Monday Morning Asshole

I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall again on Sunday. This was the second time this weekend -- as has already been mentioned, I really like this movie. Anyway, this week's Monday Morning Asshole installment will be based on my experience there. First, I'd like to apologize for two things. One, because I left y'all hangin' last Monday with no new Assholes to loathe. Two, because this is the second asshole-in-a-movie-theater related MMA. Not very original, I know, but yesterday's case is just as worthy as the first. Allow me to explain.

The movie began at 3:25pm on 4/20. This is a movie that has done well at the box office so far and whose content is popular amongst the stoner crowd. Needless to say, the theater was more packed than usual. I actually ended up sitting in the back row directly behind two people, which would break my own strict social more rules had it not been for the fact that seats were scarce when I got there, thus nullifying any more through sheer necessity. A short time later, four girls entered and made their way to the back of the theater, in my general direction. They entered my row, walked down past a few other people, and...sat directly next to me. I couldn't fucking believe it. The one chick was literally to my immediate left. Had someone glanced in my direction they would have rightly assumed we were all together; it was me and four chicks.

I've mentioned that the theater was full. Allow me some further clarification: it was full, but not packed to capacity. Especially in the back row where I was, there were open seats. In fact, these girls made a conscious decision to sit next to me because there were still three or four open seats past where the one furthest from me sat, meaning we clearly did not need to be on top of one another. What was the thought process? I guess I just don't understand people.

These girls were high schoolers. It was dark, but they seemed attractive. They were stoned and made 4/20 references intermittently throughout the film. I feel like for most guys (yes, even those my age), this would be viewed as fortuitous. Yet, for two hours, all I could think about was why they sat next to me. To make matters worse, they talked throughout, there were several fielded cellphone calls, their laughs were horrid. The list went on. I had the feeling most guys would have engaged in some sort of conversation, at the very least for the slim hope they would have received a handjob right there in the back row. Honestly, the experience ruined the movie for me. I actually began to question my convictions. Why am I so different than my own perception of a normal guy? For these injustices done upon me, you four girls are officially bestowed this week's dubious distinction. Congratulations Foxy High School Girls Whom I Should Have Engaged In Conversation For The Slim Hope Of Receiving A Handjob, you are all assholes.