Friday, May 23, 2008

Programming Note


That's it for me kids, for two weeks anyway. I'll try to post something from Italy but I'm making no promises. The pic above has nothing to do with anything, I just find it hilarious. Check out the post below as well as the bunch of other shit I put up these last two days. See ya!

Summer Music Festivals



Rock The Bells - Jones Beach Theater, NY Sun. 8/3
Click the picture above. Can you fucking believe this lineup?!? I went last year and had the time of my life. Only problem this year is its not general admission. So anyone who wants to go, we'd have to buy tickets together. I get back from Italy on 6/7. Let's buy tickets after that. Anyone from out of twon who wants to go, you have a free place to stay. Let's make this happen.

http://www.guerillaunion.com/rockthebells/

All Points West - Liberty State Park, Jersey City Fri-Sun. 8/8-8/10
This festival is literally one mile from where I live. Again, come on out and you can crash at my place. It's three days, but you can buy one day passes. Check out the lineup below...pretty sick.

http://www.apwfestival.com/event/lineup

Virgin Festival Toronto - Sat-Sun. 9/6-9/7
Foo Fighters headline Saturday and Oasis headlines Sunday. I already bought my ticket for this. I'm so friggin excited I can't take it!

http://www.virginfestival.ca/toronto/

These are the three I'm interested in, but I'm sure there are tons more. What do you people want to see? School me. Also, get in touch about these ones too. Don't make excuses...life's too short to complain about trivial shit like money.

Lefting the ship?


It's a little after 10:30am and I just woke up. All the lights are on and my itunes is going on repeat. I've shaken off the cobwebs and have now realized I failed to make good on my promise. Apparently, it's tough to be responsible and all that after downing a bottle of scotch. I was really looking forward to seeing what's in the furthest recesses of my mind. Oh well, another time I suppose. The worst part of all this is I just found my glass from last night. It's a third of the way full. I didn't even officially finish the bottle. Fucking sissy.

Post Script: Congratulations Raz on all your accomplishments. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. It's a slippery slope, trust me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Righting the ship



A while back one of my polls asked readers to choose what you wanted from this site. Out of all the choices, drunken rant won easily. In typical fashion, I ignored my responsibility. This has been my modus operandi for too long. It's time to right this ship! With that said, I've decided tonight is the night to make good on my promise. I've been drinking scotch since 3:45pm EST. Once I finish the bottle, it's off to work I go. There's no set idea for the post; I'll be flying by the seat of my pants. So look out for that later on tonight or tomorrow morning, and here's to hoping I can get my goddamn act together. Cheers.

Bi-Monthly Poll Thursdays!!!

The new poll is supposed to go up on Wednesdays. Yes, I'm aware. I haven't really been able to post as often as I'd like due to some unforeseen life snafus. Deal with it. Anyway, this poll is going to last two weeks because I'm going to Italy for two weeks, effective tomorrow night, and won't be able to update the site. For this reason, I've selected an extremely thought-provoking topic and thrown in some curveballs for good measure. More on that later.

Very interesting poll this past week. What would happen if we put several of the world's most contentious leaders in the ring at the same time and let them duke it out? Global conflict should be this easy, shouldn't it? The results:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (10%)
George W. Bush (50%)
Hugo Chavez (35%)
Kim Jong Il (5%)

Some of you expressed trepidation over Bush's victory. Perhaps favoritism is at play? Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez appears to be the worthiest of adversaries. A lot of you felt he would emerge victorious, likely in the the school of thought that Hispanics are wily, and fight dirty. Alas, tis not the case. I cannot tell you why Bush won, only that he did. Our fearless leader, for those of us lucky enough to live in America, prevailed in a close decision. For what it's worth, I agree with the outcome. Many of you are anti-Bush, and it's understandable. However, you should be cautioned before siding against him in a battle royale. Say what you want about Bush politically, but physically he is the most fit president this country's ever had. He is getting older now, but no older than his competition. Plus he's from Texas. I believe W would be the last man standing.

***********************

I have a tough one for you guys this week. What would you most like our next president to address upon taking office? There are several choices, and each one is a pressing issue -- both for this country and the world as a result. I deem all choices to be of the utmost importance. Selecting one over another will be a difficult task. Luckily, that's where my curveball comes in. For this poll, you can choose up to 3 responses. This is going to take a lot of thought on your part, but fortunately you have two weeks to decide. Think long and hard. And remember, one person CAN make a difference. Let your voices be heard!

