Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

There was some controversy surrounding this week's voting. As I'm sure many of you have noticed, the total amount of votes add up to more than 100%! I'm not sure how this happened, but I have two hypotheses:

1. The geeks at Vizu who run these polls were so excited over its content that they allowed free reign over voting, leading to the surplus in percentages.
2. The geeks at Vizu who run these polls were so enraged over its content that they purposefully skewed the voting, so as to devalue the validity of the results.

Either way you look at it, there must have been a shiteload of respondents because the final results add up to 136.4%. I am not surprised by the results, however, given the age and demographic of this site's readers. World of Warcraft is "in" right now, whereas Star Trek was definitely more popular amongst the previous two generations. I think all three sets of fanboys have some major issues they need to address. By the way, I can say these things because I'm no fan of any of this crap. Here are the results:

Star Trek (27.3%)
Dungeons & Dragons (45.5%)
World of Warcraft (63.6%)

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The new poll is up. It concerns silly exclamations, of which I am quite fond. Sometimes you're in a situation that calls for an abrupt conversation, but can't curse(only honkies "cuss"). What do you say? These four choices were the first that came to mind, but I'm sure there are many others. Which one is your favorite? Vote in the poll and leave some of your other favorite exclamations in the comments. I will pick my favorite among the ones in the comments section next Wednesday. The winner will get a prize!

Anti-Monday Morning Asshole

Believe it or not, I didn't run into any assholes this week. I know, I can't believe it either. There were a bunch of terrible jocks at this ridiculous bar I went to on Saturday night, but I didn't have any run-ins so all is good. One quick side note: a friend of mine coined a new term, jockfoolery. It's the combination of jocularity and tomfoolery, and describes the behavior of most male patrons of this bar I was at the other night. I think it's fantastic. Plus it rhymes with Chuck Woolery, which is always good. Corleone will probably work that into one of his songs at some point. Anyway, since there were no assholes this week, enjoy this video in its place. It comes courtesy of Jim, a regular contributor here at Can I Live?

Amazing

I love these new internet trends. There truly is no stopping the illlegal downloading of music. I bore witness to this fact in 2000, while at Penn State, when Napster and a T3 connection made it possible to download hundreds of songs a night. The Golden Age, huh? Not so fast. While there have been various teasers in the wake of Napster's downfall, nothing since has been able to duplicate the raw duplicity of those times. Until now. The newest flavor of the week on les internets is personal blogs offering "promotional" material available for free download. The site you're reading is one of them, to a certain extent. Yet Can I Live? doesn't even scratch the surface in this regard. Most of you have likely come across one of these sites at some point. I'm guessing few of you have devoted the kind of time and energy that I have, though. These sites are myriad, and most are excellent. I'm posting tonight (this morning, really) for one in particular. Please do yourselves a favor and check out this site. Simply put, it is fucking amazing. Dozens of free cd's you want to have...for free! It's phenomenal. Criminal, even.

It is important to note these sites and their links to P2P file sharing are for promotional and/or evaluation purposes only. Any music you may download shoud be viewed as such, and should be deleted after an evaluatory period of no more than twenty-four hours. Seriously. With that said, feel free to gander at some of the other links to your right under the "My Peepz" category. I don't know any of these people whose sites I'm big upping; I'm just a fan like the rest of y'all. If you're a fan of music it's worth checking out.

Why I Hate Women

The following is an aim conversation I think is topically applicable for those who know me or are interested enough to read this blog. Your boy goes in hard (no homo) and rips this chick a new one several times over. Her screen name has been changed for anonymity purposes. It is a bit long, but hilarious in my opinion. I hope this bitch reads this shit. I found out tonight she still harbors ill will more than a year later. And here I thought I was "undateable." Go figure...

