this country has been heading in the wrong direction for some time now. Every choice in this poll is important, to varying degrees, depending on preference. Choices ranged from international to domestic issues, diplomacy, economic policy, social accountability, and future concerns like global warming. Not surprisingly, there were no runaways, as each possible choice mostly received some attention. Let's take a look at the results:

Rising gas prices/Dependence on foreign oil (68.8%)
Health care (37.5%)
Economy (31.3%)
Education (31.3%)
Homeland Security (25%)
Exit Strategy (18.8%)
Global warming/Environmental concerns (18.8%)
National debt (18.8%)
International relations (12.5%)
Managing war effort (0%)

Interesting responses from you all. It's obvious why rising gas prices won easily, given how top of mind the issue is for those in our demographic, as well as how its effects are perhaps more direct and obvious than any of the other choices on this list. Domestic issues such as health care, education and the economy were of secondary importance, whereas international and military issues were an afterthought. None of you had interest in our next president successfully managing the war effort...proof enough for me we're all tired of the sad reality that's become of this war. Personally, I think your decisions here are shortsighted. The war is a short-term issue, but several long-term problems were overlooked. I've read extensively on the issue of global warming, and feel it has the potential to be the most volatile of all things mentioned in this poll. I also feel national debt was spurned for the sexier choice of economy, though our strategic shortfall of being in such heavy debt to China could prove fatal over the course of this century. International relations need to improve drastically, regardless of who takes office next November. Still, every one of these issues is problematic, so I can't fault you too much for your decisions. If you feel strongly about any of these things -- anything -- you must vote. Electoral college be damned! This is the hand we've been dealt. Flawed system or not...operate within it to facilitate change or keep your fucking mouth shut.

********************

This new poll arose from a heated disagreement I had with a friend of mine. He foolishly maintains that more than 70% of sexagenarian males would voluntarily cut their balls off for one night of ecstasy with a teenage perfect ten. I say it's less than 5%, though I'd like you to be the judge. Help us settle this before it devolves into a kerfuffle by voting early and often.

An incomplete list of dislikes

2008-08-28T11:04:00.003-04:00

ketchup
wet sand
open-toed shoes
Ohio
Texas
Boston
Boston Red Sox
reaching my hand inside a bag of spare ribs
pizza oil dripping onto my chin
new video games
Raisinets
Jolleen
programming on MTV
too much responsibility
work
humidity
packed subways
Alistair
jocks and jockettes
stupid people

How my friend V.A. got her name

2008-08-15T01:58:00.004-04:00

The first thing you have to understand is my friend V.A.'s parents were huge Crocodile Dundee fans. I mean gigantic. They saw that shit in 1986 and fell in love. They not only fell in love with Paul Hogan (who couldn't?), they not only fell in love with pulling huge knives on muhfuckas ("That's not a knoife, this is a knoife!), those two crazy kids fell in love with the female lead of the movie. You see, Linda Kozlowski achieved her breakout role in '86. Sure, she'd been in some television roles, but never before had the silver screen bore witness to such...perfection. V.A.'s parents saw this; their lives were changed forever.

I'm sure you're wondering where I'm going with this. Just relax. Here's the deal in a nutshell: Crocodile Dundee slew the competition in '86 and '88. Linda Kozlowski followed this up with an unforgettable turn in Almost An Angel in 1990. V.A.'s parents were definitely hooked by this point. It was around that time they read some insider information stating Ms. Kozlowski would be starring in a new detective drama titled V.I. Warshawski.

Now, of course V.A. already had a name; it was Virginia Allen. She had no form of abbreviation at this time. Once her family learned of Linda Kozlowski's next starring role, however, - the one that would propel her to super-stardom - they decided to make a drastic change. In the fall of 1990, Virginia Allen became V.I., her name being altered to mirror the greatest movie character in cinema history.

By the time V.I. Warshawski debuted in the spring of 1991, V.A.'s parents were distressed to learn Kathleen Turner had replaced Linda Kozlowski in the starring role. By this point, the family had gotten used to calling the ten year-old by her new abbreviated moniker. It was difficult for them to return to their old ways, but still it made little sense calling their daughter V.I. when the beloved Kozlowski had abandoned the role. It was at this point the name V.A. was born.

Much has been made of this story, its details referred to fondly though the main character prefers details remain hidden. Admittedly, I had some trepidation revealing it. I felt it necessary to respect the wishes of those most closely involved, but ultimately decided a greater purpose would be served by sharing it. It is quite the story, correct? I can't help but wonder how differently things might have gone. What if there was no Crocodile Dundee? What if they hadn't grown so attached? What if Kathleen Turner had signed on for this most famous role from the beginning? My friend could very well have been renamed Kathleen. We'd be calling her Koose. So many questions...one can only ponder.

The meaning of dreams

2008-08-03T04:59:00.002-04:00

Psychology interests me. I disagree with people who dismiss the usefulness of this science, for the ability to understand and utilize it has real-world application in nearly every facet of our everyday activities. Like right now, for instance. It's 5am and clearly I'm drunk. Anyone who knows me could surmise that much. It's interesting how the correlation between my frequency of posts and frequency of drinking (or lack thereof) goes hand in hand. It's been fairly well publicized, in both my personal encounters and on this blog, how I've decided to "turn over a new leaf" and stop drinking. For an undetermined amount of time anyway. Well, many of you scoffed --and rightfully so. The fact of the matter is I've done quite well in these past six weeks...only been drunk four times including tonight. Note the time frame of my sobriety and compare that to my hiatus between blog posts. Psychology. Is it much of a wonder that now's the time I choose to get my thoughts out via les internets?

Anyway, the genesis of this post comes from a dream I had last night. First off, I've been dreaming a lot lately. Or rather, remembering a greater percentage of my dreams. This is abnormal for me. In this particular window into my REM-self, I was standing at a urinal, peeing. Everything seemed normal initially. I whipped it out and began to go. Only, I had no control over the direction or force over which my urine stream projected. Piss was flying every which way: both in and out of the urinal, on the wall, on me. Not only that, but my penis was huge, like a fire hose. Typing this out right now and reading it back, I'm not sure I'm conveying how surreal this picture truly was.

I must have woken up shortly after the dream, or else I would not have been able to remember it (All of us dream on a consistent basis. We have no recollection of the vast majority of these images. It's only the few we wake up shortly afterwards that get committed to memory.) I recall feeling out of place -- or uncomfortable, more like it -- because I had this indefinable empty feeling. I think I fell back asleep relatively quickly, but the ordeal was still with me when i woke up the next morning (read: afternoon). What did it mean? Was it nothing? Or something? I had so many questions. Like I said, psychology interests me.

After having time to reflect and gather my thoughts, I think this dream represents my subconscious fear that I am not in control of my own life. Perhaps my generous peepee size is a metaphor for the scope of my situation, or life in general. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Who knows? The point is that dreams truly are a window into our innermost thoughts. It pays to pay attention. Psychologically speaking, I believe dreams are a way for our subconscious selves to communicate with our consciousness. If you don't pay attention, chances are you'll be at a loss. Not to say I'm not losing on a daily basis. Just saying...

Ah, fuck it. What do you think. Let a brotha know. If anyone still reads this blog, that is...

Darth Vader doing the Thriller dance

2008-06-18T00:33:00.001-04:00

This is the type of dancing Raz and VA could agree on if they ever got married.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Random Related Realization

2008-06-16T05:28:00.002-04:00

I kinda feel like most people nowadays have taken Madonna for granted. She's over-saturated and old as dirt. She married Guy Ritchie, immediately ruined his ability to make awesome British gangster flicks, and mysteriously developed an overnight British accent of her own. She "found" Kabbalah and managed to turn it into a trendy Hollywood religion. Yet, take a look at this SNL clip from 1991. Madonna was smokin hot!!! Next time some old geezer corners you with some story about how things were better in the good ol' days when he walked to school in two feet of snow, uphill both ways, and you young whippersnappers have no sense of history or reality, heed his words and remember that fake stupid old bitches were once gorgeous centers of the universe. Also, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey are comic geniuses. Enjoy.

Indubitable Datum

2008-06-16T04:00:00.001-04:00

Kristen Wiig is the hottest cast member in the thirty-four year history of Saturday Night Live. Count it.

Hello Again, and, The End of an Era

2008-06-16T02:28:00.002-04:00

Hi there. It's been more than three weeks since my last post. I was in Italy with some fam for the first two weeks of that hiatus. The trip was pretty awesome, as I'm sure you'd imagine. We stayed in a Tuscan villa on top of a secluded mountain outside of Arezzo. There were day trips, good food and lots of great wine. It was definitely an experience. I got back last Saturday, the 7th, but haven't bothered to post anything on this site for various reasons. Chief among them is the fact I've been piss drunk most of the time.

I know what you're thinking. What else is new, right? I do this type of shit all the time. That's true, you're right. It goes deeper than that though. You see, I've been languishing in this rut of mine for some time now. In fact, I can't remember a single completely sober day I've had in more than a month, and I've been doing this shit for years. That got me thinking about things, which led me to an important decision: I'm giving up drinking.

Go ahead and laugh. I'd probably be doing the same were it not for the fact this is my life we're talking about here (Jameson check: "It's my life!!!"). So by the time my trip was nearing it's end I realized I needed to make a change. I came home and have been on a mission to rid my home of all its alcoholic remnants. One straight week at near breakneck pace and my mission is nearing its end. All the beer is gone. The wine has long since vanished. And of all the bottles of liquor I've managed to accumulate through various means, all that's left is this fucking bottle of tequila blanco I'm drinking now.

It's after 2am early Monday morning and the bottle is about 40% full. Ironically, after all this I don't even want to be drinking right now. Normally, I'd just give up. I abandon goals for myself all the time. But that's exactly the problem with being a drunk -- I've lost my drive. So for just this once I'm going to follow through. Once this bottle is finished, a new me begins. Hopefully with my head on straight I can move forward with my life, you know, like a normal person.

