Friday, September 26, 2008
So's Your Face (A Reluctant Ode to Shampton)
This has finally happened. I've been talking about this for awhile. This is what drunkards dream about. This...is...Ok, admittedly, I have no clue what I'm talking about. This is a disaster.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Disaster
This post is solely in the interest of full disclosure. I've been doing my best not to drink for some time now. I was exercising this evening (I know, no homo); upon my return I made a decision not to purchase alcohol prior to the midnight deadline. This decision proved to be disastrous. By the time I was done watching the new season's premiere of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which is a supremely excellent show, I realized the mistake I'd made. I was wide awake and ready to drink. Try as I may, there was no reconciling my need for alcohol. I set upon my mission to buy the devil drink.
Much to my dismay, I arrived at the liquor store to realize it had been closed for eight minutes. Trips to nearby locations proved equally unfruitful. Dejected, I set about returning home. I had given up hope. But luckily, I passed a bar on my way back. Realizing this was my only opportunity to drink, I entered. There was but one seat open at the bar; I occupied it. What transpired from this point can only be described as drunken foolishness. I began with two shots of Jack and a G&T, followed with a beer and whiskey on rocks. After that was a scotch accompanied by a Redbull and vodka. After that is anybody's guess. I know I spent at least a couple of hours in there. One can only wonder the kind of fantasy that ensued. I know I applied for some sort of job. I also know I challenged the female bartender, in some convoluted effort to hit on her, to create a number of drinks to serve to me. I don't think her concoctions served me very well.
In short, I'm drunk and don't know what I'm talking about. Is this my fault? I'd like to think it's not, but who am I to judge? I'm no expert. I'm just a guy who took 90 minutes to type this abortion of a post. I'd feel sorry for myself, but you try having a drinking problem. That's what I thought...go fuck yourself. I knew you weren't better than me.
Much to my dismay, I arrived at the liquor store to realize it had been closed for eight minutes. Trips to nearby locations proved equally unfruitful. Dejected, I set about returning home. I had given up hope. But luckily, I passed a bar on my way back. Realizing this was my only opportunity to drink, I entered. There was but one seat open at the bar; I occupied it. What transpired from this point can only be described as drunken foolishness. I began with two shots of Jack and a G&T, followed with a beer and whiskey on rocks. After that was a scotch accompanied by a Redbull and vodka. After that is anybody's guess. I know I spent at least a couple of hours in there. One can only wonder the kind of fantasy that ensued. I know I applied for some sort of job. I also know I challenged the female bartender, in some convoluted effort to hit on her, to create a number of drinks to serve to me. I don't think her concoctions served me very well.
In short, I'm drunk and don't know what I'm talking about. Is this my fault? I'd like to think it's not, but who am I to judge? I'm no expert. I'm just a guy who took 90 minutes to type this abortion of a post. I'd feel sorry for myself, but you try having a drinking problem. That's what I thought...go fuck yourself. I knew you weren't better than me.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!
That's right, it's the triumphant return of Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!! It's been a minute since my last post. I know y'all muhfuckas dug reading about the history of V.A.'s name as much as I enjoyed writing it. As gangster as that was, I think we all agree it's about time for another update. I was checking out the site and basically got tired of looking at the same poll for the last two months. With that said, allow me to introduce this new one; it's the best poll yet! First, though, let's recap the previous poll. On May 22nd I posed an important question, one that has quite a lot of bearing on today's news and political climate. What would you most like our next president to address upon taking office? There are several choices, and each one is a pressing issue -- both for this country and the world as a result. I deem all choices to be of the utmost importance.