Wingie Man: hi
C u Next Tuesday LoL: whats up
Wingie Man: look, we may as well put whatever that was behind us so things aren't weird
Wingie Man: especially because we have to work together all day
C u Next Tuesday LoL: not for nothing justin, but this was your decision
Wingie Man: what decision was that?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: 1)to ignore me 2) to act like i actually did something to you 3) to make it seem like i'm the biggest asshole ever
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i wanted to talk to you about this but you didn't want to
Wingie Man: it's unbelievable you don't see anything wrong with what you did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thats not the thing, i didn't do anything to you on purpose, you know that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and to blow everything off becausr of this one stupid thing is pretty ridiculous if you ask me
Wingie Man: what could your motive possibly have been to drag me back to connecticut with you if you knew you had your period
Wingie Man: and that's not just a guy being a pig...ask any woman
Wingie Man: you make the move to ask a guy back with you and certain things become implicit
Wingie Man: most notably hooking up
Wingie Man: and most definiitely when said hookup is to take place in connecticut
Wingie Man: I really wanna know what you foresaw for the rest of the night when you asked me to come back there while we were still in manhattan
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to say to you.."oops, sorry i just got my period..see you later"
C u Next Tuesday LoL: not to mention i was god damn drunk
Wingie Man: I expect you to act like an adult and be real with me
Wingie Man: and don't insult me further by playing the drunk card
C u Next Tuesday LoL: oh i see, so acting like an adult would be to not want to spend time with someone cuz you can't have sex with them
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i think we should define the word adult before we go throwing it around
Wingie Man: right, because we haven't hung out plenty of times without hooking up
Wingie Man: and you never heard me complaining or even mentioning anything of that nature
Wingie Man: don't make like i've been out for one thing
Wingie Man: but at 3am, I'll say it again, that's what I and every other normal human being is about
Wingie Man: did you really expect me to come back to stamford, ct at 3am with you to "hang out"?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you act like i god damn begged to get my period
Wingie Man: especially knowing it took me four hrs to get home sunday
Wingie Man: 4 HOURS!
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you know i feel baed about that, but jesus christ a made a fuckin mistake, how long are you friggin harp on this
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm sorry
Wingie Man: you've got a very peculiar way of showing how bad you feel when all the while you've been playing dumb like you didn't know what you did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: how so
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thats not the case at all
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to do make a friggin train appear for you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you didn't want to talk to me
Wingie Man: oh i'm terribly sorry...I guess I didn't want to talk to you because you dragged me to connecticut only to leave me high and dry, then drove an HOUR to drop me off at a fucking train station when you could have driven me home in half that time
Wingie Man: which is what you should have done after the shit you pulled
Wingie Man: so I apologize, hopefully next time you fuck me in the ass I'll be a bit more gabby
C u Next Tuesday LoL: heres the truth justin, i didn't really have my period, i just didn't want to have sex with you and then on sunday i created the best god damn plan i could to fuck you in the ass
C u Next Tuesday LoL: now you know my true intentions
Wingie Man: it worked like a charm then
Wingie Man: congratulations
Wingie Man: I still can't believe that shit happened, that's how perfect a plan it was
Wingie Man: straight out of a movie
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i fuckin almost started crying telling melinda what happened, what the fuck do you want me to do, it wasn't done on purpose, i'm sorry it happened, i just want to fuckin forget it and move on
Wingie Man: I don't know what to say to that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ?
Wingie Man: exactly
Wingie Man: it would've been fine if you didn't want to hook up
Wingie Man: you just can't drag dudes two states away on a saturday night to fucking cuddle
Wingie Man: unacceptable
Wingie Man: and surprisingly immature, if you ask me
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no shit justin
Wingie Man: the kicker is i've gotten the feeling this whole time you don't get what the big fucking deal is
Wingie Man: I knew my commute back was gonna be a bitch, don't you think I realized that before agreeing to come back?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what do you think i'm a fuckin moron, of course i do, theres just nothing i can do about it now, if i could i would just take it back
Wingie Man: so with that said, it should be obvious why i agreed to go back with you
Wingie Man: and in the end all i got was a bitch of a commute
Wingie Man: fucking slap in the face, and i'm supposed to forget about it???
Wingie Man: if you can find a guy who'll shrug off that bullshit I advise you to go after him
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck is that supposed to mean
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if you honestly think i would ever do something like that to you intentionally then obviously you don't know me at all, i've said i'm sorry, i don't know what else you want me to do, i wanted to talk to you about it yesterday cuz i know what i did was fucked up, but you didn't want to, so to assume i thought it was alright is not fair
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i would never do something like that to you and be a la-di-da about it
Wingie Man: you had HOURS on sunday to let me know you knew it was fucked up
Wingie Man: funny, because sunday morning you were pretty god damn la di da about it
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what the fuck did you want me to do
Wingie Man: apologize, admit fault, and drive me the fuck home
Wingie Man: instead, you did nothing, no pun intended, and I got shafted on all fronts
C u Next Tuesday LoL: I'M SORRY JUSTIN
Wingie Man: haha
Wingie Man: clearly i'm going to end up the bad guy on this one
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no you aren't
Wingie Man: i already saw that coming
Wingie Man: are you familiar with social mores?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: justin enough, honestly, if you knew how bad i feel about the whole thing you wouldn't keep throwing it in my face, i'm sorry, i've said it a million times and i know it doesn't make ANYTHING better but i am, i didn't intend to fuck you in the ass, but i did, i don't want things to end because of this one stupid mistake, i was wrong, i fucked you, i did and didn't do things i should have
Wingie Man: fine
Wingie Man: you didn't answer my question
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no justin, what?
Wingie Man: they're unwritten laws of society we've all been conditioned to follow
Wingie Man: they change from country to country and culture to culture
Wingie Man: but in this country they're clearly defined
Wingie Man: classic example:
C u Next Tuesday LoL: listen fuckin webster, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG
Wingie Man: no, hear me out please
Wingie Man: classic example:
Wingie Man: you walk onto an empty bus with just one other person besides the driver on it
Wingie Man: where do you sit?
Wingie Man: anywhere but right next to that person, right
Wingie Man: ?
Wingie Man: that's a social more
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ha, yeah
Wingie Man: pronounced, MORay
Wingie Man: in case you were wondering
Wingie Man: anyway
Wingie Man: another one is when a woman asks a man to come home with her (or in certain instances back to their friends apt with whom they're spending the night), some degree of sex is expected
Wingie Man: unless you're a virgin in high school or a mormon