So again, go ahead and laugh. I want you to tell me I can't do it. I think maybe I need to hear that in order to keep my promise to myself, at least at first anyway. If there's one thing I'm sure about myself, it's that spite drives me. I will prove you all wrong. Day One of sobriety begins tomorrow. I'm not saying it'll last forever, but it will be for a significant period of time. It's the end of an era. The time for change is now. Cheers.

Post Script: I just read through this post and felt the need to apologize for its somber tone. I realize that's not what people come here for, providing I still have any readers after leaving you high and dry for the better part of a month. Fuck that though. If you aren't entertained by something just ignore it. No one's putting a gun to your head, unless you live in a third-world country in South America. Then it's likely someone is actually putting a gun to your head. It's probably those bitches who own Cafecitos Pub. Regardless, things are bound to return to normal pretty soon. Though, I will have to teach myself how to do things like blogging sober. So keep coming back. We can make it happen!

Post Post Script: Two nights after winning a few hundred bucks due to Kobe Bryant's lack of three-point shooting prowess, I lost a few hundred bucks tonight because of Sasha Vujacic's lack of three-point shooting prowess. God damnit, Vujacic. All I needed was for you to score eight measly points tonight. Instead, you go 2-10 from the field including 0-5 from beyond the arc. Jesus Christ, someone needs to tell this guy having a shooting touch is a requisite for white guys in the NBA. Fuck me. And you wonder why I drink.

Programming Note

2008-05-23T15:24:00.004-04:00

That's it for me kids, for two weeks anyway. I'll try to post something from Italy but I'm making no promises. The pic above has nothing to do with anything, I just find it hilarious. Check out the post below as well as the bunch of other shit I put up these last two days. See ya!

Summer Music Festivals

2008-05-23T14:46:00.003-04:00

Rock The Bells - Jones Beach Theater, NY Sun. 8/3
Click the picture above. Can you fucking believe this lineup?!? I went last year and had the time of my life. Only problem this year is its not general admission. So anyone who wants to go, we'd have to buy tickets together. I get back from Italy on 6/7. Let's buy tickets after that. Anyone from out of twon who wants to go, you have a free place to stay. Let's make this happen.

http://www.guerillaunion.com/rockthebells/

All Points West - Liberty State Park, Jersey City Fri-Sun. 8/8-8/10
This festival is literally one mile from where I live. Again, come on out and you can crash at my place. It's three days, but you can buy one day passes. Check out the lineup below...pretty sick.

http://www.apwfestival.com/event/lineup

Virgin Festival Toronto - Sat-Sun. 9/6-9/7
Foo Fighters headline Saturday and Oasis headlines Sunday. I already bought my ticket for this. I'm so friggin excited I can't take it!

http://www.virginfestival.ca/toronto/

These are the three I'm interested in, but I'm sure there are tons more. What do you people want to see? School me. Also, get in touch about these ones too. Don't make excuses...life's too short to complain about trivial shit like money.

Lefting the ship?

2008-05-23T10:42:00.003-04:00

It's a little after 10:30am and I just woke up. All the lights are on and my itunes is going on repeat. I've shaken off the cobwebs and have now realized I failed to make good on my promise. Apparently, it's tough to be responsible and all that after downing a bottle of scotch. I was really looking forward to seeing what's in the furthest recesses of my mind. Oh well, another time I suppose. The worst part of all this is I just found my glass from last night. It's a third of the way full. I didn't even officially finish the bottle. Fucking sissy.

Post Script: Congratulations Raz on all your accomplishments. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. It's a slippery slope, trust me.

Righting the ship

2008-05-22T18:56:00.003-04:00

A while back one of my polls asked readers to choose what you wanted from this site. Out of all the choices, drunken rant won easily. In typical fashion, I ignored my responsibility. This has been my modus operandi for too long. It's time to right this ship! With that said, I've decided tonight is the night to make good on my promise. I've been drinking scotch since 3:45pm EST. Once I finish the bottle, it's off to work I go. There's no set idea for the post; I'll be flying by the seat of my pants. So look out for that later on tonight or tomorrow morning, and here's to hoping I can get my goddamn act together. Cheers.

Bi-Monthly Poll Thursdays!!!

2008-05-22T17:10:00.006-04:00

The new poll is supposed to go up on Wednesdays. Yes, I'm aware. I haven't really been able to post as often as I'd like due to some unforeseen life snafus. Deal with it. Anyway, this poll is going to last two weeks because I'm going to Italy for two weeks, effective tomorrow night, and won't be able to update the site. For this reason, I've selected an extremely thought-provoking topic and thrown in some curveballs for good measure. More on that later.

Very interesting poll this past week. What would happen if we put several of the world's most contentious leaders in the ring at the same time and let them duke it out? Global conflict should be this easy, shouldn't it? The results:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (10%)
George W. Bush (50%)
Hugo Chavez (35%)
Kim Jong Il (5%)

Some of you expressed trepidation over Bush's victory. Perhaps favoritism is at play? Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez appears to be the worthiest of adversaries. A lot of you felt he would emerge victorious, likely in the the school of thought that Hispanics are wily, and fight dirty. Alas, tis not the case. I cannot tell you why Bush won, only that he did. Our fearless leader, for those of us lucky enough to live in America, prevailed in a close decision. For what it's worth, I agree with the outcome. Many of you are anti-Bush, and it's understandable. However, you should be cautioned before siding against him in a battle royale. Say what you want about Bush politically, but physically he is the most fit president this country's ever had. He is getting older now, but no older than his competition. Plus he's from Texas. I believe W would be the last man standing.

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I have a tough one for you guys this week. What would you most like our next president to address upon taking office? There are several choices, and each one is a pressing issue -- both for this country and the world as a result. I deem all choices to be of the utmost importance. Selecting one over another will be a difficult task. Luckily, that's where my curveball comes in. For this poll, you can choose up to 3 responses. This is going to take a lot of thought on your part, but fortunately you have two weeks to decide. Think long and hard. And remember, one person CAN make a difference. Let your voices be heard!

How 'bout some intellectual substance, for a change?

2008-05-22T15:37:00.005-04:00

Roles of Africans in the Exploitation of the Americas

Slavery has been a key facet in the development of almost every major civilization since history has been recorded. Though it has not necessarily conformed to today’s views of what slavery is, it was around in various forms during the empires of antiquity, and throughout each century since. With the discovery of the New World in the fifteenth century came the needed manpower to facilitate the economies of these newly formed European colonies. For many reasons, this burden fell upon Africans. Slavery, however, is certainly not the only role played by Africans in the exploitation of the Americas. In researching this topic in both readings and from lectures, it is evident that the role of Africans can be broken down into four sections: slavery being the obvious primary role, followed by three secondary roles. These are as auxiliary slaves, black conquistadors, and the integral role played by Africans in the colonial wars of the period. Each of the four will be discussed separately, and also in an interrelated fashion.

When it became evident that the imperial powers in the New World needed manpower to work on their plantations, Africa was not the first place Europeans looked. The initial choice was to simply enslave the currently existing natives and put them to work. It was quickly found that slaves would have to come from elsewhere. Native Amerindians were highly susceptible to European diseases, especially smallpox. Between these diseases and casualties resulting from the conquests necessary for their suppression, soon there were not enough natives to sustain efficient running of the plantations. Depopulation amongst natives was so rapid that “seventy five percent were gone within one hundred fifty years of the European invasion” (Dyreson).

The first attempt at an alternative was to use white Europeans. These were often the destitute of society, including convicts and the poor. The manpower problem still remained unsolved, however, when Europeans quickly found that their own kind could not withstand the hot, sticky climate of South America and the Caribbean. The imperial powers of Europe hit a goldmine of labor force when they began to export Africans into the newly formed colonies. “Africans proved to be admirable workers, strong enough to survive the heat and hard work on sugar, coffee, or cotton plantations or in mines, in building fortresses or merely acting as servants; and, at the same time, they were good-natured and usually docile” (Thomas). And what further strengthened the slave trade was the willingness of the strong, Muslim West African kingdoms to capture and sell the much weaker West-Central Africans to the Europeans. Without having to worry about capturing their own slaves, Europeans could now concentrate all their efforts on the growth and prosperity of their American colonies. This is exemplified in the fact that “Europeans didn’t colonize Africa until before the nineteenth century, or participate in the internal slave trade; only two to three percent of slaves were captured by Europeans” (Frederick).

What became known as the “Middle Passage,” or the slave route taken by ships passing between Africa and the Americas, was a treacherous journey to say the least. Newly enslaved Africans were subjected to some of the most inhuman conditions possible while aboard the ships. Many died as a result. The estimated twelve million that survived the journey were sent off all throughout the New World. While many were sent to work on British (and later American) plantations in Virginia, Georgia and the Carolinas, these slaves were but a small minority of the African slave population. “Brazil alone took thirty eight percent of the slaves, the Caribbean Islands forty percent. Saint Domingue (the French name for Española) received twice as many African slaves as the thirteen colonies and later the United States” (Crosby). Once they had arrived at their final destinations, most slaves were put to work in the fields or in mines. “Most of the great enterprises of the first four hundred years of colonization owed much to African slaves: sugar in Brazil and later the Caribbean; rice and indigo in South Carolina and Virginia; gold in Brazil and, to a lesser extent, silver in Mexico; cotton in the Guianas and later in North America; cocoa in what is now Venezuela; and above all, in clearing of land ready for agriculture” (Thomas). The only thing Mr. Thomas seems to have left out in his breakdown of the African slaves’ contribution is an important one: tobacco, which would weigh heavily on both the European and world markets and later play a major role in the United States Civil War.

Although slavery was the primary role of Africans of the time period, it was not the only role. Spaniards were the first to bring slaves to the Americas. They “ran few plantations compared to other European colonies, so most Spanish American slaves were auxiliaries in skilled intensive, or permanent tasks” (Frederick). These auxiliary slaves certainly do not fit the popular billing of what slaves were. They were not treated in the same way, nor did they necessarily perform the same tasks as traditional slaves of the British colonies. For this reason, a distinction is made and a second role of Africans in the Americas is formed. Culturally speaking, these auxiliary slaves were much different from the West Central Africans who were plucked from their villages and sold into bondage. Many of them had already been acculturated to European ways. They were “more likely to be already Christian. Many were ‘Hispanized’ and could even be from Europe.” Unlike the non-auxiliary slaves, “most were urban slaves; by 1750, ten to twenty five percent of the population in Spanish cities were black” (Frederick). Due to these cultural differences from the stereotypical Africans, Spanish auxiliary slaves were able to enjoy a greater sense of freedom than did their counterparts. For instance, “they formed their own religious brotherhoods, guilds, and social organizations.” There were even some rural African communities” in the colonies (Frederick).