How 'bout some intellectual substance, for a change?

Roles of Africans in the Exploitation of the Americas


Slavery has been a key facet in the development of almost every major civilization since history has been recorded. Though it has not necessarily conformed to today’s views of what slavery is, it was around in various forms during the empires of antiquity, and throughout each century since. With the discovery of the New World in the fifteenth century came the needed manpower to facilitate the economies of these newly formed European colonies. For many reasons, this burden fell upon Africans. Slavery, however, is certainly not the only role played by Africans in the exploitation of the Americas. In researching this topic in both readings and from lectures, it is evident that the role of Africans can be broken down into four sections: slavery being the obvious primary role, followed by three secondary roles. These are as auxiliary slaves, black conquistadors, and the integral role played by Africans in the colonial wars of the period. Each of the four will be discussed separately, and also in an interrelated fashion.

When it became evident that the imperial powers in the New World needed manpower to work on their plantations, Africa was not the first place Europeans looked. The initial choice was to simply enslave the currently existing natives and put them to work. It was quickly found that slaves would have to come from elsewhere. Native Amerindians were highly susceptible to European diseases, especially smallpox. Between these diseases and casualties resulting from the conquests necessary for their suppression, soon there were not enough natives to sustain efficient running of the plantations. Depopulation amongst natives was so rapid that “seventy five percent were gone within one hundred fifty years of the European invasion” (Dyreson).

The first attempt at an alternative was to use white Europeans. These were often the destitute of society, including convicts and the poor. The manpower problem still remained unsolved, however, when Europeans quickly found that their own kind could not withstand the hot, sticky climate of South America and the Caribbean. The imperial powers of Europe hit a goldmine of labor force when they began to export Africans into the newly formed colonies. “Africans proved to be admirable workers, strong enough to survive the heat and hard work on sugar, coffee, or cotton plantations or in mines, in building fortresses or merely acting as servants; and, at the same time, they were good-natured and usually docile” (Thomas). And what further strengthened the slave trade was the willingness of the strong, Muslim West African kingdoms to capture and sell the much weaker West-Central Africans to the Europeans. Without having to worry about capturing their own slaves, Europeans could now concentrate all their efforts on the growth and prosperity of their American colonies. This is exemplified in the fact that “Europeans didn’t colonize Africa until before the nineteenth century, or participate in the internal slave trade; only two to three percent of slaves were captured by Europeans” (Frederick).

What became known as the “Middle Passage,” or the slave route taken by ships passing between Africa and the Americas, was a treacherous journey to say the least. Newly enslaved Africans were subjected to some of the most inhuman conditions possible while aboard the ships. Many died as a result. The estimated twelve million that survived the journey were sent off all throughout the New World. While many were sent to work on British (and later American) plantations in Virginia, Georgia and the Carolinas, these slaves were but a small minority of the African slave population. “Brazil alone took thirty eight percent of the slaves, the Caribbean Islands forty percent. Saint Domingue (the French name for Española) received twice as many African slaves as the thirteen colonies and later the United States” (Crosby). Once they had arrived at their final destinations, most slaves were put to work in the fields or in mines. “Most of the great enterprises of the first four hundred years of colonization owed much to African slaves: sugar in Brazil and later the Caribbean; rice and indigo in South Carolina and Virginia; gold in Brazil and, to a lesser extent, silver in Mexico; cotton in the Guianas and later in North America; cocoa in what is now Venezuela; and above all, in clearing of land ready for agriculture” (Thomas). The only thing Mr. Thomas seems to have left out in his breakdown of the African slaves’ contribution is an important one: tobacco, which would weigh heavily on both the European and world markets and later play a major role in the United States Civil War.

Although slavery was the primary role of Africans of the time period, it was not the only role. Spaniards were the first to bring slaves to the Americas. They “ran few plantations compared to other European colonies, so most Spanish American slaves were auxiliaries in skilled intensive, or permanent tasks” (Frederick). These auxiliary slaves certainly do not fit the popular billing of what slaves were. They were not treated in the same way, nor did they necessarily perform the same tasks as traditional slaves of the British colonies. For this reason, a distinction is made and a second role of Africans in the Americas is formed. Culturally speaking, these auxiliary slaves were much different from the West Central Africans who were plucked from their villages and sold into bondage. Many of them had already been acculturated to European ways. They were “more likely to be already Christian. Many were ‘Hispanized’ and could even be from Europe.” Unlike the non-auxiliary slaves, “most were urban slaves; by 1750, ten to twenty five percent of the population in Spanish cities were black” (Frederick). Due to these cultural differences from the stereotypical Africans, Spanish auxiliary slaves were able to enjoy a greater sense of freedom than did their counterparts. For instance, “they formed their own religious brotherhoods, guilds, and social organizations.” There were even some rural African communities” in the colonies (Frederick).