Wingie Man: to wit, you are neither of those things
Wingie Man: so, once again, apologize days after the fact all you want
Wingie Man: but the damage has been done
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no shit, the damage has been done!!
Wingie Man: told you I was the bad guy
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i never said that, you just keep assuming things for yourself
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i didn't even know what to say to you on sunday thats why i didn't say anything
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if i could, i would go back and say i'm a fuckin moron
Wingie Man: I'm sorry
Wingie Man: I really wish you'd done that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so do i, and i was going to, but you were just too pissed to even hear it, so i just left you alone, if you think in wasn't going to appoligize for it then you're dead wrong, i've felt so bad this whole time and i've wanted to say i'm sorry but i didn't know what your reaction was going to be
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i ws just gonna wait till you cooled off
Wingie Man: well, clearly i'm pretty fucking pissed
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no...really!!??
Wingie Man: at some point, you're going to have to take responsibility for your actions
Wingie Man: and that doesn't mean when it's easy or convenient for you
Wingie Man: to me, that's immaturity
Wingie Man: and not the type of person i'm looking for
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no kidding it immature, but i did say sorry to you on sunday
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and in all honesty, doing shit like that isnt me, i clearly wasn't thinking, i don't know how many times i can say this
Wingie Man: fine
Wingie Man: whatever's clever man
Wingie Man: we're not getting anywhere anyway
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no, its really not fine
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i can't have it be like this
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you think that this is something that i think is perfectly fine
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and its not and i know that
Wingie Man: i said fine
Wingie Man: if you re-read the beginning of the conversation my main goal here is to ensure things aren't weird at work
Wingie Man: neither of us can afford that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well i'm glad this is about what you want
Wingie Man: should it be about what you want?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: you've made it like this to a certain degree
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no it shouldn't be about what i want
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm just saying
Wingie Man: saying what?
Wingie Man: i have a right to make things to whatever fucking degree i see fit
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i understand we can't have things be like this at work
Wingie Man: thank you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: but i can't have things be like this with you either
Wingie Man: how would you like things to be?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: as selfish, and immature and whatever else you want to call it, i want to forget it happened, which is much much easier for me to say than for you but theres nothing i can do about that, i don't want to not hang out with you anymore because of this stupid case of bad judgement, bad planning, and fuckin god hating me, i know i'm a moron for it, i know i fucked up, i know it was completely immature and not fair to you and i never had any intentions of it happening, and i did appologize that day for it which doesn't make it any better but i did
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i feel horrible for the whole thing justin, i really do
C u Next Tuesday LoL: and it was ridiculously immature on my part
C u Next Tuesday LoL: but, we all make mistakes, and i'm sure you've made a few of your own that you would want to take back
Wingie Man: oh god
Wingie Man: i said fine
Wingie Man: supposedly we're "forgetting about it" now
C u Next Tuesday LoL: if you want i'll just give you back the friggin sex and four hours that i owe you
C u Next Tuesday LoL: THERES NOTHING I CAN DO JUSTIN
Wingie Man: i thought we were forgetting about it
Wingie Man: actually can I give you one other side note and then we'll forget about it?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: fine
Wingie Man: i was talking to a female friend of mine who doesn't know you or our situation
Wingie Man: so don't go bugging out and worrying with paranoia
Wingie Man: anyway
Wingie Man: when i told her, she totally agreed with me, which she hates to do but also added the following...
Wingie Man: she didn't understand why nothing happened just because we couldn't have actual intercourse
Wingie Man: to which i had no answer, except to feel like you probably didn't give a shit enough
C u Next Tuesday LoL: what are you talking about, you were the one who said you were done, did you not?
Wingie Man: oh come on, a long time had passed before then
C u Next Tuesday LoL: no it didn't
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ok, so i owe you a blow job too, add it to the friggin tab i have running
Wingie Man: as a matter of fact, at one point towards the end of that marathon makeout session i went to pull out my own dick since you certainly weren't making any moves
Wingie Man: and you told me not to since we can't "do anything"
Wingie Man: your words
Wingie Man: and a true story
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well thats not what i thought you were going for
Wingie Man: uh huh
C u Next Tuesday LoL: seriously
Wingie Man: look, no need to add blowjob to the list, nor is there any need for a list at all
Wingie Man: it's over and done with
Wingie Man: like you said
C u Next Tuesday LoL: whats over and done with
Wingie Man: this conversation for sure
Wingie Man: i need to be at work at 8 tomorrow
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so you're just going to leave it open ended like this
Wingie Man: sorry I don't have allthe answers elizabeth
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i don't expect you too
Wingie Man: also, I don't owe you anything right now
C u Next Tuesday LoL: honestly, i don't know what to say to you
Wingie Man: don't say anything
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i really don't want it to be this way justin
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i just wanted to give you some time to cool down but obviously that blew up in my face too
Wingie Man: oh well
Wingie Man: chalk it up to a lesson learned
Wingie Man: we all don't always get what we want
Wingie Man: trust me, I know
C u Next Tuesday LoL: thanks justin, i appreciate that
Wingie Man: very welcome
C u Next Tuesday LoL: so now you don't even want to hang out again
Wingie Man: look I don't know
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i meant ever
Wingie Man: I said I didn't have answers
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i know
Wingie Man: consider yourself forgiven as far as all this bullshit goes
Wingie Man: but I honestly don't know if i want to see you anymore
C u Next Tuesday LoL: well i guess then i'm not forgiven and people can't make mistakes
C u Next Tuesday LoL: this conversation didn't do shit justin
Wingie Man: oh no, don't threaten me with being bitchy at work
Wingie Man: anything but that
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i'm not threatening you at all justin
Wingie Man: are you going to be bitchy at work?
C u Next Tuesday LoL: of course i'm not going to be bitchy at work, i'm just really friggin disappointed
Wingie Man: well good, so this conversation did do shit elizabeth
Wingie Man: point proven
C u Next Tuesday LoL: i was never a bitch to you at work justin, if anyone was a bitch it was you, with very good reason, but it was still you
Wingie Man: that's fine
Wingie Man: look, obviously this isn't the last time you and will be talking
Wingie Man: so there's no need to wrap this up in a nice neat package
C u Next Tuesday LoL: ha, you're right
Wingie Man: I'm sorry you're disappointed but this is how it's going to have to be for now
Wingie Man: so goodnight, and I will see you at work in eight hours
C u Next Tuesday LoL: yup, night