Along with the cultural differences of auxiliary slaves came differences in terms of how they were treated as it pertained to the law. Spanish law stated that a slave must be allowed to set a fair price for his own freedom. A slave could go to his owner and bargain for his freedom. In essence, the agreed-upon amount between a slave and owner would be the amount owed to the owner for the slave to buy himself. The existence of this Spanish law made room for a third role of Africans in the Americas: the black conquistador. Many auxiliaries gained “probanzas” from their masters; literally Spanish for “proofs.” These were papers proving that the person holding them were not runaway slaves, but in fact still owned by the issuer. They were given out so that the auxiliaries could safely go out and serve as soldiers in the conquests.

Being a conquistador was risky business. They were thrust into many dangerous situations conquering lands and peoples in the name of the Crown. For black slaves and free whites alike, the opportunity to get rich was attractive enough to place their lives on the line. So, in this way, black conquistadors were able to buy their freedom. “Under the Spanish and Portuguese crowns, at least, the descendants of free Blacks enjoyed equality with Whites before the law” (Fernández-Armesto). Though it is not popular to hear of black conquistadors buying their freedom and making a name for themselves, there were at least a few noteworthy examples. “Juan Valiente was a black conquistador who bought his freedom and gained an encomienda”, which was a land grant given from the Spanish crown for fighting and increasing Spanish territories to start a plantation (Frederick). He moved to Chile in 1540 after receiving it. Juan Garrido was another noteworthy conquistador. “This conquistador-companion of (Hernando) Cortés had seen Tenochtitlán submit, made an expedition to California, and was custodian for his fellow-citizens of the aqueduct of Chapultepec which supplied Mexico City with water (Fernández-Armesto). It was great men like these who inspired many slaves to become conquistadors in an attempt to buy their own freedom.

The fourth and final role played by Africans was the colonial wars of the Americas they took part in. Aside from the black conquistadors who had fought natives in the name of the imperial powers that owned them, many Africans played major roles in colonial wars against other imperial powers as well as in colonial uprisings and revolutions against their own mother country. Many served, for instance, in “Brazil’s War of Divine Liberty against Dutch invaders from 1644 to 1654” (Fernández-Armesto). In addition, the revolutions and upheavals they took part in changed the face of the colonial Americas.

The Haitian Revolution represents the most thorough case study of revolutionary change anywhere in the history of the modern world. In ten years of sustained internal and international warfare, a colony populated predominantly by plantation slaves overthrew both its colonial status and its economic system and established a new political state of entirely free individuals – with some ex-slaves constituting the new political authority. The impact of the Haitian Revolution was both immediate and widespread (Knight).
The impact was so widespread that an argument can be made that the Haitian Revolution sparked the beginning of the end for all imperial powers in the New World.

There can be no qualms as to the importance of the roles Africans played in the Americas. There is ample proof that they were not simply slaves, but auxiliary skilled servants, conquistadors, and soldiers at war. At the dawn of the colonial era, history saw European imperial powers taking shape and forming new ties on a global scale. “However strong the pioneer spirit in the metropolitan bases of early-modern empires, the home countries were insufficiently well populated to supply the labour needs of their colonies themselves.” As a result, “slaves became essential to the sustaining of colonial enterprise…” (Fernández-Armesto). Even though this is an extremely pertinent quote, instead it should read “Africans became essential,” for their various roles played in the exploitation of the Americas shaped the western hemisphere, culture, and history as we know it.

Works Cited

Frederick, Jake. History 11 lectures. Penn State University. February 27, 2002 and March 11, 2002.
Dyreson, JoDee. History 2 lecture. Penn State University. January 10, 2002.
Thomas, Hugh. “The Transatlantic Slave Trade.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 146-48.
Crosby, Alfred W. “Infectious Disease and the Demography of the Atlantic Peoples.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 174-74.
Fernández-Armesto, Felipe. “Africans, the Involuntary Colonists.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 185, 190.
Knight, Franklin W. “The Haitian Revolution.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 227, 233.

Jay-Z: Friend Or Foe '98

2008-05-22T11:26:00.002-04:00

I know, updates have been lackluster this past week. Suffice to say I've been going through some shit and let's leave it at that. Lots more coming in the next day, I promise.

In the meantime, enjoy this little-seen video from Jigga and Preemo. This marks the 10 year anniversary of this album. Listening to it, I can't help but wonder how the game would've changed had Hov and DJ Premier collaborated more often. Enjoy, and check back late tonight/tomorrow morning for several new posts.

Lil Showstoppa

2008-05-16T20:06:00.000-04:00

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

2008-05-14T08:58:00.003-04:00

Last week's poll was probably the most interesting since I started doing them back in March. There's always a lot of divisiveness when it comes to the subject of religion, and asking people to choose which is the most destructive is no exception. I wanted to leave things open-ended, so each person could reach their own conclusions as to what "destructive" means in this case. The results were nothing short of amazing:

Christianity (61.5%)
Islam (0%)
Judaism (0%)
Atheism (38.5%)

One would think things might have played out a bit differently, given today's geopolitical climate, the war on terror, etc. Yet, there was not one single vote for Islam as the most destructive religion. Nor did Judaism get any love from voters. Perhaps people have underestimated the power Jews wield through their ability to control the media in this country, as well as the United States' suspect allegiance to Israel. No matter, this poll became a two horse race with results knotted at 50-50 for most of the week. I believe those people that selected Atheism simply disagree with saying anything bad about religion in general. But that's just me. In the end, people pointed to the 2000+ years of tyranny, murder, and overall shadiness from our good friends at the Vatican, and rightfully selected Christianity as the most destructive religion. Once, again, that's just my opinion. If I am wrong, let god striketh me down! I'm never wrong though, so I'm not a whole lot worried.

One last thing relating to this subject: One of the very best books I have ever read is god Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens. You may have heard of this; it made waves last year when it came out and has spent quite a bit of time on best seller lists. Hitchens does not come off as preachy at all, which I love. He attacks his targets from all angles using sharp and witty anecdotes, facts, and stories about all the bad religion has done in the world. He devotes time and space to all religions, not just the large ones. I can't say enough about this book. It is truly the most interesting one I've ever read. And best of all, Hitchens respects those who choose to believe, as I do. He simply states his case for his own beliefs. You don't have to be an atheist to read or enjoy it.

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From religion to politics. Let's continue in the same vein of poll questions with substance. There's a lot going on in the world; you may have noticed. Us Americans have lots of beef, and lots of people around the world hate us. Shit is going down, man! The world is devolving into one big cluster fuck, and the powers that be across the globe seem to want nothing more than to fuel the fire. Another book I'm reading right now is called Apocalypse 2012, by Lawrence E. Joseph. It illustrates the belief prophesied in several ancient scripture from around the world that the Apocalypse is coming on December 21, 2012. It's important to note that this does not necessarily mean apocalyptic destruction, in a literal sense. It could, but more accurately it is the belief that on that day, the world will take a sudden and meaningful turn. For better or worse, who knows, but all the shit going on right now politically could certainly have something to do with it. If "it" actually happens, that is.

No matter what you believe, you have to admit that odds are good multiple nations will enter into battle at some point soon. And let's face it, most of us don't want that. I know I don't, so here's my proposal. Rather than spending billions of dollars none of us really have to send millions of young men and women to die, let our leaders duke it out themselves in a battle royale...last man standing gets to enact the global policy he would put in place upon victory in war! Here are your participants: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, U.S. President George W. Bush, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. All four men are in the ring at the same time. Last man standing wins. Sounds simple, right? Go ahead and vote then, since this'll obviously never happen in real life. It should though, god damnit. It should.

This day will live in infamy

2008-05-10T13:44:00.009-04:00

That's right. The graphic you're viewing is from none other than 1993's Tecmo Super Bowl -- the greatest video game ever created. And it's real. I, as the Buffalo Bills, did defeat the Cincinnati Bengals 105-0. Thurman Thomas did rumble over those motherfuckers for an unprecedented 938 rushing yards. The amazing thing is I did it on just 30 carries, an astounding 31.26 yards per attempt! Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. Believe me, I'm no stranger to the Tecmo haters. Fortunately, I have a witness in one Mr. J. Beau Razler who can confirm the whole thing. There's no doctoring of photos going on here.

Lots of you enjoyed boasting of your Tecmo prowess. Some even went so far as to claim superiority over yours truly. Fiddlesticks! I have never been defeated in a fully-sanctioned match. Furthermore, I'll suffer no arguments against my use of the Bills in this particular instance. I was utilizing Thurman's skills to exploit Cincy's porous D in order to secure the all-time rushing record. Mission accomplished, bitches. Front if you want to, but you fruits know you could never accomplish such a feat. In fact, I welcome you to try. Here is my halftime stats from that game, for posterity's sake. Click the pictures for a better view of excellence. Gentlemen, it's all right if these graphics excite you in the pants region. It doesn't make you gay*. You're just recognizing my stupendous accomplishment and realizing a Tecmo player with this caliber of skill comes along maybe once a generation. Embrace it. Cherish it. This day will live in infamy!

* - Not that you're not gay. I'm not trying to say that. You definitely are gay, just that the feeling my Tecmo skills give you in your pants region is not what makes you gay. Understand? Okay.

A chance at love

2008-05-10T13:32:00.004-04:00

Do you live in Philadelphia? Are you lonely? Perhaps you haven't gotten laid in a minute. Don't fret, there are always ulterior methods to finding love. View this Craigslist post for instance. This gentleman offers companionship, romance, model trains and...imitation crab meat! For many of us, love is a fleeting thing. Its prospect is to be cherished, not trifled with. If you fit the aforementioned description you must take this man up on his offer. I implore you.

