Chainsaw Maid

Weekly Poll Wednesdays!!!

I might have to rename these posts. Clearly I don't have the wherewithal to create and write about new polls each week. What can I say? Perhaps if I had more incentive I could make it happen. Perhaps if you voted more often, I'd be energized to stick to deadlines. That's right, I'm transferring blame onto my reader(s). You're all so selfish. Anyway, onward to the business at hand. Two weeks ago, on the heels of the Saturday Night Live sketches involving Tina Fey's portrayal of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, I posed the question I feel we were all thinking: Which of these two women would maker the better VP of the United States? Palin and her doppelganger, Fey, are so identical that choosing one for the White House is basically a wash. This is my opinion, anyway, but let's take a look at America's response:

Sarah Palin (43.5%)
Tina Fey (56.5%)

So there you have it! The people have spoken. Tina Fey would make a better Veep. Maybe it's the intellectual aura she gives off that has more than half of this great nation convinced. Or maybe it's the Sarah Palin glasses she wears during sketches. Either way it's moot. Just remember that if McCain wins this Tuesday, some of you who voted him in did so knowing full well his second in command plays second fiddle to Tina Fey.

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I was tempted to conduct another politically-minded poll this week given the fact the Superest of all Tuesdays is upon us. Then I remembered most of you don't come here for all this political posturing, and that I'd essentially just be amusing myself. So, in its place enjoy this Halloween-themed poll. I happen to love this holiday. More so, I love horror movies. The question I pose to you is, what is the greatest horror movie franchise of all time? You've all seen these movies, and I know you have an opinion, so just vote. Or die. Vote or die...either or. Enjoy Halloween, bitches!

Top 5 Worst Hangovers

5. Penn State vs. Wisconsin, 2008: The fifth-worst hangover I've experienced occurred this past Sunday, as a result of the previous night's festivities. I was out early on Saturday at a Penn State gathering for the game vs Wisconsin. I got it in my head early on that I wouldn't duplicate the same drink, nor the same type of alcohol, for the rest of the night. Upon proclaiming this, and ordering shots of tequila after I'd already had beer, wine, gin, scotch, and vodka, my friend Kellen warned me I'd "hate myself tomorrow." Boy was he right. Everyone else seemed to have the good sense to call it a night around 11pm, after a good five hours of hard drinking. Not me. I decided it'd be a good idea to stumble across town and go on a Jaeger and Irish car bomb binge until the bar closed at 4am. Next I remembered, I was suffering in bed at 9 o'clock the following morning. The long and short of it is a Sunday defined by my matching vomiting with shitting, four apiece. The cherry on top came when simply brushing my teeth culminated in the fourth and final bout of regurgitation. Good times.

4. New Year's Eve, 1999: Next is the millennium New Year's Eve party I had at the beach house eight years ago. This was the first of many immortal shindigs to go down in south Jersey. We were still young; my dark secret is that I didn't know how to hold my liquor back then. We were only a few months removed from high school and the party had been built up so much. Everything was going without a hitch until the ball dropped. I don't recall much, but I can only assume that so much alcohol was consumed in the first twenty minutes of the new millennium that disaster ensued. What I do know is that I was vomiting face-down in the sand by 12:30. My girlfriend at the time ended up having to take care of me for most of the night as I writhed in pain screaming "What's happening to me?!?" Unlike the previous entry on this list I was not a seasoned veteran. As such, this was not a good time.

3. Prelude to Raz's 40s oz Party, 2007: I don't even recall what went down the night prior to this. What makes it worthy of this list is the shear suffering that took place the following day, also the day of Raz's annual 40-ounce birthday extravaganza. All I know is I entered the previous night planning to take it easy in preparation for the following day's debauchery. Clearly, I should have know better than to think I could control myself. At this time, I still prided myself on the ability to abstain from getting sick the next day as a result of abusive drinking. Sure, it happens to us all from time to time, but up to this point the vast majority of my transgressions occurred near the point of so-called foul and not the next day.
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Friday Bad Ideas

Is it Friday? I'm pretty sure it is, because It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia was on last night. Funniest show on tv, bar none (just saying). So yeah, I guess that makes it time for another installment of Friday Bad Ideas. Here goes...

That picture you see above is of me wearing my T.A.T.U. shirt. That's Teens Against Tobacco Use, not the Russian Lesbian pop music group. Clearly, I'm not a teen. I'm also not against tobacco use, what with my penchant for butt-smoking and all that (no homo). What I am for is irony. It's hilarious! For me, few everyday observances are more humorous than walking down the street and seeing some guy wearing a t-shirt that reads "Too smart to start too cool to smoke" while actually smoking a cigarette. That's just me.