Friday Bad Ideas

Living. It's a bad idea, hence the title of this blog. Can I live? I don't know, why don't you tell me. Each day is a struggle to conserve the precious little remaining lifeblood I do have left. Using alcohol and my firm belief in social mores as weapons, I fight the good fight against leeches trying to eat my face. Ketchup, open-toes shoes, people with proximity disorders or other such misunderstandings about personal space limits, morons...the list goes on. You've got dumbass kids who don't know the difference between narcissism and nihilism. Me, personally? I'd be a nihilist if I wasn't so fucking narcissistic. God in my own eyes, bitches!

That's all you get this week because there's a bunch of shit I need to do in preparation for a weekend of drunken debauchery. I know it's a bit of a rant, and could likely have been better thought out and assembled, but I challenge anyone to disagree with any of it. Evil is out there, my friends! It's time to choose sides.

Bulgarian Idol - "Ken Lee"

Movie Deathmatch: Dolemite vs. Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law

(Ed. note: If your name is Alistair, consider this your wedding present. If that is not your name please disregard this Editor's note.)


Welcome to this site's first movie deathmatch. I will be pitting two movies against one another, comparing them in several categories to determine the better film. This time we'll be going with Dolemite and Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law. They're both blaxploitation classics from the '70s. Both star Rudy Ray Moore and both are made wonderfully cheap with ridonkulous kung fu fighting and lots of boobies. Should be close. Before the breakdown, allow me to give a brief synopsis of both films.

Dolemite - Dolemite is a poet, comedian and club owner. He is a pimp and a kung fu fighter. Loved as a hero by everyone in the community, Dolemite runs into trouble with gangster Willie Green, as well as the dirty cops associated with him. The fuzz plant drugs and stolen furs in his trunk, getting Dolemite sent away for a long time. In his absence, the streets grow worse as there is no one to keep them clean. The prison warden devises a plan to free Dolemite, offering to erase his record if he takes down the bad guys. Luckily, he's not alone. It's a good thing, too. Apparently everyone from the ghetto back then new karate. Everyone. With the aid of his strumpets, who are also karate experts, his main bitch Queen B, and a crackhead named Creeper a.k.a. The Hamburger Pimp, Dolemite sets out to clear his name by ridding the streets of his enemies. Gully!









Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son In-Law - The opening scenes of this movie are among the most absurdly entertaining I've ever seen. It begins with a ridiculously pregnant woman in labor. Her belly is the size of the rest of her body. She's in pain, her husband is freaking out, and the doctor's never seen anything like it. She gives birth to a fully formed 10-year old boy. The kid comes out wearing tighty whities! The doctor is having a heart attack, all servants and midwives bug the fuck out; it's total chaos. As is customary, Doc spanks the kid's butt to get him to cry. Instead the kid screams, "Ow, that hurts!" (Yes, he learned to talk in there as well). He proceeds to beat the crap out of the doctor for hitting him. When the father breaks it up, the kid points at him and says, "I know you. You're the one who stabbed me every night in my sleep!" and proceeds to go after his father. The mother stops him, and proclaims, "Your name will be Petey Wheatstraw." Queue the gulliest title sequence EVAR!!! It's a kickass funk theme song that sets the stage for the rest of the movie, which is basically the same premise as Dolemite, except it involves Rudy Ray Moore reneging on a deal he made to marry the Devil's ugly-ass daughter. But really, with an opening like this do I need to explain any further? Check for yourself below. It's eight minutes long but well worth it. Trust me.




Title - This one's no contest. Petey Wheatstraw wins in a landslide.


Cover - Those are the dvd covers pictured above. Dolemite takes it, if only for its cartoonish nature. And whores.


Acting - Petey takes this one pretty easily. The warden's acting in Dolemite is beyond reproach, as is pretty much everyone else's -- the director and producer in this movie are also principal stars alongside Moore, and I can't imagine either being real actors. It should be mentioned though that the actor who played Creeper a.k.a. The Hamburger Pimp delivers the best and most believable performance of a crackhead ever. Better than Pookie from New Jack City and the "I'll suck yo dick" crackhead from Menace To Society. That's right. Creeper is the gold standard.


Direction/Production - Neither movie sets the world on fire in these departments. Witness the many instances the boom mike appears in the shot during Dolemite vs. the slick moving car shots in PWS. They were made just two years apart, but that time seems to make all the difference. Petey wins again.


Costume/Set Design - Dolemite wins for costumes hands-down. Any man in his right mind would be jealous of Rudy Ray Moore in this movie, not only for his hoes but for his pimp suits as well. For the same token, the set design in the second film is way better...chalk that one up to better production, and a likely higher budget. By the way, Rudy Ray Moore is listed as the set designer on Dolemite, telling you all you need to know there. This one's a tie.


Action/Violence - Both movies have roughly the same amount of "martial arts" scenes, which are silly yet entertaining. Past that, Dolemite is a lot more violent. Except for one scene in PWS involving gangstas with machine guns taking out an entire crowd of mourners at a funeral, most of the truly bloody scenes appear in the first film. Also, the credits of Dolemite thank Chuck Norris; this movie is the winner.


Comedy - They're both so friggin hilarious, it's difficult to pick. Ultimately, PWS wins due to it's better production and story, not to mention how absurd the Devil's minions look: skinny-ass black dudes with afros, horns, and variously colored tights chasing the protagonists around the whole time.


Nudity - A no-contest victory for Dolemite, where you'll find titties all over the place. PWS was a major disappointment in this department; there was only one quick orgy scene right at the end. Plus, Rudy Ray Moore lost a considerable amount of weight between 1975 and '77, meaning his own boobs were a lot larger in the first movie. Titties abound, I'll tell you!


Music - The score for both was pretty damn funky. What puts Petey over the top is the original music recorded for it, which was more excellent than that of Dolemite. I recommend looking some of this shit up.


Lasting Influence - Dolemite. It may have lost many of the previous categories, but it came first and remains the biggest franchise of Rudy Ray Moore's many blaxploitation classics.


Overall Enjoyment - PWS made up in quality and cohesiveness what it lacked in violence and nudity as compared to its earlier counterpart. It was just better.