Motherfucking Jackpot!

2008-05-08T07:19:00.005-04:00

Have you ever been sitting and watching a movie, and thought to yourself how hot the chick on screen is, and wouldn't it be great if she did porn? Don't front, you know you have. Well, I just got finished watching District B13, a rather gully French action flick. I was having those thoughts about the young French chick the entire time, so I went to IMDB to find out who she was. Turns out the actress' name is Dany Verissimo. She hasn't done much by way of real films, but thanks to my fellow pervs in the IMDB message boards, I found out she had a 16-month stint as a pornstar when she was 18! Her porn name is Ally Mac Tyana, apparently in homage to Ally McBeal (I don't know either). How awesome is that, though!?! I mean, you'd never stumble on such a fortuitous happening with an American actress. To quote my boy Orson Welles, "Muahaaaaa, the French!" Ok, that's all. I'm going to go do some more research now.

The Empire Strikes Barack

2008-05-08T00:23:00.002-04:00

Here's one more video for the day, even though it's technically Thursday already. Thanks to Joey from Straight Bangin' for the find.

Ignant Bitch on Subway

2008-05-07T18:22:00.001-04:00

Video comes courtesy of our friends at http://metallungies.com/

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

2008-05-07T00:49:00.002-04:00

The name of the game this week has been silly exclamations. I'm quite fond of them. If you're not, you're stupid. There are many of them, but I only listed four. here's the results:

By the hammer of Thor! (33.3%)
Sweet baby James! (0%)
Great Caesar's ghost! (50%)
Jumpin' Jehosaphat! (16.7%)

By the hammer of Thor! is my personal favorite. Matter of fact, I used to proclaim it rather loudly from my desk while in the office, back when being in an office was something I did. Few people "got" my humor, but I didn't care. Most of those people are already dead and they just don't know it yet. Anyway, a solid number of you disagreed with me. I suspect the reason Great Caesar's ghost! did so well here is because it is the exclamation heard most often amongst the choices in this poll. That's pretty lame. Let's start thinking outside the box, here. Jesus!

The wildcard from last week's WPW installment was the contest to find the best silly exclamation not included in the poll. It was quite a chore sifting through hundreds of responses. Sheesh! After much deliberation, Mister Shambles a.k.a. Shampton is the big winner. The winning exclamation is Heavens to Murgatroid!...fantastic work, Shampton. Let's all give him a round of applause! I told you the winner would get a prize. I have to admit, there is no prize. There never was. Chalk it up to a lesson learned: you can't believe everything you read on les internets. I suppose, in retrospect, that this gem of knowledge is your prize. Cherish it forever.

******************

I think we need to switch things up a bit with this week's question. There's been a string of meaningless polls lately. I'd like to get serious with y'all, if I can. This week we're striving for a consensus on the most destructive religion. Is it Christianity? Islam? Judaism? Are nonbelievers more dangerous than those of faith? Also, how does one define "destructive"? Are we looking at things in terms of body count or how a particular religion shaped its peoples' culture and times? Are recent or historical events weighed more heavily? There are so many questions! I'm not answering them for you, either; this is left open-ended on purpose. Go ahead and vote. Let's start a discussion in the comment thread as well. Also, if you're a religious fanatic and are thinking of killing me, please don't. Thank you.

Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab

2008-05-04T05:51:00.004-04:00

Most of you are no doubt familiar with numerous international hammer games, namely Colombian Hammer Toss and Venezuelan Hammer Catch. If you are not, I strongly suggest you familiarize yourself with them. After all, there is such a thing as culture outside the confines of the United States. Try branching out, for Christ's sake. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce to you another South American pastime. Luckily for us, we have one of their own to explain this game to us.

Editor's note: The following article was written by Alistair, our Southern Hemisphere Blaxploitation Bureau Chief, exclusively for this website.

Rules of Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab:

The two participants stand approximately 8 meters away from each other. The older participant always starts with the hammer. After the traditional opening ceremony of downing a litre of Rossi in 5 minutes, the participants disrobe and take their positions.

The Hammer Catcher leans forward and grabs his/her ankles. The Hammer Wielder takes aim and attempts to lodge the hammer between the ass cheeks of the Hammer Catcher. If the Hammer Catcher falls over or attempts to get out of the way, they are penalized 5 hammer strokes to the kneecap. The process is repeated, changing positions after each throw, until one of the participants reaches 100 points.

Scoring:

1 point: hitting ass crack, no lodge
5 points: lodging handle of hammer in ass crack
10 points: lodging hammer end in ass crack
15 points: lodging claw end in ass crack
50 points: hammer end is embedded in anal cavity
100 points -- Golden ticket: claw end is embedded in anal cavity. Automatic win.

There you have it, folks. Feel free to play at home

Friday Bad Ideas

2008-05-02T12:24:00.005-04:00

Friday Bad Ideas: blackout drunk with your mother. It was my birthday yesterday. I went to see my mom (festivities amongst people my own age are on Saturday; I'm not a loser, I swear). We went to dinner and I slept over. Drunken debauchery began early. At dinner, we drank bloody mary's, a bottle of wine, and Sambuca with dessert. Upon our return, I proceeded to polish off two bottles of wine by myself as we watched movies together. Things began to unravel after Nightmare Detective and several episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Quick aside: Nightmare Detective was muy horrible. Like, flabbergastingly horrible. It's a Japanese thriller my mom was interested in seeing. The title alone should have clued us in to the shit show we were about to witness. I wish I could have seen my face as I sat in abject horror for two hours straight for all the wrong reasons. I won't even do this abortion justice by explaining it any further.

Anyway, let's get back to my quest to drink away the pain (relax, Dara). I moved onto whiskey after the wine was finished. I should have realized a move like this would spell disaster, and bring about a swift end to my night. I mean, usually ending one's night with lots of whiskey after a long night of drinking several other types of alcohol has this effect, right? Unfortunately, I was too drunk to notice. It was right around this point when my memory begins to fail me. Luckily for you fruits my mother was awake and sober enough to bear witness. Idiocy includes but is not limited to:

cooking a steak at 5:30am
blasting Bastard Sons
showing my mother this website
fierce air guitaring
forcing my mom to look up 24-hour diners on the internet
inviting my mother to Toronto to see a concert with my friends

The best part about all this is when I woke up this morning on the couch I got up and went to the fridge, and upon noticing my steak was missing, accused my mother of eating it. You should have seen the look on her face. I don't remember any of this. I thank my lucky stars, though, that my mom is cool as shit and has a sense of humor. I'm 27 years old...can you believe it? So yeah, getting blackout drunk in front of your mother? Bad idea.

It's my birthday (Yaaaaaaayyy!!!)

2008-05-01T00:09:00.004-04:00

That's right, the day is upon us. This picture of me frantically masturbating to a Hannah Montana birthday card effectively sums up how excited I am for this weekend. Many of you were certain I wouldn't make it another year. Well, thanks for the motivation. As per usual, spite gets me through. I'll be celebrating in Hoboken this weekend. Anyone who wants to come through on Saturday night is more than welcome to do so. Keep it gangster, kids.

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

2008-04-30T19:11:00.004-04:00

There was some controversy surrounding this week's voting. As I'm sure many of you have noticed, the total amount of votes add up to more than 100%! I'm not sure how this happened, but I have two hypotheses:

The geeks at Vizu who run these polls were so excited over its content that they allowed free reign over voting, leading to the surplus in percentages.
The geeks at Vizu who run these polls were so enraged over its content that they purposefully skewed the voting, so as to devalue the validity of the results.

Either way you look at it, there must have been a shiteload of respondents because the final results add up to 136.4%. I am not surprised by the results, however, given the age and demographic of this site's readers. World of Warcraft is "in" right now, whereas Star Trek was definitely more popular amongst the previous two generations. I think all three sets of fanboys have some major issues they need to address. By the way, I can say these things because I'm no fan of any of this crap. Here are the results:

Star Trek (27.3%)
Dungeons & Dragons (45.5%)
World of Warcraft (63.6%)

**********************************

The new poll is up. It concerns silly exclamations, of which I am quite fond. Sometimes you're in a situation that calls for an abrupt conversation, but can't curse(only honkies "cuss"). What do you say? These four choices were the first that came to mind, but I'm sure there are many others. Which one is your favorite? Vote in the poll and leave some of your other favorite exclamations in the comments. I will pick my favorite among the ones in the comments section next Wednesday. The winner will get a prize!

Anti-Monday Morning Asshole

2008-04-28T07:41:00.002-04:00

Believe it or not, I didn't run into any assholes this week. I know, I can't believe it either. There were a bunch of terrible jocks at this ridiculous bar I went to on Saturday night, but I didn't have any run-ins so all is good. One quick side note: a friend of mine coined a new term, jockfoolery. It's the combination of jocularity and tomfoolery, and describes the behavior of most male patrons of this bar I was at the other night. I think it's fantastic. Plus it rhymes with Chuck Woolery, which is always good. Corleone will probably work that into one of his songs at some point. Anyway, since there were no assholes this week, enjoy this video in its place. It comes courtesy of Jim, a regular contributor here at Can I Live?

Amazing

2008-04-27T05:42:00.005-04:00

I love these new internet trends. There truly is no stopping the illlegal downloading of music. I bore witness to this fact in 2000, while at Penn State, when Napster and a T3 connection made it possible to download hundreds of songs a night. The Golden Age, huh? Not so fast. While there have been various teasers in the wake of Napster's downfall, nothing since has been able to duplicate the raw duplicity of those times. Until now. The newest flavor of the week on les internets is personal blogs offering "promotional" material available for free download. The site you're reading is one of them, to a certain extent. Yet Can I Live? doesn't even scratch the surface in this regard. Most of you have likely come across one of these sites at some point. I'm guessing few of you have devoted the kind of time and energy that I have, though. These sites are myriad, and most are excellent. I'm posting tonight (this morning, really) for one in particular. Please do yourselves a favor and check out this site. Simply put, it is fucking amazing. Dozens of free cd's you want to have...for free! It's phenomenal. Criminal, even.