Along with the cultural differences of auxiliary slaves came differences in terms of how they were treated as it pertained to the law. Spanish law stated that a slave must be allowed to set a fair price for his own freedom. A slave could go to his owner and bargain for his freedom. In essence, the agreed-upon amount between a slave and owner would be the amount owed to the owner for the slave to buy himself. The existence of this Spanish law made room for a third role of Africans in the Americas: the black conquistador. Many auxiliaries gained “probanzas” from their masters; literally Spanish for “proofs.” These were papers proving that the person holding them were not runaway slaves, but in fact still owned by the issuer. They were given out so that the auxiliaries could safely go out and serve as soldiers in the conquests.

Being a conquistador was risky business. They were thrust into many dangerous situations conquering lands and peoples in the name of the Crown. For black slaves and free whites alike, the opportunity to get rich was attractive enough to place their lives on the line. So, in this way, black conquistadors were able to buy their freedom. “Under the Spanish and Portuguese crowns, at least, the descendants of free Blacks enjoyed equality with Whites before the law” (Fernández-Armesto). Though it is not popular to hear of black conquistadors buying their freedom and making a name for themselves, there were at least a few noteworthy examples. “Juan Valiente was a black conquistador who bought his freedom and gained an encomienda”, which was a land grant given from the Spanish crown for fighting and increasing Spanish territories to start a plantation (Frederick). He moved to Chile in 1540 after receiving it. Juan Garrido was another noteworthy conquistador. “This conquistador-companion of (Hernando) Cortés had seen Tenochtitlán submit, made an expedition to California, and was custodian for his fellow-citizens of the aqueduct of Chapultepec which supplied Mexico City with water (Fernández-Armesto). It was great men like these who inspired many slaves to become conquistadors in an attempt to buy their own freedom.

The fourth and final role played by Africans was the colonial wars of the Americas they took part in. Aside from the black conquistadors who had fought natives in the name of the imperial powers that owned them, many Africans played major roles in colonial wars against other imperial powers as well as in colonial uprisings and revolutions against their own mother country. Many served, for instance, in “Brazil’s War of Divine Liberty against Dutch invaders from 1644 to 1654” (Fernández-Armesto). In addition, the revolutions and upheavals they took part in changed the face of the colonial Americas.

The Haitian Revolution represents the most thorough case study of revolutionary change anywhere in the history of the modern world. In ten years of sustained internal and international warfare, a colony populated predominantly by plantation slaves overthrew both its colonial status and its economic system and established a new political state of entirely free individuals – with some ex-slaves constituting the new political authority. The impact of the Haitian Revolution was both immediate and widespread (Knight).
The impact was so widespread that an argument can be made that the Haitian Revolution sparked the beginning of the end for all imperial powers in the New World.

There can be no qualms as to the importance of the roles Africans played in the Americas. There is ample proof that they were not simply slaves, but auxiliary skilled servants, conquistadors, and soldiers at war. At the dawn of the colonial era, history saw European imperial powers taking shape and forming new ties on a global scale. “However strong the pioneer spirit in the metropolitan bases of early-modern empires, the home countries were insufficiently well populated to supply the labour needs of their colonies themselves.” As a result, “slaves became essential to the sustaining of colonial enterprise…” (Fernández-Armesto). Even though this is an extremely pertinent quote, instead it should read “Africans became essential,” for their various roles played in the exploitation of the Americas shaped the western hemisphere, culture, and history as we know it.


