Motherfucking Jackpot!

Have you ever been sitting and watching a movie, and thought to yourself how hot the chick on screen is, and wouldn't it be great if she did porn? Don't front, you know you have. Well, I just got finished watching District B13, a rather gully French action flick. I was having those thoughts about the young French chick the entire time, so I went to IMDB to find out who she was. Turns out the actress' name is Dany Verissimo. She hasn't done much by way of real films, but thanks to my fellow pervs in the IMDB message boards, I found out she had a 16-month stint as a pornstar when she was 18! Her porn name is Ally Mac Tyana, apparently in homage to Ally McBeal (I don't know either). How awesome is that, though!?! I mean, you'd never stumble on such a fortuitous happening with an American actress. To quote my boy Orson Welles, "Muahaaaaa, the French!" Ok, that's all. I'm going to go do some more research now.

The Empire Strikes Barack

Here's one more video for the day, even though it's technically Thursday already. Thanks to Joey from Straight Bangin' for the find.

Ignant Bitch on Subway

Video comes courtesy of our friends at http://metallungies.com/

Weekly Poll Wednedsays!!!

The name of the game this week has been silly exclamations. I'm quite fond of them. If you're not, you're stupid. There are many of them, but I only listed four. here's the results:

By the hammer of Thor! (33.3%)
Sweet baby James! (0%)
Great Caesar's ghost! (50%)
Jumpin' Jehosaphat! (16.7%)


By the hammer of Thor! is my personal favorite. Matter of fact, I used to proclaim it rather loudly from my desk while in the office, back when being in an office was something I did. Few people "got" my humor, but I didn't care. Most of those people are already dead and they just don't know it yet. Anyway, a solid number of you disagreed with me. I suspect the reason Great Caesar's ghost! did so well here is because it is the exclamation heard most often amongst the choices in this poll. That's pretty lame. Let's start thinking outside the box, here. Jesus!

The wildcard from last week's WPW installment was the contest to find the best silly exclamation not included in the poll. It was quite a chore sifting through hundreds of responses. Sheesh! After much deliberation, Mister Shambles a.k.a. Shampton is the big winner. The winning exclamation is Heavens to Murgatroid!...fantastic work, Shampton. Let's all give him a round of applause! I told you the winner would get a prize. I have to admit, there is no prize. There never was. Chalk it up to a lesson learned: you can't believe everything you read on les internets. I suppose, in retrospect, that this gem of knowledge is your prize. Cherish it forever.

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I think we need to switch things up a bit with this week's question. There's been a string of meaningless polls lately. I'd like to get serious with y'all, if I can. This week we're striving for a consensus on the most destructive religion. Is it Christianity? Islam? Judaism? Are nonbelievers more dangerous than those of faith? Also, how does one define "destructive"? Are we looking at things in terms of body count or how a particular religion shaped its peoples' culture and times? Are recent or historical events weighed more heavily? There are so many questions! I'm not answering them for you, either; this is left open-ended on purpose. Go ahead and vote. Let's start a discussion in the comment thread as well. Also, if you're a religious fanatic and are thinking of killing me, please don't. Thank you.

Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab

Most of you are no doubt familiar with numerous international hammer games, namely Colombian Hammer Toss and Venezuelan Hammer Catch. If you are not, I strongly suggest you familiarize yourself with them. After all, there is such a thing as culture outside the confines of the United States. Try branching out, for Christ's sake. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce to you another South American pastime. Luckily for us, we have one of their own to explain this game to us.

Editor's note: The following article was written by Alistair, our Southern Hemisphere Blaxploitation Bureau Chief, exclusively for this website.

Rules of Paraguayan Anal Hammer Grab:

The two participants stand approximately 8 meters away from each other. The older participant always starts with the hammer. After the traditional opening ceremony of downing a litre of Rossi in 5 minutes, the participants disrobe and take their positions.

The Hammer Catcher leans forward and grabs his/her ankles. The Hammer Wielder takes aim and attempts to lodge the hammer between the ass cheeks of the Hammer Catcher. If the Hammer Catcher falls over or attempts to get out of the way, they are penalized 5 hammer strokes to the kneecap. The process is repeated, changing positions after each throw, until one of the participants reaches 100 points.

Scoring:

1 point: hitting ass crack, no lodge
5 points: lodging handle of hammer in ass crack
10 points: lodging hammer end in ass crack
15 points: lodging claw end in ass crack
50 points: hammer end is embedded in anal cavity
100 points -- Golden ticket: claw end is embedded in anal cavity. Automatic win.

There you have it, folks. Feel free to play at home

Friday Bad Ideas

Friday Bad Ideas: blackout drunk with your mother. It was my birthday yesterday. I went to see my mom (festivities amongst people my own age are on Saturday; I'm not a loser, I swear). We went to dinner and I slept over. Drunken debauchery began early. At dinner, we drank bloody mary's, a bottle of wine, and Sambuca with dessert. Upon our return, I proceeded to polish off two bottles of wine by myself as we watched movies together. Things began to unravel after Nightmare Detective and several episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Quick aside: Nightmare Detective was muy horrible. Like, flabbergastingly horrible. It's a Japanese thriller my mom was interested in seeing. The title alone should have clued us in to the shit show we were about to witness. I wish I could have seen my face as I sat in abject horror for two hours straight for all the wrong reasons. I won't even do this abortion justice by explaining it any further.

Anyway, let's get back to my quest to drink away the pain (relax, Dara). I moved onto whiskey after the wine was finished. I should have realized a move like this would spell disaster, and bring about a swift end to my night. I mean, usually ending one's night with lots of whiskey after a long night of drinking several other types of alcohol has this effect, right? Unfortunately, I was too drunk to notice. It was right around this point when my memory begins to fail me. Luckily for you fruits my mother was awake and sober enough to bear witness. Idiocy includes but is not limited to:

1. cooking a steak at 5:30am
2. blasting Bastard Sons
3. showing my mother this website
4. fierce air guitaring
5. forcing my mom to look up 24-hour diners on the internet
6. inviting my mother to Toronto to see a concert with my friends

The best part about all this is when I woke up this morning on the couch I got up and went to the fridge, and upon noticing my steak was missing, accused my mother of eating it. You should have seen the look on her face. I don't remember any of this. I thank my lucky stars, though, that my mom is cool as shit and has a sense of humor. I'm 27 years old...can you believe it? So yeah, getting blackout drunk in front of your mother? Bad idea.

It's my birthday (Yaaaaaaayyy!!!)

That's right, the day is upon us. This picture of me frantically masturbating to a Hannah Montana birthday card effectively sums up how excited I am for this weekend. Many of you were certain I wouldn't make it another year. Well, thanks for the motivation. As per usual, spite gets me through. I'll be celebrating in Hoboken this weekend. Anyone who wants to come through on Saturday night is more than welcome to do so. Keep it gangster, kids.