It is important to note these sites and their links to P2P file sharing are for promotional and/or evaluation purposes only. Any music you may download shoud be viewed as such, and should be deleted after an evaluatory period of no more than twenty-four hours. Seriously. With that said, feel free to gander at some of the other links to your right under the "My Peepz" category. I don't know any of these people whose sites I'm big upping; I'm just a fan like the rest of y'all. If you're a fan of music it's worth checking out.

Why I Hate Women

2008-04-27T03:49:00.003-04:00

The following is an aim conversation I think is topically applicable for those who know me or are interested enough to read this blog. Your boy goes in hard (no homo) and rips this chick a new one several times over. Her screen name has been changed for anonymity purposes. It is a bit long, but hilarious in my opinion. I hope this bitch reads this shit. I found out tonight she still harbors ill will more than a year later. And here I thought I was "undateable." Go figure...

Wingie Man: hi
C u Next Tuesday LoL: whats up
Wingie Man: look, we may as well put whatever that was behind us so things aren't weird
Wingie Man: especially because we have to work together all day
C u Next Tuesday LoL: not for nothing justin, but this was your decision
Wingie Man: what decision was that?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: 1)to ignore me 2) to act like i actually did something to you 3) to make it seem like i'm the biggest asshole ever
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i wanted to talk to you about this but you didn't want to
Wingie Man: it's unbelievable you don't see anything wrong with what you did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thats not the thing, i didn't do anything to you on purpose, you know that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and to blow everything off becausr of this one stupid thing is pretty ridiculous if you ask me
Wingie Man: what could your motive possibly have been to drag me back to connecticut with you if you knew you had your period
Wingie Man: and that's not just a guy being a pig...ask any woman
Wingie Man: you make the move to ask a guy back with you and certain things become implicit
Wingie Man: most notably hooking up
Wingie Man: and most definiitely when said hookup is to take place in connecticut
Wingie Man: I really wanna know what you foresaw for the rest of the night when you asked me to come back there while we were still in manhattan
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to say to you.."oops, sorry i just got my period..see you later"
C u Next Tuesday LoL: not to mention i was god damn drunk
Wingie Man: I expect you to act like an adult and be real with me
Wingie Man: and don't insult me further by playing the drunk card
C u Next Tuesday LoL: oh i see, so acting like an adult would be to not want to spend time with someone cuz you can't have sex with them
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i think we should define the word adult before we go throwing it around
Wingie Man: right, because we haven't hung out plenty of times without hooking up
Wingie Man: and you never heard me complaining or even mentioning anything of that nature
Wingie Man: don't make like i've been out for one thing
Wingie Man: but at 3am, I'll say it again, that's what I and every other normal human being is about
Wingie Man: did you really expect me to come back to stamford, ct at 3am with you to "hang out"?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you act like i god damn begged to get my period
Wingie Man: especially knowing it took me four hrs to get home sunday
Wingie Man: 4 HOURS!
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you know i feel baed about that, but jesus christ a made a fuckin mistake, how long are you friggin harp on this
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm sorry
Wingie Man: you've got a very peculiar way of showing how bad you feel when all the while you've been playing dumb like you didn't know what you did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: how so
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thats not the case at all
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to do make a friggin train appear for you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you didn't want to talk to me
Wingie Man: oh i'm terribly sorry...I guess I didn't want to talk to you because you dragged me to connecticut only to leave me high and dry, then drove an HOUR to drop me off at a fucking train station when you could have driven me home in half that time
Wingie Man: which is what you should have done after the shit you pulled
Wingie Man: so I apologize, hopefully next time you fuck me in the ass I'll be a bit more gabby
C u Next Tuesday LoL: heres the truth justin, i didn't really have my period, i just didn't want to have sex with you and then on sunday i created the best god damn plan i could to fuck you in the ass
C u Next Tuesday LoL: now you know my true intentions
Wingie Man: it worked like a charm then
Wingie Man: congratulations
Wingie Man: I still can't believe that shit happened, that's how perfect a plan it was
Wingie Man: straight out of a movie
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i fuckin almost started crying telling melinda what happened, what the fuck do you want me to do, it wasn't done on purpose, i'm sorry it happened, i just want to fuckin forget it and move on
Wingie Man: I don't know what to say to that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ?
Wingie Man: exactly
Wingie Man: it would've been fine if you didn't want to hook up
Wingie Man: you just can't drag dudes two states away on a saturday night to fucking cuddle
Wingie Man: unacceptable
Wingie Man: and surprisingly immature, if you ask me
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no shit justin
Wingie Man: the kicker is i've gotten the feeling this whole time you don't get what the big fucking deal is
Wingie Man: I knew my commute back was gonna be a bitch, don't you think I realized that before agreeing to come back?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what do you think i'm a fuckin moron, of course i do, theres just nothing i can do about it now, if i could i would just take it back
Wingie Man: so with that said, it should be obvious why i agreed to go back with you
Wingie Man: and in the end all i got was a bitch of a commute
Wingie Man: fucking slap in the face, and i'm supposed to forget about it???
Wingie Man: if you can find a guy who'll shrug off that bullshit I advise you to go after him
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck is that supposed to mean
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if you honestly think i would ever do something like that to you intentionally then obviously you don't know me at all, i've said i'm sorry, i don't know what else you want me to do, i wanted to talk to you about it yesterday cuz i know what i did was fucked up, but you didn't want to, so to assume i thought it was alright is not fair
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i would never do something like that to you and be a la-di-da about it
Wingie Man: you had HOURS on sunday to let me know you knew it was fucked up
Wingie Man: funny, because sunday morning you were pretty god damn la di da about it
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to do
Wingie Man: apologize, admit fault, and drive me the fuck home
Wingie Man: instead, you did nothing, no pun intended, and I got shafted on all fronts
C u Next Tuesday LoL: I'M SORRY JUSTIN
Wingie Man: haha
Wingie Man: clearly i'm going to end up the bad guy on this one
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no you aren't
Wingie Man: i already saw that coming
Wingie Man: are you familiar with social mores?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: justin enough, honestly, if you knew how bad i feel about the whole thing you wouldn't keep throwing it in my face, i'm sorry, i've said it a million times and i know it doesn't make ANYTHING better but i am, i didn't intend to fuck you in the ass, but i did, i don't want things to end because of this one stupid mistake, i was wrong, i fucked you, i did and didn't do things i should have
Wingie Man: fine
Wingie Man: you didn't answer my question
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no justin, what?
Wingie Man: they're unwritten laws of society we've all been conditioned to follow
Wingie Man: they change from country to country and culture to culture
Wingie Man: but in this country they're clearly defined
Wingie Man: classic example:
C u Next Tuesday LoL: listen fuckin webster, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG
Wingie Man: no, hear me out please
Wingie Man: classic example:
Wingie Man: you walk onto an empty bus with just one other person besides the driver on it
Wingie Man: where do you sit?
Wingie Man: anywhere but right next to that person, right
Wingie Man: ?
Wingie Man: that's a social more
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ha, yeah
Wingie Man: pronounced, MORay
Wingie Man: in case you were wondering
Wingie Man: anyway
Wingie Man: another one is when a woman asks a man to come home with her (or in certain instances back to their friends apt with whom they're spending the night), some degree of sex is expected
Wingie Man: unless you're a virgin in high school or a mormon
Wingie Man: to wit, you are neither of those things
Wingie Man: so, once again, apologize days after the fact all you want
Wingie Man: but the damage has been done
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no shit, the damage has been done!!
Wingie Man: told you I was the bad guy
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i never said that, you just keep assuming things for yourself
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i didn't even know what to say to you on sunday thats why i didn't say anything
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if i could, i would go back and say i'm a fuckin moron
Wingie Man: I'm sorry
Wingie Man: I really wish you'd done that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so do i, and i was going to, but you were just too pissed to even hear it, so i just left you alone, if you think in wasn't going to appoligize for it then you're dead wrong, i've felt so bad this whole time and i've wanted to say i'm sorry but i didn't know what your reaction was going to be
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i ws just gonna wait till you cooled off
Wingie Man: well, clearly i'm pretty fucking pissed
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no...really!!??
Wingie Man: at some point, you're going to have to take responsibility for your actions
Wingie Man: and that doesn't mean when it's easy or convenient for you
Wingie Man: to me, that's immaturity
Wingie Man: and not the type of person i'm looking for
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no kidding it immature, but i did say sorry to you on sunday
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and in all honesty, doing shit like that isnt me, i clearly wasn't thinking, i don't know how many times i can say this
Wingie Man: fine
Wingie Man: whatever's clever man
Wingie Man: we're not getting anywhere anyway
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no, its really not fine
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i can't have it be like this
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you think that this is something that i think is perfectly fine
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and its not and i know that
Wingie Man: i said fine
Wingie Man: if you re-read the beginning of the conversation my main goal here is to ensure things aren't weird at work
Wingie Man: neither of us can afford that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well i'm glad this is about what you want
Wingie Man: should it be about what you want?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you've made it like this to a certain degree
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no it shouldn't be about what i want
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm just saying
Wingie Man: saying what?
Wingie Man: i have a right to make things to whatever fucking degree i see fit
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i understand we can't have things be like this at work
Wingie Man: thank you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: but i can't have things be like this with you either
Wingie Man: how would you like things to be?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: as selfish, and immature and whatever else you want to call it, i want to forget it happened, which is much much easier for me to say than for you but theres nothing i can do about that, i don't want to not hang out with you anymore because of this stupid case of bad judgement, bad planning, and fuckin god hating me, i know i'm a moron for it, i know i fucked up, i know it was completely immature and not fair to you and i never had any intentions of it happening, and i did appologize that day for it which doesn't make it any better but i did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i feel horrible for the whole thing justin, i really do
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and it was ridiculously immature on my part
C u Next Tuesday LoL: but, we all make mistakes, and i'm sure you've made a few of your own that you would want to take back
Wingie Man: oh god
Wingie Man: i said fine
Wingie Man: supposedly we're "forgetting about it" now
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if you want i'll just give you back the friggin sex and four hours that i owe you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: THERES NOTHING I CAN DO JUSTIN
Wingie Man: i thought we were forgetting about it
Wingie Man: actually can I give you one other side note and then we'll forget about it?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: fine
Wingie Man: i was talking to a female friend of mine who doesn't know you or our situation
Wingie Man: so don't go bugging out and worrying with paranoia
Wingie Man: anyway
Wingie Man: when i told her, she totally agreed with me, which she hates to do but also added the following...
Wingie Man: she didn't understand why nothing happened just because we couldn't have actual intercourse
Wingie Man: to which i had no answer, except to feel like you probably didn't give a shit enough
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what are you talking about, you were the one who said you were done, did you not?
Wingie Man: oh come on, a long time had passed before then
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no it didn't
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ok, so i owe you a blow job too, add it to the friggin tab i have running
Wingie Man: as a matter of fact, at one point towards the end of that marathon makeout session i went to pull out my own dick since you certainly weren't making any moves
Wingie Man: and you told me not to since we can't "do anything"
Wingie Man: your words
Wingie Man: and a true story
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well thats not what i thought you were going for
Wingie Man: uh huh
C u Next Tuesday LoL: seriously
Wingie Man: look, no need to add blowjob to the list, nor is there any need for a list at all
Wingie Man: it's over and done with
Wingie Man: like you said
C u Next Tuesday LoL: whats over and done with
Wingie Man: this conversation for sure
Wingie Man: i need to be at work at 8 tomorrow
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so you're just going to leave it open ended like this
Wingie Man: sorry I don't have allthe answers elizabeth
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i don't expect you too
Wingie Man: also, I don't owe you anything right now
C u Next Tuesday LoL: honestly, i don't know what to say to you
Wingie Man: don't say anything
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i really don't want it to be this way justin
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i just wanted to give you some time to cool down but obviously that blew up in my face too
Wingie Man: oh well
Wingie Man: chalk it up to a lesson learned
Wingie Man: we all don't always get what we want
Wingie Man: trust me, I know
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thanks justin, i appreciate that
Wingie Man: very welcome
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so now you don't even want to hang out again
Wingie Man: look I don't know
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i meant ever
Wingie Man: I said I didn't have answers
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i know
Wingie Man: consider yourself forgiven as far as all this bullshit goes
Wingie Man: but I honestly don't know if i want to see you anymore
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well i guess then i'm not forgiven and people can't make mistakes
C u Next Tuesday LoL: this conversation didn't do shit justin
Wingie Man: oh no, don't threaten me with being bitchy at work
Wingie Man: anything but that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm not threatening you at all justin
Wingie Man: are you going to be bitchy at work?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: of course i'm not going to be bitchy at work, i'm just really friggin disappointed
Wingie Man: well good, so this conversation did do shit elizabeth
Wingie Man: point proven
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i was never a bitch to you at work justin, if anyone was a bitch it was you, with very good reason, but it was still you
Wingie Man: that's fine
Wingie Man: look, obviously this isn't the last time you and will be talking
Wingie Man: so there's no need to wrap this up in a nice neat package
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ha, you're right
Wingie Man: I'm sorry you're disappointed but this is how it's going to have to be for now
Wingie Man: so goodnight, and I will see you at work in eight hours
C u Next Tuesday LoL: yup, night