Is this, in and of itself, a bad idea? Not at all. Not in my opinion. The middle-aged hoo-er walking with her toddler I encountered this afternoon felt otherwise. Here's a basic rundown of what transpired:

Me: (walking down street, smoking cigarette, minding own business)
Hoo-er: (directional stink eyes abound)
Me: (confused, unconcerned)
Hoo-er: "You know, you're sending the wrong message to children with that shirt."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Hoo-er: "That shirt, I'm not amused by it."
Me: "You're not amused by the message of the shirt, or the fact I'm smoking a cigarette?"
Hoo-er: "Both."
Me: "Are you sure? Because that's contradictory. How can you be simultaneously against someone smoking cigarettes and wearing an anti-smoking shirt?"
Hoo-er: "Because it's bad enough my child is subjected to second-hand smoke, let alone having to be subjected to this kind of wrong message about smoking."
Me: Your child can't read. What is she three years old?"
Hoo-er: "That's besides the point. You need to accept responsibility for your actions! Blah blah blah, yada yada yada, so on and so forth."
Me: (shakes head in disgust, decides to take high road and walk away)
Hoo-er: "That's right, walk away! We don't need people like you walking around on these streets!"

And that's pretty much it. The whole thing lasted less than thirty seconds, but the transfer of nerve from her person unto me was enough for a lifetime. The nerve! First off, I pride myself in always taking others viewpoints, feelings, and concerns into account; it has always been this way unless I'm drunk. So, arguably, it has always been this way roughly 45% of the time (I was sober at the point of this exchange). With that said, I always blow my smoke away from passerbys on the street and even go so far as to switch my cigarette from hand to hand and hold it out accordingly so as to keep it as far away from children as possible. I understand parents don't want it around their kids; I make it a point to oblige the general public above and beyond what is socially acceptable.

With all that said, fuck this lady. I think I've successfully demonstrated how much stock I put in the adherence to social mores. Did I deserve this?!? Shit, the vast majority of the population doesn't go nearly as out of there way for these people. Matter of fact, had I not been so respectful, I would have given this hoo-er one of my patented Drunk Capps-style what fors. I probably should have...shows what I get for being a good person.

At the end of the day, I am once again left with the feeling of shock and awe from yet another negative encounter in public. This is proof positive of two things: (1) There are several people, organized or not, out to get me, and (2) The end is nigh. I truly can't think of a better topic for an F.B.I. post. This hoo-er is a moron. Her reaction was a bad idea. I'll leave her deserved penance up to karma.

Weekly Poll Wednesdays...On Tuesday!!!!

I've decided to get into this poll business even though it's technically Tuesday. Being the proprietor of this website, as well as the one struggling for survival, I figure I'm in the driver's seat here; deal with it. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? Two weeks ago I posed an important question that had been heatedly debated between me and my friend, Russ. If you were 60 years old, and currently unfulfilled, would you castrate yourself for one glorious night with a 19-year old perfect ten? Russ posed this question to me awhile back. He posits that 70% of applicable participants would vote yes. I found this to be an absurd proposition, guesstimating that less than 10% would be up for the getdown. Certainly, these are two extremely differing viewpoints. Lets take a look at the results and determine a winner.

Yes (14%)
No (86%)

It appears I'm the clear winner, though my guess of ten percent was a bit low. But come on, seventy percent? Let's get real! No self respecting person should agree to such terms. I don't care how perfect a "ten" this teenager is. Perhaps this would be a feasible opportunity for an octogenarian; I don't know, what with Viagra and all that. I cannot, however, sign off on someone as young as sixty committing to such a harrowing experience as castration for one night of sexual satisfaction. I mean, dayumn...sex isn't even that great! Is it?

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I feel it necessary to return to the American political spectrum with this week'(s) poll. After all, we are embroiled in the "most important" election of our times. This week's question specifically concerns Sarah Palin. I'd like to know who would be the better VP, Sarah Palin or Tina Fey? For those of you not in the know, Ms. Fey, has put in three memorable performances in as many weeks as the potential second in command on Saturday Night Live. They're so close, in fact, that arguments could be made for either serving as this nation's Veep. For those of you not in the know, check out the video below to educate yourselves on the facts. Then make sure to vote in this poll, as the results will surely shape the future of both national and world history in the near future. Rock the vote or die, and all that.