Of all the pompous condiments, this one takes the cake. Goddamn you, ketchup. I hate you. "Hi, my name's ketchup. I'm the only non-sweet condiment or spread made from fruit. There's no end to the haughty phrases found on my label. I have the audacity to involve myself in American politics." Ketchup proclaims myriad additional bullshit, but I nearly had an embolism just quoting him (It?) If you disagree with me, go ahead and take a look in your refigerator. There are only two acceptable bases for condiments:
- Seeds
- Fat
I'll be the first to admit that I'm no genius (clinically speaking, that is) but as I peruse the aforementioned list I don't see "fruit" or "vinegar" anywhere on it, prompting my proclamation that ketchup is a fraud. Need extra coaxing? How about Ketchup's alternative spelling, "Catsup." Is there anything more gay that that? Not that there's anything wrong with homosexualtiy, to borrow from Seinfeld. My only point is that there is something wrong with ketchup. It's simply un-American, at best. Don't use it!
Bonus Bad Idea: Prematurely voting off Michael Johns from American Idol. Seriously, America? First it's your love affair with ketchup, and now you've ousted Michael Johns? Results of my Weekly Poll Wednesdays from two weeks ago left me wondering if al Qaeda had been tampering with these votes as a means of destroying wholesome American culture -- they're trying to extinguish our way of life! I sincerely hope that's not true, but who's to say for sure. After all, there's no way intelligent, red-blooded Americans would toss Michael Johns before the likes of Kristy Lee Cook and Syesha Mercado. Right? I know my homegirl Deuce feels me on this one.
Oh well. Let's resolve ourselves to taking the good along with the bad, shall we? Nice. Still, nothing cleanses like a good venting session. I'd love to hear from you kids, especially you, Deuce. What do you think of Johns' early exit? Or ketchup, for that matter? Leave some comments and let your voices be heard. I'd like to end this inaugural Friday Bad Ideas on a positive note. Here is the beauty that is Michael Johns. Enjoy.
3 comments:
I too hate ketchup so i feel your anger...but let me ask you this..How do you feel about the McDonalds Cheesburger? Do you ask for no Ketchup? I seem to be ok with ketchup in this, and only this instance, Its like the Mcdonalds cheeseburger is an entity on its own and no longer its component parts.....
Rachel, excellent question and point. I too am fine with ketchup on the McDonalds cheeseburger, though I feel that's only because it has so many other processed and delicious flavors that it masks the vileness of said ketchup. Still, it's been some time since I've eaten at Mickey Dee's. Not because of Fast Food Nation or some such hippie mularkey, but because that shit's bad for you. There's plenty of other "fast" food that's delicious and better for you out there anyway.
P.S. Fuck ketchup.
Juice-I have to say I actually agree with you on both topics, Ketchup and Michael Johns. As far as ketchup goes, I am not a fan. I actually am more of a mustard girl, Guldens Spicy Brown is my favorite-have you ever tried it? You should, if you haven't already, and let me know your thoughts. As far as Michael Johns being voted off idol, I am distraught. I think someone must have tampered with the voting. I am upset that I will no longer be able to enjoy true talent while watching the remainder of the competition. However, I do think he will get a record deal, but is very unfortunate he was voted off.
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