Friday Bad Ideas

2008-04-25T14:58:00.002-04:00

Living. It's a bad idea, hence the title of this blog. Can I live? I don't know, why don't you tell me. Each day is a struggle to conserve the precious little remaining lifeblood I do have left. Using alcohol and my firm belief in social mores as weapons, I fight the good fight against leeches trying to eat my face. Ketchup, open-toes shoes, people with proximity disorders or other such misunderstandings about personal space limits, morons...the list goes on. You've got dumbass kids who don't know the difference between narcissism and nihilism. Me, personally? I'd be a nihilist if I wasn't so fucking narcissistic. God in my own eyes, bitches!

That's all you get this week because there's a bunch of shit I need to do in preparation for a weekend of drunken debauchery. I know it's a bit of a rant, and could likely have been better thought out and assembled, but I challenge anyone to disagree with any of it. Evil is out there, my friends! It's time to choose sides.

Bulgarian Idol - "Ken Lee"

2008-04-24T16:45:00.001-04:00

Movie Deathmatch: Dolemite vs. Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law

2008-04-24T05:15:00.004-04:00

(Ed. note: If your name is Alistair, consider this your wedding present. If that is not your name please disregard this Editor's note.)

Welcome to this site's first movie deathmatch. I will be pitting two movies against one another, comparing them in several categories to determine the better film. This time we'll be going with Dolemite and Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law. They're both blaxploitation classics from the '70s. Both star Rudy Ray Moore and both are made wonderfully cheap with ridonkulous kung fu fighting and lots of boobies. Should be close. Before the breakdown, allow me to give a brief synopsis of both films.

Dolemite - Dolemite is a poet, comedian and club owner. He is a pimp and a kung fu fighter. Loved as a hero by everyone in the community, Dolemite runs into trouble with gangster Willie Green, as well as the dirty cops associated with him. The fuzz plant drugs and stolen furs in his trunk, getting Dolemite sent away for a long time. In his absence, the streets grow worse as there is no one to keep them clean. The prison warden devises a plan to free Dolemite, offering to erase his record if he takes down the bad guys. Luckily, he's not alone. It's a good thing, too. Apparently everyone from the ghetto back then new karate. Everyone. With the aid of his strumpets, who are also karate experts, his main bitch Queen B, and a crackhead named Creeper a.k.a. The Hamburger Pimp, Dolemite sets out to clear his name by ridding the streets of his enemies. Gully!

Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law - The opening scenes of this movie are among the most absurdly entertaining I've ever seen. It begins with a ridiculously pregnant woman in labor. Her belly is the size of the rest of her body. She's in pain, her husband is freaking out, and the doctor's never seen anything like it. She gives birth to a fully formed 10-year old boy. The kid comes out wearing tighty whities! The doctor is having a heart attack, all servants and midwives bug the fuck out; it's total chaos. As is customary, Doc spanks the kid's butt to get him to cry. Instead the kid screams, "Ow, that hurts!" (Yes, he learned to talk in there as well). He proceeds to beat the crap out of the doctor for hitting him. When the father breaks it up, the kid points at him and says, "I know you. You're the one who stabbed me every night in my sleep!" and proceeds to go after his father. The mother stops him, and proclaims, "Your name will be Petey Wheatstraw." Queue the gulliest title sequence EVAR!!! It's a kickass funk theme song that sets the stage for the rest of the movie, which is basically the same premise as Dolemite, except it involves Rudy Ray Moore reneging on a deal he made to marry the Devil's ugly-ass daughter. But really, with an opening like this do I need to explain any further? Check for yourself below. It's eight minutes long but well worth it. Trust me.

Title - This one's no contest. Petey Wheatstraw wins in a landslide.

Cover - Those are the dvd covers pictured above. Dolemite takes it, if only for its cartoonish nature. And whores.

Acting - Petey takes this one pretty easily. The warden's acting in Dolemite is beyond reproach, as is pretty much everyone else's -- the director and producer in this movie are also principal stars alongside Moore, and I can't imagine either being real actors. It should be mentioned though that the actor who played Creeper a.k.a. The Hamburger Pimp delivers the best and most believable performance of a crackhead ever. Better than Pookie from New Jack City and the "I'll suck yo dick" crackhead from Menace To Society. That's right. Creeper is the gold standard.

Direction/Production - Neither movie sets the world on fire in these departments. Witness the many instances the boom mike appears in the shot during Dolemite vs. the slick moving car shots in PWS. They were made just two years apart, but that time seems to make all the difference. Petey wins again.

Costume/Set Design - Dolemite wins for costumes hands-down. Any man in his right mind would be jealous of Rudy Ray Moore in this movie, not only for his hoes but for his pimp suits as well. For the same token, the set design in the second film is way better...chalk that one up to better production, and a likely higher budget. By the way, Rudy Ray Moore is listed as the set designer on Dolemite, telling you all you need to know there. This one's a tie.

Action/Violence - Both movies have roughly the same amount of "martial arts" scenes, which are silly yet entertaining. Past that, Dolemite is a lot more violent. Except for one scene in PWS involving gangstas with machine guns taking out an entire crowd of mourners at a funeral, most of the truly bloody scenes appear in the first film. Also, the credits of Dolemite thank Chuck Norris; this movie is the winner.

Comedy - They're both so friggin hilarious, it's difficult to pick. Ultimately, PWS wins due to it's better production and story, not to mention how absurd the Devil's minions look: skinny-ass black dudes with afros, horns, and variously colored tights chasing the protagonists around the whole time.

Nudity - A no-contest victory for Dolemite, where you'll find titties all over the place. PWS was a major disappointment in this department; there was only one quick orgy scene right at the end. Plus, Rudy Ray Moore lost a considerable amount of weight between 1975 and '77, meaning his own boobs were a lot larger in the first movie. Titties abound, I'll tell you!

Music - The score for both was pretty damn funky. What puts Petey over the top is the original music recorded for it, which was more excellent than that of Dolemite. I recommend looking some of this shit up.

Lasting Influence - Dolemite. It may have lost many of the previous categories, but it came first and remains the biggest franchise of Rudy Ray Moore's many blaxploitation classics.

Overall Enjoyment - PWS made up in quality and cohesiveness what it lacked in violence and nudity as compared to its earlier counterpart. It was just better.

Conclusion - If you're keeping track, Petey took this one 7-4. Both movies are pretty similar, with Rudy Ray Moore playing essentially the same silly but endearing character, and in a similar storyline. Dolemite gets major props for coming first and setting the standard for future success. An unfortunate side-effect of this is the people in charge didn't have nearly as good a handle on what makes a movie good than they did in later films. There are numerous hilarious scenes in both, like when Scarface Willie, one of the main villains in PWS, sees Petey resurrected by the Devil for the first time and shits himself. Classic. So classic, in fact, that Lil Wayne chose his rap name from graffiti placed prominently in the final scene of Petey Wheatstraw. I recommend both movies to you guys. Check them out, and check this bonus trailer for The Human Tornado below. Enjoy!

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2008-04-23T02:30:00.002-04:00

"Oh by the way, Richard Simmons called. He wants his ___ back."