Admittedly, I had much difficulty making my choices (I provided for up to three in this poll). Let's face it: regardless of one's political affiliation, all agree this country has been heading in the wrong direction for some time now. Every choice in this poll is important, to varying degrees, depending on preference. Choices ranged from international to domestic issues, diplomacy, economic policy, social accountability, and future concerns like global warming. Not surprisingly, there were no runaways, as each possible choice mostly received some attention. Let's take a look at the results:
Rising gas prices/Dependence on foreign oil (68.8%)
Health care (37.5%)
Economy (31.3%)
Education (31.3%)
Homeland Security (25%)
Exit Strategy (18.8%)
Global warming/Environmental concerns (18.8%)
National debt (18.8%)
International relations (12.5%)
Managing war effort (0%)
Interesting responses from you all. It's obvious why rising gas prices won easily, given how top of mind the issue is for those in our demographic, as well as how its effects are perhaps more direct and obvious than any of the other choices on this list. Domestic issues such as health care, education and the economy were of secondary importance, whereas international and military issues were an afterthought. None of you had interest in our next president successfully managing the war effort...proof enough for me we're all tired of the sad reality that's become of this war. Personally, I think your decisions here are shortsighted. The war is a short-term issue, but several long-term problems were overlooked. I've read extensively on the issue of global warming, and feel it has the potential to be the most volatile of all things mentioned in this poll. I also feel national debt was spurned for the sexier choice of economy, though our strategic shortfall of being in such heavy debt to China could prove fatal over the course of this century. International relations need to improve drastically, regardless of who takes office next November. Still, every one of these issues is problematic, so I can't fault you too much for your decisions. If you feel strongly about any of these things -- anything -- you must vote. Electoral college be damned! This is the hand we've been dealt. Flawed system or not...operate within it to facilitate change or keep your fucking mouth shut.
********************
This new poll arose from a heated disagreement I had with a friend of mine. He foolishly maintains that more than 70% of sexagenarian males would voluntarily cut their balls off for one night of ecstasy with a teenage perfect ten. I say it's less than 5%, though I'd like you to be the judge. Help us settle this before it devolves into a kerfuffle by voting early and often.
Admittedly, I had much difficulty making my choices (I provided for up to three in this poll). Let's face it: regardless of one's political affiliation, all agree this country has been heading in the wrong direction for some time now. Every choice in this poll is important, to varying degrees, depending on preference. Choices ranged from international to domestic issues, diplomacy, economic policy, social accountability, and future concerns like global warming. Not surprisingly, there were no runaways, as each possible choice mostly received some attention. Let's take a look at the results:
Rising gas prices/Dependence on foreign oil (68.8%)
Health care (37.5%)
Economy (31.3%)
Education (31.3%)
Homeland Security (25%)
Exit Strategy (18.8%)
Global warming/Environmental concerns (18.8%)
National debt (18.8%)
International relations (12.5%)
Managing war effort (0%)
Interesting responses from you all. It's obvious why rising gas prices won easily, given how top of mind the issue is for those in our demographic, as well as how its effects are perhaps more direct and obvious than any of the other choices on this list. Domestic issues such as health care, education and the economy were of secondary importance, whereas international and military issues were an afterthought. None of you had interest in our next president successfully managing the war effort...proof enough for me we're all tired of the sad reality that's become of this war. Personally, I think your decisions here are shortsighted. The war is a short-term issue, but several long-term problems were overlooked. I've read extensively on the issue of global warming, and feel it has the potential to be the most volatile of all things mentioned in this poll. I also feel national debt was spurned for the sexier choice of economy, though our strategic shortfall of being in such heavy debt to China could prove fatal over the course of this century. International relations need to improve drastically, regardless of who takes office next November. Still, every one of these issues is problematic, so I can't fault you too much for your decisions. If you feel strongly about any of these things -- anything -- you must vote. Electoral college be damned! This is the hand we've been dealt. Flawed system or not...operate within it to facilitate change or keep your fucking mouth shut.
********************
This new poll arose from a heated disagreement I had with a friend of mine. He foolishly maintains that more than 70% of sexagenarian males would voluntarily cut their balls off for one night of ecstasy with a teenage perfect ten. I say it's less than 5%, though I'd like you to be the judge. Help us settle this before it devolves into a kerfuffle by voting early and often.
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