Conclusion - If you're keeping track, Petey took this one 7-4. Both movies are pretty similar, with Rudy Ray Moore playing essentially the same silly but endearing character, and in a similar storyline. Dolemite gets major props for coming first and setting the standard for future success. An unfortunate side-effect of this is the people in charge didn't have nearly as good a handle on what makes a movie good than they did in later films. There are numerous hilarious scenes in both, like when Scarface Willie, one of the main villains in PWS, sees Petey resurrected by the Devil for the first time and shits himself. Classic. So classic, in fact, that Lil Wayne chose his rap name from graffiti placed prominently in the final scene of Petey Wheatstraw. I recommend both movies to you guys. Check them out, and check this bonus trailer for The Human Tornado below. Enjoy!

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

"Oh by the way, Richard Simmons called. He wants his ___ back."

Hair (0%)
Shorts (18.2%)
Sequins (36.4%)
Gay (45.5%)

You people amaze me. I throw up some suggestive imagery and nearly half of you were successfully swayed to vote the way I wanted you to. Are you sheep? Puppets, perhaps? Shuppets. That's what I'm going to call you. Richard Simmons can't take his gay back from you. That's impossible, silly gooses! The correct answer we were looking for was shorts. Sequins was also acceptable. No one else on earth has hair like Richard Simmons so that wasn't an acceptable answer either. Tsk tsk... Try to do better next time, ok shuppets? All right.

*************

This week we are attempting to determine who the dorkiest fanboys are. This is an even tougher decision than last week. Don't hurt yourselves.

Drunken Orson Welles Champagne Commercial

I have tears in my eyes. Check out the :50 mark..."Muahaaaaaaa the French."

Random Thought

I'm not too familiar with Quiet Riot; I never liked hair metal very much. With that said, this may have already come to fruition for all I know. They should have called one of their albums Diet Schmiet. Perhaps they could have a reunion. They're probably old as shit by now and possibly very fat. Maybe they could don fat suits if they're not fat. Think about it: the cd cover is a picture of a bunch of old fat dudes rocking the fuck out, and at the top it says Quiet Riot Diet Schmiet. Yeah.

Monday Morning Asshole

I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall again on Sunday. This was the second time this weekend -- as has already been mentioned, I really like this movie. Anyway, this week's Monday Morning Asshole installment will be based on my experience there. First, I'd like to apologize for two things. One, because I left y'all hangin' last Monday with no new Assholes to loathe. Two, because this is the second asshole-in-a-movie-theater related MMA. Not very original, I know, but yesterday's case is just as worthy as the first. Allow me to explain.

The movie began at 3:25pm on 4/20. This is a movie that has done well at the box office so far and whose content is popular amongst the stoner crowd. Needless to say, the theater was more packed than usual. I actually ended up sitting in the back row directly behind two people, which would break my own strict social more rules had it not been for the fact that seats were scarce when I got there, thus nullifying any more through sheer necessity. A short time later, four girls entered and made their way to the back of the theater, in my general direction. They entered my row, walked down past a few other people, and...sat directly next to me. I couldn't fucking believe it. The one chick was literally to my immediate left. Had someone glanced in my direction they would have rightly assumed we were all together; it was me and four chicks.

I've mentioned that the theater was full. Allow me some further clarification: it was full, but not packed to capacity. Especially in the back row where I was, there were open seats. In fact, these girls made a conscious decision to sit next to me because there were still three or four open seats past where the one furthest from me sat, meaning we clearly did not need to be on top of one another. What was the thought process? I guess I just don't understand people.

These girls were high schoolers. It was dark, but they seemed attractive. They were stoned and made 4/20 references intermittently throughout the film. I feel like for most guys (yes, even those my age), this would be viewed as fortuitous. Yet, for two hours, all I could think about was why they sat next to me. To make matters worse, they talked throughout, there were several fielded cellphone calls, their laughs were horrid. The list went on. I had the feeling most guys would have engaged in some sort of conversation, at the very least for the slim hope they would have received a handjob right there in the back row. Honestly, the experience ruined the movie for me. I actually began to question my convictions. Why am I so different than my own perception of a normal guy? For these injustices done upon me, you four girls are officially bestowed this week's dubious distinction. Congratulations Foxy High School Girls Whom I Should Have Engaged In Conversation For The Slim Hope Of Receiving A Handjob, you are all assholes.

Ruthie from 7th Heaven is 18

Mackenzie Rosman turned 18 almost four months ago. I must be slipping because I'm just finding this out now. She was always my favorite character on the show. I feel like a proud parent watching his child grow up! I wonder if she'll uphold the Camden family values, or go the way of Lindsay Lohan and company. What's the over/under for the number of months until nipple slip and/or upskirt pictures hit les internets? I'm going with six. Whaddaya say there, kids? Perhaps we could start a Can I Live? Mackenzie Rosman Nipple Slip Pool. In fact, I'm in for $10 on six months. Done and done.

Happy 420

It's been some time since I've even sampled some ish, but I know a lot of you cats don't currently have that problem. So here's to all of you, on this, one of the most important holidays of the year! Enjoy some old school B-Sons on me.

Bastard Sons - E'ery Day

Jay Electronica

I know, I just posted. I'm done listening to Oasis and this shit came on randomly. I'm pretty sure you haven't heard of him. Check out this song and tell me dude isn't the second coming. This song is produced by Mr. Porter, who's easily becoming the second most successful member of D12 after Eminem since Proof died (R.I.P.), though it should be pointed out Jay Electronica has no affiliation with D12; Mr. Porter's branching out like that. The whole thing's off the hook, but especially listen to Jay's rhymes at the 2:17 mark. Fire! Please leave comments. I'm interested to hear your thoughts. And if you do dig I can provide many more tracks upon request. Just get in touch.