Hair (0%)
Shorts (18.2%)
Sequins (36.4%)
Gay (45.5%)

You people amaze me. I throw up some suggestive imagery and nearly half of you were successfully swayed to vote the way I wanted you to. Are you sheep? Puppets, perhaps? Shuppets. That's what I'm going to call you. Richard Simmons can't take his gay back from you. That's impossible, silly gooses! The correct answer we were looking for was shorts. Sequins was also acceptable. No one else on earth has hair like Richard Simmons so that wasn't an acceptable answer either. Tsk tsk... Try to do better next time, ok shuppets? All right.

*************

This week we are attempting to determine who the dorkiest fanboys are. This is an even tougher decision than last week. Don't hurt yourselves.

Drunken Orson Welles Champagne Commercial

2008-04-22T19:57:00.002-04:00

I have tears in my eyes. Check out the :50 mark..."Muahaaaaaaa the French."

Random Thought

2008-04-22T14:22:00.002-04:00

I'm not too familiar with Quiet Riot; I never liked hair metal very much. With that said, this may have already come to fruition for all I know. They should have called one of their albums Diet Schmiet. Perhaps they could have a reunion. They're probably old as shit by now and possibly very fat. Maybe they could don fat suits if they're not fat. Think about it: the cd cover is a picture of a bunch of old fat dudes rocking the fuck out, and at the top it says Quiet Riot Diet Schmiet. Yeah.

Monday Morning Asshole

2008-04-21T01:46:00.010-04:00

I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall again on Sunday. This was the second time this weekend -- as has already been mentioned, I really like this movie. Anyway, this week's Monday Morning Asshole installment will be based on my experience there. First, I'd like to apologize for two things. One, because I left y'all hangin' last Monday with no new Assholes to loathe. Two, because this is the second asshole-in-a-movie-theater related MMA. Not very original, I know, but yesterday's case is just as worthy as the first. Allow me to explain.

The movie began at 3:25pm on 4/20. This is a movie that has done well at the box office so far and whose content is popular amongst the stoner crowd. Needless to say, the theater was more packed than usual. I actually ended up sitting in the back row directly behind two people, which would break my own strict social more rules had it not been for the fact that seats were scarce when I got there, thus nullifying any more through sheer necessity. A short time later, four girls entered and made their way to the back of the theater, in my general direction. They entered my row, walked down past a few other people, and...sat directly next to me. I couldn't fucking believe it. The one chick was literally to my immediate left. Had someone glanced in my direction they would have rightly assumed we were all together; it was me and four chicks.

I've mentioned that the theater was full. Allow me some further clarification: it was full, but not packed to capacity. Especially in the back row where I was, there were open seats. In fact, these girls made a conscious decision to sit next to me because there were still three or four open seats past where the one furthest from me sat, meaning we clearly did not need to be on top of one another. What was the thought process? I guess I just don't understand people.

These girls were high schoolers. It was dark, but they seemed attractive. They were stoned and made 4/20 references intermittently throughout the film. I feel like for most guys (yes, even those my age), this would be viewed as fortuitous. Yet, for two hours, all I could think about was why they sat next to me. To make matters worse, they talked throughout, there were several fielded cellphone calls, their laughs were horrid. The list went on. I had the feeling most guys would have engaged in some sort of conversation, at the very least for the slim hope they would have received a handjob right there in the back row. Honestly, the experience ruined the movie for me. I actually began to question my convictions. Why am I so different than my own perception of a normal guy? For these injustices done upon me, you four girls are officially bestowed this week's dubious distinction. Congratulations Foxy High School Girls Whom I Should Have Engaged In Conversation For The Slim Hope Of Receiving A Handjob, you are all assholes.

Ruthie from 7th Heaven is 18

2008-04-20T22:10:00.003-04:00

Mackenzie Rosman turned 18 almost four months ago. I must be slipping because I'm just finding this out now. She was always my favorite character on the show. I feel like a proud parent watching his child grow up! I wonder if she'll uphold the Camden family values, or go the way of Lindsay Lohan and company. What's the over/under for the number of months until nipple slip and/or upskirt pictures hit les internets? I'm going with six. Whaddaya say there, kids? Perhaps we could start a Can I Live? Mackenzie Rosman Nipple Slip Pool. In fact, I'm in for $10 on six months. Done and done.

Happy 420

2008-04-20T12:34:00.002-04:00

It's been some time since I've even sampled some ish, but I know a lot of you cats don't currently have that problem. So here's to all of you, on this, one of the most important holidays of the year! Enjoy some old school B-Sons on me.

Bastard Sons - E'ery Day

Jay Electronica

2008-04-19T03:35:00.002-04:00

I know, I just posted. I'm done listening to Oasis and this shit came on randomly. I'm pretty sure you haven't heard of him. Check out this song and tell me dude isn't the second coming. This song is produced by Mr. Porter, who's easily becoming the second most successful member of D12 after Eminem since Proof died (R.I.P.), though it should be pointed out Jay Electronica has no affiliation with D12; Mr. Porter's branching out like that. The whole thing's off the hook, but especially listen to Jay's rhymes at the 2:17 mark. Fire! Please leave comments. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. And if you do dig I can provide many more tracks upon request. Just get in touch.

Jay Electronica - Hard To Get (feat. Mr. Porter)

Much Ado About Nothing

2008-04-19T02:50:00.005-04:00

The subtitle of this post should be "The Story Of My Life" but that's too depressing content-wise for this otherwise joyful blog. I chose the main title because I'm bored and just feel like typing. Mostly my posts have a purpose but isn't this the point of blogging, to get one's raw feelings out on "paper"? I guess I don't really care, I'm gonna do it regardless. Right now it's almost 3am Saturday morning. I'm pretty bored. I've been on a Freecell kick, but I'm starting to get a little tipsy to risk my 35-game win streak. Some of you might not know how serious I am about Freecell. In short, I am very serious about it. There's no way not to sound conceited; I'm likely one of the best players you know. Holler.

I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall in the theater tonight. This has got to be the first time in years I've been sober in a movie theater on a weekend night. It was well worth it though. The movie was actually extremely good. I expected to like it, but was surprised even still with its high caliber. Judd Apatow's humor isn't for everyone but I do generally like it. Overall, I'd have to say this was better than his others (40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad). It's the perfect blend of raw and romantic comedy. I love this new trend mixing raunchy comedy and gaysha flicks. Beautiful. It's hard to get laugh-out-loud funny nowadays, not often anyway; here you do. I really liked this movie. I'll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD.

Afterward I came home after dropping my friend off. The sheer freedom of being sober enough to drive on a Friday night was exhilarating. Of course, it took me more than 30 minutes to find a parking space in Hoboken at 12:30am. No matter...I was rocking out to Foo Fighters and loving it. Speaking of which, I'm listening to a live Oasis CD right now. Fuck those who sleep on Oasis. They're my favorite band. Both groups are headlining the Virgin Festival Toronto in September. I'm definitely going...but I also plan on posting a summer music schedule once all lineups are announced. There are several noteworthy dates. Hopefully it'll mobilize some of you to come along. There's nothing like a life-changing music experience, right? Stay tuned for that post.

I got home and made myself a drink. Relaxed, tooled around on les internets, drank my vodka and juice....repeated steps. This is my life. It's not hard to see why I'm so bored. Will someone please entertain me??? I'll just drink and post randomness on this blog until then. It's not so depressing though...I just realized raspberry vodka livens up my orange-strawberry-banana cocktail more than regular vodka. Exciting times.

Gulliest child EVAR!!!

2008-04-18T16:53:00.001-04:00

Friday Bad Ideas: Open-Toed Shoes

2008-04-18T14:54:00.004-04:00

UGH!!! I love how women think they're being all cutesy wearing this shit. Newsflash: you are not cute. Your feet are fucking disgusting. Do you know what type of people have foot fetishes? Degenerates and sexual deviants. Is that really the caliber of man you want to attract with your choice of footwear? I wouldn't.

Then there's the bullshit argument women make that they dress for themselves, not us men. Save it. I'm not buying what you're selling. Here is the pecking order for how women base their fashion decisions:

To rope in a decent man for marriage
To impress and ultimately out-do other women in the never ending battle to achieve Objective #1
To make themselves happy

Notice how the person making the decision to wear these atrocities is last in the pecking order? It's simple human psychology. Women place status above their own true happiness. Therefore, the argument mentioned above is not true.

And don't get me started on men wearing sandals. Hippies and jocks, the lot of them. Hey asshole, throw away those Birkenstocks. Nobody wants to see your feet. If I can hardly stand to look at women's feet, imagine how this makes me feel. Guys often make the argument that their feet get too hot in warmer weather so they need to wear flip flops. This is an interesting window into men's psyches, attempting to use utility as an excuse. Nice try, fellas, but I'm still not buying it. No one's feet get that hot that open-toed shoes become utility. Quit yer bellyachin' and put on some fucking sneakers.

A cursory Google search on today's topic led me to this. At surface level I imagine this is amusing to those who are pro-sandal. To me though, it is horrifying. If one needs all these rules and regulations for doing something as unnecessary as sporting sandals, perhaps it's time to scrap the idea entirely. The whole thing makes no sense! Damn I hate you people. If I have a daughter (god forbid), you can bet your ass Yum Yum Gumdrop Vermin will not be allowed to wear open-toed shoes under any circumstances. I'd rather chop off her feet Kunta Kinte style. In fact, I'd like to pass a universal mandate banning these evil things now and forever. The punishment for breaking this law is foot amputation. There would be catty, jealous women chasing men around on stumps all over the place...Sigh, the future sure is bleak. Thanks for nothing, sandals.

New Muxtape

2008-04-18T00:39:00.003-04:00

Muxtape is all the rage nowadays. Have you seen it? If not, I have two things for you: 1) Trust me it is, and 2) What rock have you been living under? Whatever. I decided to give it the ol' college try, as they say. Check it out here and enjoy!

Iron Mic: Eli Porter vs. Envy

2008-04-17T14:45:00.002-04:00

Chances are you've seen this already since I'm about a hundred years too late posting it in les internets time. In fairness, my boy Jim sent me this before it blew up all over the place early this week. Friggin hilarious...enjoy.