Works Cited
  1. Frederick, Jake. History 11 lectures. Penn State University. February 27, 2002 and March 11, 2002.
  2. Dyreson, JoDee. History 2 lecture. Penn State University. January 10, 2002.
  3. Thomas, Hugh. “The Transatlantic Slave Trade.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 146-48.
  4. Crosby, Alfred W. “Infectious Disease and the Demography of the Atlantic Peoples.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 174-74.
  5. Fernández-Armesto, Felipe. “Africans, the Involuntary Colonists.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 185, 190.
  6. Knight, Franklin W. “The Haitian Revolution.” The Atlantic World in the Age of Empire. Ed. Thomas Benjamin, Timothy Hall, David Rutherford. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company. 2001. 227, 233.

Jay-Z: Friend Or Foe '98

I know, updates have been lackluster this past week. Suffice to say I've been going through some shit and let's leave it at that. Lots more coming in the next day, I promise.

In the meantime, enjoy this little-seen video from Jigga and Preemo. This marks the 10 year anniversary of this album. Listening to it, I can't help but wonder how the game would've changed had Hov and DJ Premier collaborated more often. Enjoy, and check back late tonight/tomorrow morning for several new posts.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Summer concert series


Summertime means a lot of things, and summer concerts are definitely chief among them. I don't know about you fruits, but I'm super pumped for several of them. This is going to be a great couple of months for music. Check it out:

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

Last week's poll was probably the most interesting since I started doing them back in March. There's always a lot of divisiveness when it comes to the subject of religion, and asking people to choose which is the most destructive is no exception. I wanted to leave things open-ended, so each person could reach their own conclusions as to what "destructive" means in this case. The results were nothing short of amazing:

Christianity (61.5%)
Islam (0%)
Judaism (0%)
Atheism (38.5%)

One would think things might have played out a bit differently, given today's geopolitical climate, the war on terror, etc. Yet, there was not one single vote for Islam as the most destructive religion. Nor did Judaism get any love from voters. Perhaps people have underestimated the power Jews wield through their ability to control the media in this country, as well as the United States' suspect allegiance to Israel. No matter, this poll became a two horse race with results knotted at 50-50 for most of the week. I believe those people that selected Atheism simply disagree with saying anything bad about religion in general. But that's just me. In the end, people pointed to the 2000+ years of tyranny, murder, and overall shadiness from our good friends at the Vatican, and rightfully selected Christianity as the most destructive religion. Once, again, that's just my opinion. If I am wrong, let god striketh me down! I'm never wrong though, so I'm not a whole lot worried.

One last thing relating to this subject: One of the very best books I have ever read is god Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens. You may have heard of this; it made waves last year when it came out and has spent quite a bit of time on best seller lists. Hitchens does not come off as preachy at all, which I love. He attacks his targets from all angles using sharp and witty anecdotes, facts, and stories about all the bad religion has done in the world. He devotes time and space to all religions, not just the large ones. I can't say enough about this book. It is truly the most interesting one I've ever read. And best of all, Hitchens respects those who choose to believe, as I do. He simply states his case for his own beliefs. You don't have to be an atheist to read or enjoy it.

*************

From religion to politics. Let's continue in the same vein of poll questions with substance. There's a lot going on in the world; you may have noticed. Us Americans have lots of beef, and lots of people around the world hate us. Shit is going down, man! The world is devolving into one big cluster fuck, and the powers that be across the globe seem to want nothing more than to fuel the fire. Another book I'm reading right now is called Apocalypse 2012, by Lawrence E. Joseph. It illustrates the belief prophesied in several ancient scripture from around the world that the Apocalypse is coming on December 21, 2012. It's important to note that this does not necessarily mean apocalyptic destruction, in a literal sense. It could, but more accurately it is the belief that on that day, the world will take a sudden and meaningful turn. For better or worse, who knows, but all the shit going on right now politically could certainly have something to do with it. If "it" actually happens, that is.

No matter what you believe, you have to admit that odds are good multiple nations will enter into battle at some point soon. And let's face it, most of us don't want that. I know I don't, so here's my proposal. Rather than spending billions of dollars none of us really have to send millions of young men and women to die, let our leaders duke it out themselves in a battle royale...last man standing gets to enact the global policy he would put in place upon victory in war! Here are your participants: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, U.S. President George W. Bush, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. All four men are in the ring at the same time. Last man standing wins. Sounds simple, right? Go ahead and vote then, since this'll obviously never happen in real life. It should though, god damnit. It should.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

This day will live in infamy


That's right. The graphic you're viewing is from none other than 1993's Tecmo Super Bowl -- the greatest video game ever created. And it's real. I, as the Buffalo Bills, did defeat the Cincinnati Bengals 105-0. Thurman Thomas did rumble over those motherfuckers for an unprecedented 938 rushing yards. The amazing thing is I did it on just 30 carries, an astounding 31.26 yards per attempt! Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. Believe me, I'm no stranger to the Tecmo haters. Fortunately, I have a witness in one Mr. J. Beau Razler who can confirm the whole thing. There's no doctoring of photos going on here.