Jay Electronica - Hard To Get (feat. Mr. Porter)

Much Ado About Nothing

The subtitle of this post should be "The Story Of My Life" but that's too depressing content-wise for this otherwise joyful blog. I chose the main title because I'm bored and just feel like typing. Mostly my posts have a purpose but isn't this the point of blogging, to get one's raw feelings out on "paper"? I guess I don't really care, I'm gonna do it regardless. Right now it's almost 3am Saturday morning. I'm pretty bored. I've been on a Freecell kick, but I'm starting to get a little tipsy to risk my 35-game win streak. Some of you might not know how serious I am about Freecell. In short, I am very serious about it. There's no way not to sound conceited; I'm likely one of the best players you know. Holler.

I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall in the theater tonight. This has got to be the first time in years I've been sober in a movie theater on a weekend night. It was well worth it though. The movie was actually extremely good. I expected to like it, but was surprised even still with its high caliber. Judd Apatow's humor isn't for everyone but I do generally like it. Overall, I'd have to say this was better than his others (40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad). It's the perfect blend of raw and romantic comedy. I love this new trend mixing raunchy comedy and gaysha flicks. Beautiful. It's hard to get laugh-out-loud funny nowadays, not often anyway; here you do. I really liked this movie. I'll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD.

Afterward I came home after dropping my friend off. The sheer freedom of being sober enough to drive on a Friday night was exhilarating. Of course, it took me more than 30 minutes to find a parking space in Hoboken at 12:30am. No matter...I was rocking out to Foo Fighters and loving it. Speaking of which, I'm listening to a live Oasis CD right now. Fuck those who sleep on Oasis. They're my favorite band. Both groups are headlining the Virgin Festival Toronto in September. I'm definitely going...but I also plan on posting a summer music schedule once all lineups are announced. There are several noteworthy dates. Hopefully it'll mobilize some of you to come along. There's nothing like a life-changing music experience, right? Stay tuned for that post.

I got home and made myself a drink. Relaxed, tooled around on les internets, drank my vodka and juice....repeated steps. This is my life. It's not hard to see why I'm so bored. Will someone please entertain me??? I'll just drink and post randomness on this blog until then. It's not so depressing though...I just realized raspberry vodka livens up my orange-strawberry-banana cocktail more than regular vodka. Exciting times.

Gulliest child EVAR!!!

Friday Bad Ideas: Open-Toed Shoes

UGH!!! I love how women think they're being all cutesy wearing this shit. Newsflash: you are not cute. Your feet are fucking disgusting. Do you know what type of people have foot fetishes? Degenerates and sexual deviants. Is that really the caliber of man you want to attract with your choice of footwear? I wouldn't.

Then there's the bullshit argument women make that they dress for themselves, not us men. Save it. I'm not buying what you're selling. Here is the pecking order for how women base their fashion decisions:

1. To rope in a decent man for marriage
2. To impress and ultimately out-do other women in the never ending battle to achieve Objective #1
3. To make themselves happy

Notice how the person making the decision to wear these atrocities is last in the pecking order? It's simple human psychology. Women place status above their own true happiness. Therefore, the argument mentioned above is not true.

And don't get me started on men wearing sandals. Hippies and jocks, the lot of them. Hey asshole, throw away those Birkenstocks. Nobody wants to see your feet. If I can hardly stand to look at women's feet, imagine how this makes me feel. Guys often make the argument that their feet get too hot in warmer weather so they need to wear flip flops. This is an interesting window into men's psyches, attempting to use utility as an excuse. Nice try, fellas, but I'm still not buying it. No one's feet get that hot that open-toed shoes become utility. Quit yer bellyachin' and put on some fucking sneakers.

A cursory Google search on today's topic led me to this. At surface level I imagine this is amusing to those who are pro-sandal. To me though, it is horrifying. If one needs all these rules and regulations for doing something as unnecessary as sporting sandals, perhaps it's time to scrap the idea entirely. The whole thing makes no sense! Damn I hate you people. If I have a daughter (god forbid), you can bet your ass Yum Yum Gumdrop Vermin will not be allowed to wear open-toed shoes under any circumstances. I'd rather chop off her feet Kunta Kinte style. In fact, I'd like to pass a universal mandate banning these evil things now and forever. The punishment for breaking this law is foot amputation. There would be catty, jealous women chasing men around on stumps all over the place...Sigh, the future sure is bleak. Thanks for nothing, sandals.

New Muxtape

Muxtape is all the rage nowadays. Have you seen it? If not, I have two things for you: 1) Trust me it is, and 2) What rock have you been living under? Whatever. I decided to give it the ol' college try, as they say. Check it out here and enjoy!

Iron Mic: Eli Porter vs. Envy

Chances are you've seen this already since I'm about a hundred years too late posting it in les internets time. In fairness, my boy Jim sent me this before it blew up all over the place early this week. Friggin hilarious...enjoy.

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

Yes, I know I've been notably absent recently. And yes, I also know there was no Monday Morning Asshole this week. I apologize; I've been out of town since Friday evening. Relax, kids! In fact, despite still being on the road, I'm blogging to you on the go so as to not miss out on our Wednesday ritual. Take that, selfish! Anywho...last week was another one of those "reader response" surveys. Here are the results:

Movie review (16.7%)
Music review (8.3%)
Political/Religious post (8.3%)
Sports post (8.3%)
Drunken rant (58.3%)

There you have it. The results are pretty cut and dried, though I did predict last week that each choice would get some love. Each choice did, but more than half of you fools want to see a drunken rant from yours truly. You're going to get it. Here's the scoop: sometime soon I will plan to get super drunk (no great stretch there, I'll admit), come home and have this shit already set up for some drunken blogging goodness. The goal here is to gain an inner look into the psyche of someone who is blackout drunk. I don't even want to know where I am when I'm blogging, let alone be aware I'm doing it. I'm not going to have a predetermined topic set up either. We'll be flying by the seat of our collective pants. Hope it works out. It should be interesting either way so keep an eye out for that.