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2008-04-16T03:11:00.007-04:00

Yes, I know I've been notably absent recently. And yes, I also know there was no Monday Morning Asshole this week. I apologize; I've been out of town since Friday evening. Relax, kids! In fact, despite still being on the road, I'm blogging to you on the go so as to not miss out on our Wednesday ritual. Take that, selfish! Anywho...last week was another one of those "reader response" surveys. Here are the results:

Movie review (16.7%)
Music review (8.3%)
Political/Religious post (8.3%)
Sports post (8.3%)
Drunken rant (58.3%)

There you have it. The results are pretty cut and dried, though I did predict last week that each choice would get some love. Each choice did, but more than half of you fools want to see a drunken rant from yours truly. You're going to get it. Here's the scoop: sometime soon I will plan to get super drunk (no great stretch there, I'll admit), come home and have this shit already set up for some drunken blogging goodness. The goal here is to gain an inner look into the psyche of someone who is blackout drunk. I don't even want to know where I am when I'm blogging, let alone be aware I'm doing it. I'm not going to have a predetermined topic set up either. We'll be flying by the seat of our collective pants. Hope it works out. It should be interesting either way so keep an eye out for that.

**********

I'd like to flip the script this week visa vi (sic?) my poll. Rather than continuing along the reader response path, I'm gonna change things up a bit. I want you all to read the following question and fill in the blank most appropriate to you: "Oh by the way, Richard Simmons called. He wants his ______ back." As in past weeks, your answers are of supreme importance. Vote often, and to quote Babu from Seinfeld, "tell your friends!"

Random Thought

2008-04-15T19:52:00.002-04:00

I like to root for the hot chick when watching Wheel Of Fortune. If she wins the game I get to see her lower half. If she gets the grand prize she jumps up and down. Everyone wins!

Friday Bad Ideas

2008-04-11T01:23:00.012-04:00

It is currently 1:22 ante meridiem, and I am DISGUSTED. Typically, one of two things happens when I'm wine-drunk: 1) I am extremely happy; 2) I am VERY ANGRY. Ninety-five times out of one hundred it is the former. Tonight it is the latter. I hate being angry. It upsets me. Yet, being the cockeyed optimist that I am, I can't help but find the silver lining here. Being angry has spawned the idea for my third weekly column: Friday Bad Ideas. That's right, along with Monday Morning Asshole and Weekly Poll Wednesdays comes Friday Bad Ideas. That's three weekday excuses alone to check out Can I Live? You're no doubt wondering what has made me so upset. Well I'll tell you. Ketchup. I mean, look at it:

Of all the pompous condiments, this one takes the cake. Goddamn you, ketchup. I hate you. "Hi, my name's ketchup. I'm the only non-sweet condiment or spread made from fruit. There's no end to the haughty phrases found on my label. I have the audacity to involve myself in American politics." Ketchup proclaims myriad additional bullshit, but I nearly had an embolism just quoting him (It?) If you disagree with me, go ahead and take a look in your refigerator. There are only two acceptable bases for condiments:

Seeds
Fat

I'll be the first to admit that I'm no genius (clinically speaking, that is) but as I peruse the aforementioned list I don't see "fruit" or "vinegar" anywhere on it, prompting my proclamation that ketchup is a fraud. Need extra coaxing? How about Ketchup's alternative spelling, "Catsup." Is there anything more gay that that? Not that there's anything wrong with homosexualtiy, to borrow from Seinfeld. My only point is that there is something wrong with ketchup. It's simply un-American, at best. Don't use it!

Bonus Bad Idea: Prematurely voting off Michael Johns from American Idol. Seriously, America? First it's your love affair with ketchup, and now you've ousted Michael Johns? Results of my Weekly Poll Wednesdays from two weeks ago left me wondering if al Qaeda had been tampering with these votes as a means of destroying wholesome American culture -- they're trying to extinguish our way of life! I sincerely hope that's not true, but who's to say for sure. After all, there's no way intelligent, red-blooded Americans would toss Michael Johns before the likes of Kristy Lee Cook and Syesha Mercado. Right? I know my homegirl Deuce feels me on this one.

Oh well. Let's resolve ourselves to taking the good along with the bad, shall we? Nice. Still, nothing cleanses like a good venting session. I'd love to hear from you kids, especially you, Deuce. What do you think of Johns' early exit? Or ketchup, for that matter? Leave some comments and let your voices be heard. I'd like to end this inaugural Friday Bad Ideas on a positive note. Here is the beauty that is Michael Johns. Enjoy.

Michael Johns - Don't You (Forget About Me)

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

2008-04-09T00:27:00.006-04:00

Last week's poll was the first reader response survey I've put up. The idea being that your responses will help shape the content of this website. I linked to three songs and asked you to select the beat Corleone would use for his next song. Here are the results:

Cypress Hill - Shoot Em Up (16.7%)
The Knux - Cappuccino (50%)
MF Doom - Saffron (33.3%)

There you have it. The Knux wins pretty definitively. I find this funny because this is the beat I would have chosen. Yet I figured it'd come in last since nobody knows these guys while Cypress Hill and MF Doom are pretty popular. I'm gonna hopefully get in the studio with Corleone next week sometime to lay down this track. Hopefully I'll be able to post it shortly thereafter. Here's the song you selected, for those who didn't bother to listen the first time around or are too lazy to go back and find the original post:

The Knux - Cappuccino

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This week is more reader response queries. What's the good word, people? Tell me what you want out of Can I Live? For the second week in a row I will not attempt to steer the poll in any particular direction to elicit a specific response. Any of these choices are worthy of your selection. It will be interesting to see what's chosen.

Indians take over Youtube

2008-04-08T23:58:00.004-04:00

I've been on a bit of a Youtube kick lately, but I don't care. If I come across something I feel you need to see, then damnit, I'm going to post it! Up first is Indian Thriller:

And I'll throw in some "Little Superstar" just for good measure:

Ah, fuck it. Finally, here is some Indian Superman for you guys! Bonus: Indian Superman's girlfriend is Indian Spiderwoman... Gully!

Double Bonus: Turkish Superman!!!

"Apache! HAHAHAHA!"

2008-04-08T19:53:00.000-04:00

Top 10 CDs of 2007

2008-04-08T17:30:00.002-04:00

Music is terrible nowadays. We're at an all-time low. It used to be one could hardly scratch one's balls without first brushing aside some awesome music. Now a muhfucka's got to search far and wide to find some hot shit. This point is perfectly illustrated by the fact that I could only come up with 17 worthy candidates for this list, and one of them technically came out in 2006! Before I reveal said list, I'd like to make something clear. This is not a list of my favorite albums, like the still forthcoming Top 25 favorite CDs list I keep talking about. These ten discs are the best to come out from last year. It is not my opinion; it is my fact.

For that reason, you will not find any hipster bullshit on here. There is no The Shins on my list. You will not be able to locate Okkervil River, mostly because I don't know if Okkervil River is a band or one person. If it's the latter, what kind of first name is Okkervil? For the same token, you will not find any Lil Wayne mixtapes. Dirty South hip hop is garbage. On to the list...

Incubus - Light Grenades
Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
Pharoahe Monch - Desire
R.S. Foster - You Stole My Jiggy
Little Brother - Getback
9th Wonder - The Dream Merchant Vol. 2
The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Ghostface - The Big Doe Rehab
Talib Kweli - Eardrum
Redman - Red Gone Wild

Bonus jam from my man Foster below. Bastard Sons doin' big things this year. Enjoy.

R.S. Foster - Oh Foster You Don't Know!!

Random question

2008-04-08T01:38:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I smell peanut butter for no reason, like there's peanut butter inside my nose. Am I the only one?

Monday Morning Asshole

2008-04-07T00:29:00.007-04:00

Boy, were there a lot of candidates for this week's installment of Monday Morning Asshole! James Dolan was a strong possibility, though I should probably devote a separate post to the agony that is being a Knicks fan. Then there was the asshole who got me and my friends forcibly removed from the bar Saturday night. But in fairness, I did ask his girlfriend why she would date such a douche bag. You know how jocks get when they're drunk... Anyway, I found my asshole of the week at the movies of all places.

I went to the theater by myself for the first time yesterday. I'm selling my home and needed to be out for awhile as potential buyers surveyed the place. So I drive down to the theater without bothering to look at movie times. Turns out the only thing I could see without having to wait an hour or more was Shutter. I bought my ticket without even knowing what it was about or who was in it. The movie starred Joshua Jackson, of Dawson's Creek fame, and ended up being pretty crappy (I know, the second half of that sentence repeated the first).

Because it was early, the theater was empty. I was literally the only one in there for about twenty minutes. The previews began and I was all excited I might actually be completely alone in a movie theater. Alas, it was not meant to be as this guy (henceforth referred to as "Asshole") and his son came in. Alright, no big deal I thought. But wouldn't you know it? Asshole and his son sat directly behind me. The theater is completely empty. There are probably a few hundred seats available and this fucking toolbox reaches the conclusion it would be a good idea to sit within two feet of the only other living being in the room. I. Was. Furious. And to make matters worse, they talked throughout the whole movie!

Those of you who know me are well aware of my hatred for those refusing to adhere to basic social mores. Asshole, you broke two of the cardinal rules! You don't talk in movie theaters, and you DEFINITELY don't go anywhere near another person in an empty theater, bus, train, restroom, etc. I really wanted to say something, but there were factors at play preventing me from doing so, not least of which was that I was rather hungover and Asshole was rather large. So I sat there for 90 minutes listening to the inane meanderings of an imbecile and his child. Why didn't I get up and move, you ask? Fuck that. I strategically chose the seat I was in because I judged it to be optimal for my viewing experience. Furthermore, I should not have to be the one to turn my fucking life upside down for these goddamn people. They fucked up, let them make the change. An hour and a half of Joshua Jackson, a poorly written horror movie (sans boobies, no less), an invasion of my personal space, and an assault of my aural senses...fucking frustrating. Congratulations Asshole, you are an asshole!

Predator Jam!!!

2008-04-04T20:05:00.000-04:00