Lots of you enjoyed boasting of your Tecmo prowess. Some even went so far as to claim superiority over yours truly. Fiddlesticks! I have never been defeated in a fully-sanctioned match. Furthermore, I'll suffer no arguments against my use of the Bills in this particular instance. I was utilizing Thurman's skills to exploit Cincy's porous D in order to secure the all-time rushing record. Mission accomplished, bitches. Front if you want to, but you fruits know you could never accomplish such a feat. In fact, I welcome you to try. Here is my halftime stats from that game, for posterity's sake. Click the pictures for a better view of excellence. Gentlemen, it's all right if these graphics excite you in the pants region. It doesn't make you gay*. You're just recognizing my stupendous accomplishment and realizing a Tecmo player with this caliber of skill comes along maybe once a generation. Embrace it. Cherish it. This day will live in infamy!



* - Not that you're not gay. I'm not trying to say that. You definitely are gay, just that the feeling my Tecmo skills give you in your pants region is not what makes you gay. Understand? Okay.

A chance at love


Do you live in Philadelphia? Are you lonely? Perhaps you haven't gotten laid in a minute. Don't fret, there are always ulterior methods to finding love. View this Craigslist post for instance. This gentleman offers companionship, romance, model trains and...imitation crab meat! For many of us, love is a fleeting thing. Its prospect is to be cherished, not trifled with. If you fit the aforementioned description you must take this man up on his offer. I implore you.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Motherfucking Jackpot!


Have you ever been sitting and watching a movie, and thought to yourself how hot the chick on screen is, and wouldn't it be great if she did porn? Don't front, you know you have. Well, I just got finished watching District B13, a rather gully French action flick. I was having those thoughts about the young French chick the entire time, so I went to IMDB to find out who she was. Turns out the actress' name is Dany Verissimo. She hasn't done much by way of real films, but thanks to my fellow pervs in the IMDB message boards, I found out she had a 16-month stint as a pornstar when she was 18! Her porn name is Ally Mac Tyana, apparently in homage to Ally McBeal (I don't know either). How awesome is that, though!?! I mean, you'd never stumble on such a fortuitous happening with an American actress. To quote my boy Orson Welles, "Muahaaaaa, the French!" Ok, that's all. I'm going to go do some more research now.

The Empire Strikes Barack



Here's one more video for the day, even though it's technically Thursday already. Thanks to Joey from Straight Bangin' for the find.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Ignant Bitch on Subway



Video comes courtesy of our friends at http://metallungies.com/

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

The name of the game this week has been silly exclamations. I'm quite fond of them. If you're not, you're stupid. There are many of them, but I only listed four. here's the results:

By the hammer of Thor! (33.3%)
Sweet baby James! (0%)
Great Caesar's ghost! (50%)
Jumpin' Jehosaphat! (16.7%)


By the hammer of Thor! is my personal favorite. Matter of fact, I used to proclaim it rather loudly from my desk while in the office, back when being in an office was something I did. Few people "got" my humor, but I didn't care. Most of those people are already dead and they just don't know it yet. Anyway, a solid number of you disagreed with me. I suspect the reason Great Caesar's ghost! did so well here is because it is the exclamation heard most often amongst the choices in this poll. That's pretty lame. Let's start thinking outside the box, here. Jesus!

The wildcard from last week's WPW installment was the contest to find the best silly exclamation not included in the poll. It was quite a chore sifting through hundreds of responses. Sheesh! After much deliberation, Mister Shambles a.k.a. Shampton is the big winner. The winning exclamation is Heavens to Murgatroid!...fantastic work, Shampton. Let's all give him a round of applause! I told you the winner would get a prize. I have to admit, there is no prize. There never was. Chalk it up to a lesson learned: you can't believe everything you read on les internets. I suppose, in retrospect, that this gem of knowledge is your prize. Cherish it forever.