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I'd like to flip the script this week visa vi (sic?) my poll. Rather than continuing along the reader response path, I'm gonna change things up a bit. I want you all to read the following question and fill in the blank most appropriate to you: "Oh by the way, Richard Simmons called. He wants his ______ back." As in past weeks, your answers are of supreme importance. Vote often, and to quote Babu from Seinfeld, "tell your friends!"

Random Thought

I like to root for the hot chick when watching Wheel Of Fortune. If she wins the game I get to see her lower half. If she gets the grand prize she jumps up and down. Everyone wins!

Friday Bad Ideas

It is currently 1:22 ante meridiem, and I am DISGUSTED. Typically, one of two things happens when I'm wine-drunk: 1) I am extremely happy; 2) I am VERY ANGRY. Ninety-five times out of one hundred it is the former. Tonight it is the latter. I hate being angry. It upsets me. Yet, being the cockeyed optimist that I am, I can't help but find the silver lining here. Being angry has spawned the idea for my third weekly column: Friday Bad Ideas. That's right, along with Monday Morning Asshole and Weekly Poll Wednesdays comes Friday Bad Ideas. That's three weekday excuses alone to check out Can I Live? You're no doubt wondering what has made me so upset. Well I'll tell you. Ketchup. I mean, look at it:

Of all the pompous condiments, this one takes the cake. Goddamn you, ketchup. I hate you. "Hi, my name's ketchup. I'm the only non-sweet condiment or spread made from fruit. There's no end to the haughty phrases found on my label. I have the audacity to involve myself in American politics." Ketchup proclaims myriad additional bullshit, but I nearly had an embolism just quoting him (It?) If you disagree with me, go ahead and take a look in your refigerator. There are only two acceptable bases for condiments:

1. Seeds
2. Fat

I'll be the first to admit that I'm no genius (clinically speaking, that is) but as I peruse the aforementioned list I don't see "fruit" or "vinegar" anywhere on it, prompting my proclamation that ketchup is a fraud. Need extra coaxing? How about Ketchup's alternative spelling, "Catsup." Is there anything more gay that that? Not that there's anything wrong with homosexualtiy, to borrow from Seinfeld. My only point is that there is something wrong with ketchup. It's simply un-American, at best. Don't use it!

Bonus Bad Idea: Prematurely voting off Michael Johns from American Idol. Seriously, America? First it's your love affair with ketchup, and now you've ousted Michael Johns? Results of my Weekly Poll Wednesdays from two weeks ago left me wondering if al Qaeda had been tampering with these votes as a means of destroying wholesome American culture -- they're trying to extinguish our way of life! I sincerely hope that's not true, but who's to say for sure. After all, there's no way intelligent, red-blooded Americans would toss Michael Johns before the likes of Kristy Lee Cook and Syesha Mercado. Right? I know my homegirl Deuce feels me on this one.

Oh well. Let's resolve ourselves to taking the good along with the bad, shall we? Nice. Still, nothing cleanses like a good venting session. I'd love to hear from you kids, especially you, Deuce. What do you think of Johns' early exit? Or ketchup, for that matter? Leave some comments and let your voices be heard. I'd like to end this inaugural Friday Bad Ideas on a positive note. Here is the beauty that is Michael Johns. Enjoy.

Michael Johns - Don't You (Forget About Me)

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

Last week's poll was the first reader response survey I've put up. The idea being that your responses will help shape the content of this website. I linked to three songs and asked you to select the beat Corleone would use for his next song. Here are the results:

Cypress Hill - Shoot Em Up (16.7%)
The Knux - Cappuccino (50%)
MF Doom - Saffron (33.3%)

There you have it. The Knux wins pretty definitively. I find this funny because this is the beat I would have chosen. Yet I figured it'd come in last since nobody knows these guys while Cypress Hill and MF Doom are pretty popular. I'm gonna hopefully get in the studio with Corleone next week sometime to lay down this track. Hopefully I'll be able to post it shortly thereafter. Here's the song you selected, for those who didn't bother to listen the first time around or are too lazy to go back and find the original post:

The Knux - Cappuccino

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This week is more reader response queries. What's the good word, people? Tell me what you want out of Can I Live? For the second week in a row I will not attempt to steer the poll in any particular direction to elicit a specific response. Any of these choices are worthy of your selection. It will be interesting to see what's chosen.

Indians take over Youtube

I've been on a bit of a Youtube kick lately, but I don't care. If I come across something I feel you need to see, then damnit, I'm going to post it! Up first is Indian Thriller:



And I'll throw in some "Little Superstar" just for good measure:



Ah, fuck it. Finally, here is some Indian Superman for you guys! Bonus: Indian Superman's girlfriend is Indian Spiderwoman... Gully!



Double Bonus: Turkish Superman!!!

"Apache! HAHAHAHA!"

Top 10 CDs of 2007

Music is terrible nowadays. We're at an all-time low. It used to be one could hardly scratch one's balls without first brushing aside some awesome music. Now a muhfucka's got to search far and wide to find some hot shit. This point is perfectly illustrated by the fact that I could only come up with 17 worthy candidates for this list, and one of them technically came out in 2006! Before I reveal said list, I'd like to make something clear. This is not a list of my favorite albums, like the still forthcoming Top 25 favorite CDs list I keep talking about. These ten discs are the best to come out from last year. It is not my opinion; it is my fact.

