Baby Names

I posted this on my Myspace blog last month, but fuck it. It's good shit.

Well, I just took a shower and it felt GREAT. Who knew? I'm more than a little upset one of you didn't inform me sooner. Anyway, while I was scrubbing this filthy lifestyle off my body I got to thinking of baby names. Now you might be thinking, "Justin, why are you concerned about baby names now? You're not married and you don't have a girlfriend." To which, I reply, "Thanks, asshole, for keeping my loser status fully updated. Though I don't have any baby maker prospects at this juncture (thankfully on the baby end; I can hardly take care of myself), that is a lot of hullabaloo. It's never too early to come up with the perfect set of names for your kids."

I am a firm believer that every person controls their own destiny. With that in mind, I've always wanted to select names for my kids that will truly represent who they'll grow up to be. My son must be a born winner who commands respect, and is prepared to take it by force if necessary. The names I choose must purport his excellence and asskickery. Therefore, if I have a son I will name him:

Agamemnon Mephistopheles

Both names fully describe my unborn son's asskickery, don't they? No? You're wrong. Few men have kicked more ass than Agamemnon or Mephistopheles. The former was king and general of the Greek armies during the Trojan War, who sacrificed his daughter to the gods in exchange for favorable winds for his ships. Talk about making the tough decisions and getting the fucking job done! The latter is the devil to whom Faust sold his soul in exchange for knowledge and power. He is crafty, powerful, and sardonic – all preferred traits for my boy.

Now if it is decided (karmically speaking) that I am to have a girl, I would want her names to connote the type of person I believe she'd grow up to be as well. My daughter would likely display a level of fuckery that could only earn her the name:

Yum Yum Gumdrop Vermin

For clarification, Yum Yum Gumdrop is the full first name. Vermin is her middle name. I like Yum Yum Gumdrop because it rolls off the tongue. Plus, what if I impregnate an Asian hooker? I'm just trying to be thorough here. After all, success is 75% preparation. I wanted a name like Vermin as her middle name, in case she didn't like her first name and decided, like some people, to go with her middle name in school and whatnot. No chance, Yum Yum Gumdrop! Your brother is the crafty one. You'll stick with the name I gave you and like it.

So there it is. Clearly I've given this a lot of thought, and it shows. It's ok to be jealous. It is not, however, ok to steal my names. They're mine. And it's not like I won't find out. Because I will. Anyway, let me know what you think, though I doubt any of your feedback will change my mind. And ladies: unbelievable as it may seem, yes, I am available for dating!