******************

I think we need to switch things up a bit with this week's question. There's been a string of meaningless polls lately. I'd like to get serious with y'all, if I can. This week we're striving for a consensus on the most destructive religion. Is it Christianity? Islam? Judaism? Are nonbelievers more dangerous than those of faith? Also, how does one define "destructive"? Are we looking at things in terms of body count or how a particular religion shaped its peoples' culture and times? Are recent or historical events weighed more heavily? There are so many questions! I'm not answering them for you, either; this is left open-ended on purpose. Go ahead and vote. Let's start a discussion in the comment thread as well. Also, if you're a religious fanatic and are thinking of killing me, please don't. Thank you.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab

Most of you are no doubt familiar with numerous international hammer games, namely Colombian Hammer Toss and Venezuelan Hammer Catch. If you are not, I strongly suggest you familiarize yourself with them. After all, there is such a thing as culture outside the confines of the United States. Try branching out, for Christ's sake. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce to you another South American pastime. Luckily for us, we have one of their own to explain this game to us.

Editor's note: The following article was written by Alistair, our Southern Hemisphere Blaxploitation Bureau Chief, exclusively for this website.

Rules of Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab:

The two participants stand approximately 8 meters away from each other. The older participant always starts with the hammer. After the traditional opening ceremony of downing a litre of Rossi in 5 minutes, the participants disrobe and take their positions.

The Hammer Catcher leans forward and grabs his/her ankles. The Hammer Wielder takes aim and attempts to lodge the hammer between the ass cheeks of the Hammer Catcher. If the Hammer Catcher falls over or attempts to get out of the way, they are penalized 5 hammer strokes to the kneecap. The process is repeated, changing positions after each throw, until one of the participants reaches 100 points.

Scoring:

1 point: hitting ass crack, no lodge
5 points: lodging handle of hammer in ass crack
10 points: lodging hammer end in ass crack
15 points: lodging claw end in ass crack
50 points: hammer end is embedded in anal cavity
100 points -- Golden ticket: claw end is embedded in anal cavity. Automatic win.

There you have it, folks. Feel free to play at home


Friday, May 2, 2008

Friday Bad Ideas

Friday Bad Ideas: blackout drunk with your mother. It was my birthday yesterday. I went to see my mom (festivities amongst people my own age are on Saturday; I'm not a loser, I swear). We went to dinner and I slept over. Drunken debauchery began early. At dinner, we drank bloody mary's, a bottle of wine, and Sambuca with dessert. Upon our return, I proceeded to polish off two bottles of wine by myself as we watched movies together. Things began to unravel after Nightmare Detective and several episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Quick aside: Nightmare Detective was muy horrible. Like, flabbergastingly horrible. It's a Japanese thriller my mom was interested in seeing. The title alone should have clued us in to the shit show we were about to witness. I wish I could have seen my face as I sat in abject horror for two hours straight for all the wrong reasons. I won't even do this abortion justice by explaining it any further.

Anyway, let's get back to my quest to drink away the pain (relax, Dara). I moved onto whiskey after the wine was finished. I should have realized a move like this would spell disaster, and bring about a swift end to my night. I mean, usually ending one's night with lots of whiskey after a long night of drinking several other types of alcohol has this effect, right? Unfortunately, I was too drunk to notice. It was right around this point when my memory begins to fail me. Luckily for you fruits my mother was awake and sober enough to bear witness. Idiocy includes but is not limited to:
  1. cooking a steak at 5:30am
  2. blasting Bastard Sons
  3. showing my mother this website
  4. fierce air guitaring
  5. forcing my mom to look up 24-hour diners on the internet
  6. inviting my mother to Toronto to see a concert with my friends

The best part about all this is when I woke up this morning on the couch I got up and went to the fridge, and upon noticing my steak was missing, accused my mother of eating it. You should have seen the look on her face. I don't remember any of this. I thank my lucky stars, though, that my mom is cool as shit and has a sense of humor. I'm 27 years old...can you believe it? So yeah, getting blackout drunk in front of your mother? Bad idea.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

It's my birthday (Yaaaaaaayyy!!!)

That's right, the day is upon us. This picture of me frantically masturbating to a Hannah Montana birthday card effectively sums up how excited I am for this weekend. Many of you were certain I wouldn't make it another year. Well, thanks for the motivation. As per usual, spite gets me through. I'll be celebrating in Hoboken this weekend. Anyone who wants to come through on Saturday night is more than welcome to do so. Keep it gangster, kids.