For that reason, you will not find any hipster bullshit on here. There is no The Shins on my list. You will not be able to locate Okkervil River, mostly because I don't know if Okkervil River is a band or one person. If it's the latter, what kind of first name is Okkervil? For the same token, you will not find any Lil Wayne mixtapes. Dirty South hip hop is garbage. On to the list...

1. Incubus - Light Grenades
2. Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
3. Pharoahe Monch - Desire
4. R.S. Foster - You Stole My Jiggy
5. Little Brother - Getback
6. 9th Wonder - The Dream Merchant Vol. 2
7. The White Stripes - Icky Thump
8. Ghostface - The Big Doe Rehab
9. Talib Kweli - Eardrum
10. Redman - Red Gone Wild

Bonus jam from my man Foster below. Bastard Sons doin' big things this year. Enjoy.

R.S. Foster - Oh Foster You Don't Know!!

Random question

Sometimes I smell peanut butter for no reason, like there's peanut butter inside my nose. Am I the only one?

Monday Morning Asshole

Boy, were there a lot of candidates for this week's installment of Monday Morning Asshole! James Dolan was a strong possibility, though I should probably devote a separate post to the agony that is being a Knicks fan. Then there was the asshole who got me and my friends forcibly removed from the bar Saturday night. But in fairness, I did ask his girlfriend why she would date such a douche bag. You know how jocks get when they're drunk... Anyway, I found my asshole of the week at the movies of all places.

I went to the theater by myself for the first time yesterday. I'm selling my home and needed to be out for awhile as potential buyers surveyed the place. So I drive down to the theater without bothering to look at movie times. Turns out the only thing I could see without having to wait an hour or more was Shutter. I bought my ticket without even knowing what it was about or who was in it. The movie starred Joshua Jackson, of Dawson's Creek fame, and ended up being pretty crappy (I know, the second half of that sentence repeated the first).

Because it was early, the theater was empty. I was literally the only one in there for about twenty minutes. The previews began and I was all excited I might actually be completely alone in a movie theater. Alas, it was not meant to be as this guy (henceforth referred to as "Asshole") and his son came in. Alright, no big deal I thought. But wouldn't you know it? Asshole and his son sat directly behind me. The theater is completely empty. There are probably a few hundred seats available and this fucking toolbox reaches the conclusion it would be a good idea to sit within two feet of the only other living being in the room. I. Was. Furious. And to make matters worse, they talked throughout the whole movie!

Those of you who know me are well aware of my hatred for those refusing to adhere to basic social mores. Asshole, you broke two of the cardinal rules! You don't talk in movie theaters, and you DEFINITELY don't go anywhere near another person in an empty theater, bus, train, restroom, etc. I really wanted to say something, but there were factors at play preventing me from doing so, not least of which was that I was rather hungover and Asshole was rather large. So I sat there for 90 minutes listening to the inane meanderings of an imbecile and his child. Why didn't I get up and move, you ask? Fuck that. I strategically chose the seat I was in because I judged it to be optimal for my viewing experience. Furthermore, I should not have to be the one to turn my fucking life upside down for these goddamn people. They fucked up, let them make the change. An hour and a half of Joshua Jackson, a poorly written horror movie (sans boobies, no less), an invasion of my personal space, and an assault of my aural senses...fucking frustrating. Congratulations Asshole, you are an asshole!

Predator Jam!!!

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!! ("Better Late Than Never" Edition)

Ok I need to make this quick. Last week, we discovered what the world thought of American Idol. The results were surprising. Despite being America's highest rated television show, more than half the respondents said American Idol sucks. Of those pro-AI, only the two Davids received votes. Check the results below:

Brooke White (0%)
Carly Smithson (0%)
David Archuleta (7.1%)
David Cook (35.7%)
Other (0%)
American Idol sucks (57.1%)

If AI truly is this country's most watched show, yet last week's poll played out the way it did, one can only assume foul play was involved. Now I'm not directly implicating al Qaeda or Osama bin Laden in any of this, but would it really be that surprising? Sweet baby James, these heathens will stop at nothing to bring the American way of life to its knees!

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The new poll is more of a reader response sort of thing. We here at Can I Live? care to know what you, the reader, wants out of this site. So in the first of many reader response themed surveys, please answer the following: Which of these three beats would you most like Corleone to spit hot fire over? (Ed. note: Corleone is one half of the rapping duo Bastard Sons, and is my alter ego). Corleone will take the winning beat into the studio; the musical result will be posted on this site shortly thereafter. I've linked to each song below. Peep it...

Cypress Hill - Shoot Em Up

The Knux - Cappuccino

MF Doom - Saffron

Improv Everywhere

This shit is right up my alley. Props to Reba for the find.

I am not a homophobe!

I woke up this morning to find my inbox flooded with angry and threatening emails from homosexual organizations around the globe. All this is in response to my post from Monday that included a picture of the Easter Bunny saying "Gaaaayyyy!!!" Some emails have threatened physical harm against my person, some have alluded to legal action against Can I Live? and its proprietors, all have been upsetting to me personally. To those people I have offended, especially members of NAMBLA (www.nambla.org), I sincerely apologize. I am in no way homophobic or otherwise prejudiced against any group of people based on race, religion, creed, sexual orientation, etc. Please do not sue me. Or kill me. Below is a video I'd like to post as a show of good faith. Hopefuly we can all put this behind us. First, some unrelated administrative points I need to address:

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I will keep everyone posted on any future developments in this matter as they arise. As for Weekly Poll Wednesdays, unfortunately you'll have to wait until at least tomorrow afternoon/evening as I will not be able to have this ready in the morning as per usual protocol. Also, make sure to bookmark Can I Live? if you have not done so already. Beginning next week I will be unleashing my weeklong Top 25 Favorite Rap CDs extravaganza! Now on to the video...

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